see jane run

[Todd]

Hi Lizzie,

Nice to see you workshoping a NaPM piece. 

This has a disturbing narrator in its ambiguity--it's like the themes touched on by Nabokov but given some of the details obscured we can't be completely sure.

The title works both how the ending circles back on it and for the early Dick and Jane books which slightly establish age.

she thinks i love her--This is a good opening line. There's tension and drama. I realize the lowercase i is a stylistic choice. It isn't one I particularly favor but I can live with it. To me draws too much attention to itself, but I realize it's deliberate and I can respect the right to make those sorts of choices.
i don't --Good follow up line after the break.
but i'm cradling--Cradling is a nice choice. It's a nurturing word though again it is at odds with what the narrator is really thinking and doing. It's this tension between what we perceive and what is actually happening that is at the heart of this piece.
that belief—--Good line break on belief. Because that's thematically what this about.
it'll make touching her easier--Creepy and a good strophe break to give us tension and unfolding horror in the white space.

she's nine but smells like thirteen—--This is where I truly get the Lolita read. This recasting of the child as seductress. 
strawberry Lip Smackers
and Love's Baby Soft perfume—
the shit parents gift their budding daughters --budding is another good word along with the product use above to sort of build an internal dialogue rationalizing the moment.
to mask the musk of first periods--Again rationalizing that "Jane" is older than she seems.

i don't like em young--Unreliable narrator justification, wonderful break and next line
i don't like anyone

but i can get her--predatory
to perform on command
like she's hypnotized—
i snap my fingers
and smile
as she heels to me --more about power and control

—such a good girl—--The dog imagery and this line are chilling.

i love--Good circling back on the opening. Gives the piece a sense of completeness
to watch her run--While I like the way you have the ending, I will simply offer an alternative. Maybe,

i love to watch her
run

It's May. Let the workshopping begin. This one was written for day one, NaPM 2017)

The content is disturbing no question. I think you executed this idea well. I hope the comments help.

Best,

Todd