see jane run

[Lizzie]

This has a disturbing narrator in its ambiguity--it's like the themes touched on by Nabokov but given some of the details obscured we can't be completely sure. Good disturbing or bad disturbing? Curious about the ambiguity piece...are you thinking I need more details like place and time, etc.?


she thinks i love her--This is a good opening line. There's tension and drama. I realize the lowercase i is a stylistic choice. It isn't one I particularly favor but I can live with it. To me draws too much attention to itself, but I realize it's deliberate and I can respect the right to make those sorts of choices. Fixed.
i don't --Good follow up line after the break.
but i'm cradling--Cradling is a nice choice. It's a nurturing word though again it is at odds with what the narrator is really thinking and doing. It's this tension between what we perceive and what is actually happening that is at the heart of this piece. Yes, the building of the lie is paramount.
that belief—--Good line break on belief. Because that's thematically what this about.
it'll make touching her easier--Creepy and a good strophe break to give us tension and unfolding horror in the white space. That's a good point about the white pace. Should I put a period at the end? Should I add in punctuation?

she's nine but smells like thirteen—--This is where I truly get the Lolita read. This recasting of the child as seductress. Yeah, that is disturbing, eh?
strawberry Lip Smackers
and Love's Baby Soft perfume—
the shit parents gift their budding daughters --budding is another good word along with the product use above to sort of build an internal dialogue rationalizing the moment.
to mask the musk of first periods--Again rationalizing that "Jane" is older than she seems. Ok, so what do you think about that, the rationalization? A sociopath might not question the rightness of their behavior.

i don't like em young--Unreliable narrator justification, wonderful break and next line
i don't like anyone

but i can get her--predatory
to perform on command
like she's hypnotized—
i snap my fingers
and smile
as she heels to me --more about power and control Yeah, I wanted this to be the other central theme. Is that coming across strong enough?

—such a good girl—--The dog imagery and this line are chilling.

i love--Good circling back on the opening. Gives the piece a sense of completeness
to watch her run--While I like the way you have the ending, I will simply offer an alternative. Maybe,

i love to watch her
run


Yes, liked your ending and changed it. Thank you for the valuable critique, Todd.

---

she thinks i love her                            
i don't                                     hah, but is that true or denial. Well.....you've stumped me a bit on this one! Could be some denial. Yes. However, I'm not sure that a sociopath CAN love, not in the way that we normally think of it. Certainly not in a way that isn't 100% self serving.
but i'm cradling
that belief—
it'll make touching her easier         the verse as a whole is creepy. the thought if and then how the subject could have made the girl love him/her.  Right, so you're wanting some more details too? I'll think on that and see what comes to me. The poem is a little sparse and I do feel like it's missing something, but I don't know what to add. To quote Sabrina, "More isn't always better, Linus, sometimes it's just more."

she's nine but smells like thirteen—
strawberry Lip Smackers
and Love's Baby Soft perfume—
the shit parents gift their budding daughters
to mask the musk of first periods

i don't like em young                i perceive this as a break, as if the subject is waking from his dream, trying to fight back desire Perhaps. I actually like that there's some variability around how the narrator is perceived, as long as the lies and the power/control dynamic are preserved. That's what's essential to me. Is the question of whether the N truly loves the girl or not bothersome to the read?
i don't like anyone                                      by lying to himself, helplessly. and you could not have put it in a more essential way. That's very interesting to me that you view this bit as the lie, when I view this as the central moment of honesty. But, again, I'm not disturbed by that interpretation in the least.

but i can get her
to perform on command
like she's hypnotized—
i snap my fingers
and smile
as she heels to me                         

—such a good girl—

i love
to watch her run

It's May. Let the workshopping begin. This one was written for day one, NaPM 2017)

does the girl run to or from him in the end? I intended for it to be read that she's running toward because of the "heels to me" line, but....

Thanks so much for the critique, vagabond.

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she thinks i love her
i don't
but i'm cradling My thought here was of a parent crying, trying to take care of their child. But this isn't the theme carried on. My other thought was of a relationship. Obviously I made too quick of an assumption. 
So I wonder, what is cradling telling us? How do YOU take it, that's what I'm curious about. Authorial intent is not so relevant to me as reader interpretation. I want to know what's coming across to the reader, and then I can tweak things to realize my intention.
that belief—
it'll make touching her easier Blunt.

she's nine but smells like thirteen—
strawberry Lip Smackers
and Love's Baby Soft perfume—
the shit parents gift their budding daughters Shit and gift make a nice contrast.
to mask the musk of first periods A contrast is conveyed here, but it isn't as strong as the first one.

i don't like em young What is this supposed to mean? Hearing your thoughts would be more helpful. 

I guess this pervert is willing to control anything. Bingo.

i don't like anyone Well, why not? What went wrong in your childhood to turn you into this? Are you telling me that you would like to see more back-story in the poem? Am I interpreting this correctly?

Or are you simply sociopathic?

Well, let's be perfectly clear here: the narrator is not me.

but i can get her This is a chilling line. It's confident and disconcerting.
to perform on command
like she's hypnotized—
i snap my fingers
and smile
as she heels to me

—such a good girl—

i love
to watch her run This end may be somewhat vague. If this person loves the thrill of a chase, simply watching someone run won't cut it. It's like watching your adorable dog play fetch. That thought is different from what you've been speaking of.

I'll give some thought to the ending. There's no chasing involved, though -- it's the manipulation of the other that's central. The process is called "grooming." It's how a predator gets a child to trust them.

It's May. Let the workshopping begin. This one was written for day one, NaPM 2017)

I like the blunt nature. Blunt is my thing, I like it more than subtlety (even if I've complimented subtleties written by other people). My thought is to expand on the perversion at the end. 

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I like Tom's suggestion for the ending. I liked Todd's ending too, so that's been changed. Again, I'll think on the ending. Thanks for the response, burr.