04-03-2017, 06:06 AM
Just a short comment.
Overall, after reading through all the revisions i think this one is the strongest. However, the one line I have an issue with is the lines "with children erased". When i read this a i stumbled a little bit because i thought maybe it was your brother but, no, its not in the poem. He disappeared each morning, so he's obviously not gone. so this line reads too heavy for the rest of the piece. I agree with the previous crit that was referring to this as lack of companions and friends, it fits. But, i think that "erased children" is a knife in the place of a brush.
Overall, after reading through all the revisions i think this one is the strongest. However, the one line I have an issue with is the lines "with children erased". When i read this a i stumbled a little bit because i thought maybe it was your brother but, no, its not in the poem. He disappeared each morning, so he's obviously not gone. so this line reads too heavy for the rest of the piece. I agree with the previous crit that was referring to this as lack of companions and friends, it fits. But, i think that "erased children" is a knife in the place of a brush.