see jane run

[tectak]

she thinks I love herI am getting used to the "promise of more to come" openers as a dramatic device but I am often let down by the follow through. Fortunately (or unfortunately), THIS opener IS a whole stanza, so the ecapsulation of the though process has a start, a muse, and a stop. Why is this possibly an ufortunate opener? Well, it is but ONE sentence as it is written...but as it is presented you chop it up to volumise what in fact is a stark singleton. I do not think that it does anything except lengthen the piece in  a downwards direction to no great advantage.  
I don't
but I'm cradling
that belief—
it'll make touching her easierThe "it" is a long way from home...I think you refer to her belief which the character believes she has...er...by cradling, come to...hmmmm...believe? What I am saying is what I always say...give me proof by imagery and by metaphor...in other words, more words. Get rid of as many instances of "it" as possible.

she's nine but smells like thirteen—
strawberry Lip Smackers
and Love's Baby Soft perfume—Excellent. Truly pin-point accuracy in observation. The imagery is there and the interesting concept of "age smells". Boys of nine smelt of stale farts and fruit gums when I was a boy of nine smelling of stale farts and fruit gums. I can remember clearly when girls decided that if boys continued to smell the way they did then the time had come to find their own smell. About this time I stopped farting around girls and dropped the fruit gums in favour of menthol boiled sweets. It worked fot me. Very well done.
the shit parents gift their budding daughters
to mask the musk of first periodsCrikey...I didn't know that...I thought that was how girls smelt at around twelve

I don't like em young
I don't like anyoneNot clear. Not germane. Not necessary. We already believe we have a pervert here BUT if this feeling of isolationism is a trait then more detail please. Again, I feel short changed by the minimalism. There is a glaring paradox in these two lines in that "I don't like 'em young.." by implication means you like'em old (er); but then you follow up with "I don't like anyone". Whilst there is a great sense of veracity given to the character I feel that as the reader I am becoming the psychiatrist/therapist; at which point you may ask me " Do you feel bad about being a therapist". Harrrumphhhh.

but I can get herthis is the first and only effective use of purposeful (as against stylised) enjambment. Can you not see how effective the duality you create is....especially when compared to:
 " I don't
but I'm cradling
that belief"
to perform on command
like she's hypnotized—
I snap my fingers
and smile
as she heels to me

—such a good girl—

I love to watch her
run Great ending. Worthy.

Capped the I's and changed the last two lines to Todd's suggestion, 5/11/17

Hi Lizzie.
 This is a triumph of concept over construct...and I rather like it. There is no quarter given in translation (which I do not and will not do)  because it is very much "in your face", unless written by a dog. Anything is possible in these forums.
Poetically...that word which dare not speak its name...you are a minimalist in this one. Perhaps there is a reason for this but I'm damned if I can see it. The starkness and darkness interplay works but only up to a point...and that point is where the intent of the character becomes somewhat lost in his (?) own musings. The reader gets left behind before fully appreciating the construction of the piece, though appreciation is probably an old fashioned requisite of poetry. For me, though, the lack of credibility is a real let-down. I really want to believe in the character but the writer, with all the simplicity of ownership, keeps breaking through. In other words, I need more lit up words to carry me through the darkness and more metaphor, imagery and poetry to fill me in the starkness of the thing.  
Line by line should be taken to enforce my humble opinion, not as a seperate critique.
 Best,
 tectak