04-17-2017, 04:51 PM
Hi. Much of this is very general, which means it's been said before and is cliche. I do like these lines:
I came into consciousness;
I knew you could not follow.
They're attention getting - right away we know a lot of interesting things about the speaker, their audience, and their relationship. They'd make a nice start. Then you could relate the dream in concrete images, ending with the speaker ending it with the figment/memory/spirit/whatever (you could play more on this ambiguity - how would a spirit move? how would a memory behave? Does he/she say something you had wished it would say? Does that suggest it's an expression of you hopes? -- etc.).
Lastly, you sometimes gave lines end-rhymes, sometimes not. For me, I find your rhymed lines would set an expectation, then all the many unrhymed ones would dash me. So use end-rhymes intentionally, not accidentally.
I came into consciousness;
I knew you could not follow.
They're attention getting - right away we know a lot of interesting things about the speaker, their audience, and their relationship. They'd make a nice start. Then you could relate the dream in concrete images, ending with the speaker ending it with the figment/memory/spirit/whatever (you could play more on this ambiguity - how would a spirit move? how would a memory behave? Does he/she say something you had wished it would say? Does that suggest it's an expression of you hopes? -- etc.).
Lastly, you sometimes gave lines end-rhymes, sometimes not. For me, I find your rhymed lines would set an expectation, then all the many unrhymed ones would dash me. So use end-rhymes intentionally, not accidentally.