Spring May...or not.

[tectak]

A bright parade of parodies, across the blue the pageant swirls.
Grey mares that prance and bears that dance; where twisting spires curl
and writhe up in to heaven's halls, 
 incongruously freeze and fall 
to fly the wind as stinging hail.
Bowed down blue-bells, whence climbed the snail
(when sunshine bid him seek the flower),
lie flattened now; slick-wet they cower
'neath pearls of ice to wait the calm.
The snail is shelled up out of harm.
Curled cold, he waits a summer day
when blasted Spring has blown away.
tectak
May 2017

[67eager]

Spring is a very heavily used subject of poetry, and you certainly haven't failed to uphold the success of other poems centred around this theme. The only real word that is causing me a lot of trouble is the word 'spire'. Because it is central to a lot of what is being discussed, what 'spire' is referring to should be made a little more explicit to the reader. What I particularly love about this poem is the way you have talked about the not so perfect yet common spring day: A rainy, cold and miserable one. You seem to discuss the way life almost stops on these occasions ie the curled up snail. Very well written



A bright parade of parodies, across the blue the pageant swirls.
Grey mares that prance and bears that dance; where twisting spires curl- I just can't figure out what these 'twisting spires' are.

and writhe up in to heaven's halls,- If it is simply heaven that you are trying to say, 'halls' seems a forced rhyme and unnecessary. Lovely imagery though.
 incongruously freeze and fall 
to fly the wind as stinging hail.
Bowed down blue-bells, whence climbed the snail
(when sunshine bid him seek the flower),
lie flattened now; slick-wet they cower
'neath pearls of ice to wait the calm.
The snail is shelled up out of harm.
Curled cold, he waits a summer day
when blasted Spring has blown away.
tectak
May 2017
[/quote]

[tectak]

Spring is a very heavily used subject of poetry, and you certainly haven't failed to uphold the success of other poems centred around this theme. The only real word that is causing me a lot of trouble is the word 'spire'. Because it is central to a lot of what is being discussed, what 'spire' is referring to should be made a little more explicit to the reader. What I particularly love about this poem is the way you have talked about the not so perfect yet common spring day: A rainy, cold and miserable one. You seem to discuss the way life almost stops on these occasions ie the curled up snail. Very well written



A bright parade of parodies, across the blue the pageant swirls.
Grey mares that prance and bears that dance; where twisting spires curl- I just can't figure out what these 'twisting spires' are.

and writhe up in to heaven's halls,- If it is simply heaven that you are trying to say, 'halls' seems a forced rhyme and unnecessary. Lovely imagery though.
 incongruously freeze and fall 
to fly the wind as stinging hail.
Bowed down blue-bells, whence climbed the snail
(when sunshine bid him seek the flower),
lie flattened now; slick-wet they cower
'neath pearls of ice to wait the calm.
The snail is shelled up out of harm.
Curled cold, he waits a summer day
when blasted Spring has blown away.
tectak
May 2017

[/quote]
Thank you 67ea,
I have been out today to a blue bell wood. Sheesh! We live in North Yorkshire Moors National Park...big sky country with tortuous terrain below.  The cloud forms are quite stunning with northerlies...I guess I could describe any form as almost anything is possible. I think it is Chester Cathedral that has a twisted spire. I saw it in the clouds today..a great grey vortex disappearing upwards. Say no more...then down came the hail.
I had a tempter with heaven's halls....there appeared a void in the clouds which rapidly opened up and the sun searched its way through...alliteration was all I needed  .
Kind words always welcome.
Best,
tectak
.

[makeshift]

Hey Tektak, thnx for sharing. Its a quaint poem. Your descriptions of nature are really full of life and music. A lot of colorful vocabulary, and a lot of motion. I got a very visceral feel for the weather, movements in nature.  The poem reads to me as having two parts, or scenes, the sky world, and the ground world. Its nice how the scale changes between these two. Snail are such an apt image for being inside during dreary weather, in the way we curl up by the campfire, the snail is always curled up when he's home lol. 

