04-13-2017, 02:32 PM
(04-05-2017, 04:43 AM)burrealist Wrote: I really like this, and I actually feel like I understand what you're trying to say. Your poetic voice sounds a lot like mine, I think.
I outline a house with a roof of grey tiles -I like the use of the words "outline" and "scribble" etc here, like it's something you're just kind of throwing on the paper, like it's less about art and more about the memory
Scribble the lawn with a dry tree, scarce grass
Shadow background hills, smudge a faint sky
Rustic etching in the tree reveals names-I also agree with your choice to leave the names thing vague, as it keeps with your general theme of a hazy, sort of obscure picture
My memory-shaded brother, and me-"Memory-shaded brother" is just perfect. It feels wistful and longing
Maybe this is suicide. I decide that on the roof-I actually have really strong feelings about this line, because when I read the original version this just jumped out at me. The original line said, "Maybe this is suicide. I decide on the roof..." and my first thought was, oh, that's really neat how it could go either way, whether you meant that you've decided the suicide is going to take place via the roof or that, like you went on to specify, you're drawing something else on the roof. It kind of shocked me and also drew me into the poem in a different way than the drawing imagery did. Of course, it's up to you, but basically I liked the original line here best.
I'll engrave memorials of where we sat-I love this. It makes me imagine two people sitting together on the roof made of stone, like a monument to what once was.
I carve an X in the dirt with an axe-for some reason I don't particularly like the use of the "x" sound in this so close together? I also kind of think you should try to play on opposites with this line. I said that the phrase "memory-shaded brother" really hit me as evocative and longing, and I think you could tie that feeling back in here. The use of the word "axe" is very harsh, like you're treating this memory forcefully, but I also get the feeling there are things you miss. Maybe tie in the bittersweetness there with some kind of offset to the anger of the word "axe"?
Hack the tree down
Draw a ladder-Like you're creating a way out of a toxic environment.
To the crusted, broken walls
I imagine I'll ascend the crooked steps-Oh. More like you're wishing you could create a way out?
Stake the picture on the roof with the axe-like a memorial, like a gravestone
Throw my body to the ground-This goes back to what I thought about the original line, "Maybe this is suicide. I decide on the roof..."
Leave the house paper-white-like you've left blank, maybe washed clean from the poison of this place. Like maybe you've left who you were there dead.
Of course I could be way off-base with all of this and just using my life to find my own meanings, which is okay because I think that is what poetry is about. All in all, I love this poem, and if you left it as is it would be great. I'm just trying to give some helpful ideas.
I'll be happy to accept any ideas for the title. I deleted my notes.