04-07-2017, 07:13 AM
(04-06-2017, 02:34 AM)Bunx Wrote: Dealing with SanityNotes:
Staggering through your adult life;
with illness, hardship, and psychotic strife.
Losing friends left and right,
to things assumed by blurred sight.
Cannot even trust the radio that's on,
or the words to a favorite song.
Wishing one can wave a wand,
to end this dance with distractions. Maybe change "distractions" to "distraction" so that the rhyme flows better, or rework the sentence so it can easily end with "distraction".
Self identify that your eyes and ears, 10 syllables
are being deceived by thoughts unclear. 9 syllables
Hear the voice that is so sincere. 8 syllables
Help me back on the path, please persevere. 10 syllables, etc...
Pills, plus apologies with technology, a narrow corridor.
Explaining morals, horrors, and a past restored.
Things settle and one are what they once were.
An individual with dreams of a future.
Years go by, working constantly to get paid.
Keeping friends tight, a working cogs refrain.
Welcome back to now, be here for a stay.
How do you know what one is after life's manic fray.
Dealing with being sane, is better than insanity.
One can push beyond their limits, forward is the strategy.
Recognizing the past with all it's tragedy. The commas in the rest of these lines only work together when there is an interruption in every matching line. Besides that, they're just interruptions to the flow.
Your are stronger, now smile blissfully in reality.
The flow in the stanzas could be more effectual if there was a semi-constant rhythm with syllable count. It's a little conservative, but I find the technique can really help. Notwithstanding, your use of alliteration is excellent, and I can only recommend more of it.