05-14-2017, 05:31 PM
You very effectively imitate the disturbing voice of a paedophile. On first read I really felt disturbed, which says a lot about its effectiveness. I salute your bravery for writing about a very taboo subject such as this one. The ambiguity of who is talking is another aspect of the poem which I really appreciate. I often ask myself whether the person speaking is a practicing molestor, or merely someone contemplating the act. I guess there's no real difference internally... Which might be what you are trying to say.
she thinks I love her Very haunting opening line. Reading this a second time seems to suggest that it is simply lust that the narrator feels for the girl.
I don't
but I'm cradling
that belief—
it'll make touching her easier You dramatically shift the motive and the feel of the poem here. The narrator could be easily mistaken for a normal, good person. This changes everything completely. Well done
she's nine but smells like thirteen— Here you seem to intensify the true identity of the narrator
strawberry Lip Smackers -
and Love's Baby Soft perfume—
the shit parents gift their budding daughters
to mask the musk of first periods -I got spine chills reading this line.
I don't like em young The 'em to me seems to mark the total unravelling of the narrators Identity. By now the reader should have no sympathy for the narrator.
I don't like anyone
but I can get her
to perform on command
like she's hypnotized—
I snap my fingers
and smile
as she heels to me This line suggests to me that the narrator is more enticed by the power which molesting a child makes him feel, instead of any physical attraction. It is clearly well thought out.
—such a good girl— This is the most disturbing line of the whole poem I think. Its confinement between two blocks of empty blank space also amplifies its effectiveness
I love to watch her
run Very great ending line.
[/quote]
she thinks I love her Very haunting opening line. Reading this a second time seems to suggest that it is simply lust that the narrator feels for the girl.
I don't
but I'm cradling
that belief—
it'll make touching her easier You dramatically shift the motive and the feel of the poem here. The narrator could be easily mistaken for a normal, good person. This changes everything completely. Well done
she's nine but smells like thirteen— Here you seem to intensify the true identity of the narrator
strawberry Lip Smackers -
and Love's Baby Soft perfume—
the shit parents gift their budding daughters
to mask the musk of first periods -I got spine chills reading this line.
I don't like em young The 'em to me seems to mark the total unravelling of the narrators Identity. By now the reader should have no sympathy for the narrator.
I don't like anyone
but I can get her
to perform on command
like she's hypnotized—
I snap my fingers
and smile
as she heels to me This line suggests to me that the narrator is more enticed by the power which molesting a child makes him feel, instead of any physical attraction. It is clearly well thought out.
—such a good girl— This is the most disturbing line of the whole poem I think. Its confinement between two blocks of empty blank space also amplifies its effectiveness
I love to watch her
run Very great ending line.
[/quote]