04-24-2017, 07:47 PM
(04-05-2017, 04:43 AM)burrealist Wrote: Hello burr,
Has this one stuck? Could be because you haven't distinguished it with a title...you let the poem down and you let yourself down.
I outline a house with a roof of grey tilesthere is another, better , word for tiles....shingles. For me, that would work.
Scribble the lawn with a dry tree, scarce grassI am worried about the word "with". It is, in terms of art, unclear. You could mean that you scribbled the lawn with a tree(in the view), or, and this is not beyond you...you scribbled the lawn with(using) a tree. Hand of god and all that. Your punctuation is not helping. If you know when to use semi colons you are well advised to do so. If you do not then do not. I assume you do not. Furthermore, I detect tense anomalies ahead. This is, again, a matter of debate when critique at this level is asked for. The lack of preps and the ludicrous capitalising of every line like some deranged 18th century poet or a 21st century schoolboy does not help.
Shadow background hills, smudge a faint skySo, we have outline (verb), scribble(verb), shadow (verb), smudge(verb). I think that gives you and me quite enough to do...and it is a little tedious. You could modify the form just to keep the interest going. It reads like a depressive describing the onerous process of making a cup of tea.
Rustic etching in the tree reveals namesJust because this is poetry (hmmm) is not an excuse for writing with flagrant disregard for grammar. This is what you wrote:
Rustic etching in the tree reveals names my memory-shaded brother, and me maybe this is suicide.
The one attempt at punctuation (so do not say you were not trying) is the comma in the wrong bloody place.
My memory-shaded brother, and me
Maybe this is suicide. I decide that on the roofSometimes a described scene is so vivid in its imagery that a cerebral cameo is created and the whole thing can be referred to as "this", without further explanation. What is "this", here? I have no idea what you mean.
I'll engrave memorials of where we sat...memorials of? I'll engrave memorials where....surely.
I carve an X in the dirt with an axeMost like this line. I like this line. It seems to mean something, say what it means and better yet, I can SEE it....notwithstanding the predicted tense shift from future to present. Disturbing and unnecessary.
Hack the tree down
Draw a ladder
To the crusted, broken walls
I imagine I'll ascend the crooked stepsThe piece has exploded because you are failing to link things together. This where I most need a title. It is only a hair's breadth away from making a complete story from very little....I applaud that...but you really do need to homogenise. As it is the poem is extruding like lumpy tooth paste and globs are falling down the drain hole.
Stake the picture on the roof with the axe
Throw my body to the ground
Leave the house paper-whiteOK. Cards on the table. Unless you work on changing the "condition" of this piece...and it IS your poem...I can only say it reminds me of early video games where one had to collect useful items to complete the "task". Ladder, axe, stake, paper, steps. I know that it MEANS much more than this, so do it justice.
Best,
tectak
I'll be happy to accept any ideas for the title. I deleted my notes.
