Prime Minister Since College (explicit language)

[Lizzie]

Penman, I haven't seen this one since it was originally posted. It's more polished now, but the original had a more authentic sounding voice (apart from the "millions" claim ). I'll offer you a couple of thoughts on revision 2, though.

edit 2

Prime Minister Since College

after Proust

 

I've seen this toilet seat a hundred times— -- do you need seat? It's more of just a toilet, seems to me.

more than that,

a hundred more! -- I don't see the point of repeating the hundred bit. Even though it doubles the amount, it doesn't add anything to the poem. The title already brags, so having the first part of the poem be more of that is a bit one-note.

There's pink around her middle's yawing verb, -- I'd recommend re-structuring this sentence to avoid the static verb. Choose a stronger verb and work the sentence around it. Also, 'middle' makes me think waist or midriff and that's very confusing. Maybe bottom or......whatever delightful way of saying booty you can come up with. I do like 'yawning verb.'

with a pretty little ballerina for a noun; -- 'little' is weak and so is 'pretty.' More interesting word choices, I should think. I do like the ballerina image (specifically the resemblance to a tutu).

but her double fisting threesome makes a preposition out of me -- here is where I think the cleverness of the grammatical comparisons begins to wear -- it's overextended. I may feel differently if you ended the line on a different word than "me," because coming off of the delicate description of the anus back to focusing on the speaker is jarring. I'd hyphenate double-fisting. I also think that it's unclear what "her" is modifying now -- you seem to reference a woman first, but the anus could also be referred to as her, especially when you suggest that she/it possesses the sex act. That phrasing is awkward.

then turns us into gold, this trinity, -- maybe "into trinity" instead, or "into golden trinity" -- 'this' before trinity is a vague modifier

and wraps me in a web, the spiders way. -- the image of a spider's web is lovely. Strong finish.

I wish you'd bring back the word love. The sense of connection and devotion to the other's body is muddled in this one.

I think you could have something here if you continued in the vein of spider web, tutu/ballerina, yawn: leading with metaphor/imagery/simile.

I'd use the anus as the focal point of the poem -- an ode to the tutu. It's more engaging than the booty-conquistador angle, which isn't particularly fresh.

Hope this helps,

Lizzie