A bright parade of parodies, across the blue the pageant swirls. First line comes across as exceptionally gleeful & celebratory (parade/pageant) Blue made me think for a second, its simple, but more evocative then sky, and sonically softer. A lot of movement in here. I vote a good opening. 
Grey mares that prance and bears that dance; where twisting spires curl Swirl & twisting spires curl  has been in-visioning something like Van Gogh. 
and writhe up in to heaven's halls, Not sure about heaven's halls it feels a little archaic, though admittedly not entirely out of place in the poem, you have whence a few lines down. Halls sounds good with Hail. Spires + writhe denote a subtle change of tone for me, a little more menacing then dancing bears. 
 incongruously freeze and fall Might just be me, but  incongruously is a lot of word, not exceptionally attractive.  I think a subtle typo with the space before incongruously?
to fly the wind as stinging hail. Love the idea that our cloud creatures become earthly with precipitation. 
Bowed down blue-bells, whence climbed the snail
(when sunshine bid him seek the flower), What does the poem lose with the omission of this line?
lie flattened now; slick-wet they cower I wonder if lie flattened is right, it seems slightly at odds with cower. Cowering I imagine some one hunched or balled up, more so hunched in the case of flowers, but very much arced and not flat. Maybe Lie softened, sagging, flaccid, relaxed,  just some ideas, its your imagine. 
'neath pearls of ice to wait the calm.
The snail is shelled up out of harm.
Curled cold, he waits a summer day Wish I could feel the summer in here more, summer's heat, summer's sun, sun rays, summer's song, summer's warmth, summer's glow, summer's spell
when blasted Spring has blown away.
tectak Maybe an unnecessary nitpick but if you must put your name on the poem, id at least like some breathing space. TBH I suspected the poem was by you when I saw you posted it in the workshop forum. 
May 2017

[tectak]

Hey Tektak, thnx for sharing. Its a quaint poem. Your descriptions of nature are really full of life and music. A lot of colorful vocabulary, and a lot of motion. I got a very visceral feel for the weather, movements in nature.  The poem reads to me as having two parts, or scenes, the sky world, and the ground world. Its nice how the scale changes between these two. Snail are such an apt image for being inside during dreary weather, in the way we curl up by the campfire, the snail is always curled up when he's home lol. 

A bright parade of parodies, across the blue the pageant swirls. First line comes across as exceptionally gleeful & celebratory (parade/pageant) Blue made me think for a second, its simple, but more evocative then sky, and sonically softer. A lot of movement in here. I vote a good opening. 
Grey mares that prance and bears that dance; where twisting spires curl Swirl & twisting spires curl  has been in-visioning something like Van Gogh. 
and writhe up in to heaven's halls, Not sure about heaven's halls it feels a little archaic, though admittedly not entirely out of place in the poem, you have whence a few lines down. Halls sounds good with Hail. Spires + writhe denote a subtle change of tone for me, a little more menacing then dancing bears. 
 incongruously freeze and fall Might just be me, but  incongruously is a lot of word, not exceptionally attractive.  I think a subtle typo with the space before incongruously?
to fly the wind as stinging hail. Love the idea that our cloud creatures become earthly with precipitation. 
Bowed down blue-bells, whence climbed the snail
(when sunshine bid him seek the flower), What does the poem lose with the omission of this line?
lie flattened now; slick-wet they cower I wonder if lie flattened is right, it seems slightly at odds with cower. Cowering I imagine some one hunched or balled up, more so hunched in the case of flowers, but very much arced and not flat. Maybe Lie softened, sagging, flaccid, relaxed,  just some ideas, its your imagine. 
'neath pearls of ice to wait the calm.
The snail is shelled up out of harm.
Curled cold, he waits a summer day Wish I could feel the summer in here more, summer's heat, summer's sun, sun rays, summer's song, summer's warmth, summer's glow, summer's spell
when blasted Spring has blown away.
tectak Maybe an unnecessary nitpick but if you must put your name on the poem, id at least like some breathing space. TBH I suspected the poem was by you when I saw you posted it in the workshop forum. 
May 2017

Hi make,
 sometimes I'm a rhyme whore. Heaven's halls is as far from archaic as a cliche can be, yet still fool all of the peple some of the time. Just google it
incongruously...a big word, an ugly (?) word...but is it the right word. Hmmmmm....
Nothing subtle about the typo...it's a typo.
If I leave out the "when sunshine bid him seek the flower" I loose my rhyme scheme....yikes!!!! I couldn't do that....I just couldn't....
flattened? How about prostrate? That's a mighty big cower, a defeat, a yield....what say you?

Believe me...I wanted a summer day. In the UK summer is on a Tuesday then we really get some hail.....

All taken on board.
 Get back,
 Best,
 tectak