Untitled (4th revision)

[burrealist]

you let the poem down and you let yourself down.
Two people have said that now. Is this a nice way of telling me I suck? 

If you know when to use semi colons you are well advised to do so. If you do not then do not. I assume you do not. 
I didn't even attempt to use one, so I'm a bit confused by what you mean. Is it because I should have?

the ludicrous capitalising of every line like some deranged 18th century poet or a 21st century schoolboy does not help. 
I don't have knowledge of why capitalizing would be appropriate or inappropriate. I just thought it was a random choice.


Rustic etching in the tree reveals names my memory-shaded brother, and me maybe this is suicide.
[b]The one attempt at punctuation (so do not say you were not trying) is the comma in the wrong bloody place.  [/b]
I agree with you here- so my revision will definitely fix this problem.


I carve an X in the dirt with an axeMost like this line. I like this line. It seems to mean something, say what it means and better yet, I can SEE it....notwithstanding the predicted tense shift from future to present. Disturbing and unnecessary. 
So everyone seems to like this line. I know you explained yourself, but can you tell me in unnecessary detail WHY this line is the best line? I do not understand.

Hack the tree down
Draw a ladder
To the crusted, broken walls 
I'm also assuming these three lines are good?

The piece has exploded because you are failing to link things together.
[b]It reads like a depressive describing the onerous process of making a cup of tea.[/b]
As it is the poem is extruding like lumpy tooth paste and globs are falling down the drain hole.
I can only say it reminds me of early video games where one had to collect useful items to complete the "task". Ladder, axe, stake, paper, steps.
What do early video games, globs of toothpaste, and a depressing rant about preparing tea have in common? I'm not riddling you, I'm genuinely asking. I'm assuming the answer is "half-assed poetry", but I'm not a poet. So what do I know?  ><

This is me writing poetry: 

This is people telling me why I suck at it: 

So this is me after being mauled by your critiques: 

Hope to hear from you soon. I really do appreciate the intensive nature of these critiques. I've reached a point where I'm absolutely lost. I honestly do not know how to improve, which is kinda sad. The best I do for now is continue with my writing, but I seriously want to understand why poetry is poetry and why "not poetry" is not poetry.