Untitled (4th revision)

[burrealist]

Hi burrealist.

Your poem brought to memory a day I was sketching a house, too. Your poem made me cry. Thank you for sitting me at my desk. I was thinking the title of your poem might be The Distracted Architect.



I outline a house beneath grey tiles                                                      -------    Is the artist under grey tiles or is the house under grey tiles?
Scribble the lawn with a dry tree, scarce grass                                     
Shadow some background hills
Rustic etching in the tree reveals names                                             
Me and my brother, memory-shaded                                                  --------    names are carved into the tree?
Maybe this is suicide. I decide that on the roof                                     --------    this is too odd
I'll engrave memorials of him
In the dirt I'll carve an X with an axe                                                    
Hack the tree down                                                                             --------    I imagined the tree was made into a ladder
Draw a ladder
To the crusts of an ugly stone wall                                                       --------    what sort of crusts, why ugly?                                                   
Throw my body to the ground                                                            --------    frustrated?                                                     
Leave the house paper-white                                                               -----------good golly, clever


please be blessed today.
i know it's a crummy day,
but the sun will shine soon.
thank you for the opportunity
to critique your poem

Thanks for your suggestions! I changed a few of the lines and added some details. As always, I appreciate your critique.