Untitled (4th revision)

[burrealist]

Hi B -- I've had a quick look at your notes and decided to ignore them because I really don't take direction well  So, here's what you get:


You're letting yourself down by leaving out articles and prepositions, presumably to follow your meter.  This is something of a cardinal sin, I'm afraid.  Meter should never drive a poem -- you're the poet, you drive.  And while poetry doesn't have to follow the same grammatical conventions as prose, there are still some rules that make it a lot easier to communicate your meaning.

As for titles, perhaps something cutting like "etch" or "hatch".

Thank you, Leanne. You actually hit the mark while ignoring my directions. That being said, I'll always value original ideas over my own.

I think breaking the meter all together is a good idea. What makes the ending stronger than the beginning is how I used adjectives and whatnot. It was fun to invent something... probably more limiting than fun. The beginning should not be limited, as you pointed out.

Etch the tree with rustic names -- are the names rustic, or the writing itself? What would rustic names be? Alfred loves Irmagard?
Etch the tree with names. Rustic words, (something, something)
I don't want to bring names into the picture. I think it'll raise new questions, like who the heck are they?

Maybe this is suicide. I decide on the roof -- sounds like the decision is being made on the roof, rather than the sketch -- ambiguous grammar is sometimes quite handy, but not in this case. Could be fixed with "that". That would probably bugger your self-imposed meter though -- although I'm pretty decent with meter and I'm not feeling it. 
...decide THAT on the roof, -or- ...decide on THAT roof ?
I didn't understand what you meant.

Thanks for critiquing!