Growing Up with Cerebral Palsy Revision 4

[Lizzie]

Hi Todd. I'm going to critique this one without looking at any of the other comments and come to it fresh. Not sure which style you prefer, fresh or informed. Feel free to inform me of the proper way of approaching this.

I find that the voice wavers between past and present tense. I'd write it all in present tense, since past is so frequently done with 'this is a life's story' pieces. So, I'll highlight in green the verbs I see in past tense, so I'm not frequently pointing it out. I suppose you run the risk of it sounding too diary like, so you'll have to make your choice of what sounds best, I'd just keep it consistent because I was distracted.

Also, I read this one a while ago and several lines have always stuck with me. I think of them randomly, and I've highlighted those in pink to let you know they have a staying power.

Revision 3

I. Infant

I began as an actuarial calculation
back when they did figures by slide rule. -- good showing of time
Through an alchemy of base metals,
Euclid’s perfect numbers,
my two-pound weight,
and my mother’s dead rictus,
they determine a 38% chance. Peter Singer
had not yet written
to reject my being a person. -- you have three my's in a short space. You could eliminate the one before 'two-pound weight' with a little re-wording or just say "and mother's dead rictus."

II. Toddler

I crawled and continue to crawl, -- I like the contrast of the victory here for the speaker and the withering of the mother in the next line
and my mother’s world withers
to a bent stalk, a blighted field.
Children are not the reason for divorce.
We mean to say, not the only reason.

III. Preschool

I wear leg braces beneath my pants
so my parents will feel normal.
Frankenstein’s Monster is my normal. -- here again there's three my's in a row, but this is extreme fussiness on my part.
He clomps like me, and didn’t know
that all babies aren't born by lightning.

IV. Elementary School

I learn that friends only happen
when you stay very still, -- I'd lose 'very' or use another word. It's a weak word. I like the idea of needing to stay still, when contrasted with the predatory imagery of the next stanza. It's very Jurassic Park.
never break a pencil and never go
to the sharpener.

Unobserved, children hunt in packs.
The principal said nothing when I was hit, -- maybe include a break on 'nothing' and make this 4 lines
when my arms were held.

He did tell me that a human bite -- like the contrast of his silence in the previous stanza and him speaking here
is filthier than a dog's after I bit
into Mickey’s forearm and spat -- I like the specific of 'Mickey'
blood on him.

Now they all just walk like me -- do you need 'all'?
when they think I’m not looking.

V. Junior High

In a town too small to have a McDonald's, -- been there, lived that -- good invocation of place
these years are a burning fuse.
The acid of puberty mixed with nothing
to do makes us fight. I never stop
fighting: 138 times and then I quit
counting.

I start getting love letters; -- good use of the much misused semi-colon
that's the way girls fight.

VI. High School

There is a cure for me: -- I'd keep the voice consistently conversational, so I'd say "there's a cure"
Saw through the femur, and re-hamstring -- saw doesn't need to be capitalized coming off of a colon
like a guitar—a coin flip of normal or paralyzed.

I miss being able to hit someone. It feels like love.

Kid in a wheelchair tells me how lucky I am.

The freedom of not giving a shit
is like a flower that breaks through the pavement. -- maybe break on 'breaks' and make this 3 lines. I'd go  full metaphor on this one and lose the 'like.'

This is one of my favorites on the site, and I'm glad to get the chance to work with it.

Cheers,

Lizzie