05-27-2016, 01:47 AM (This post was last modified: 03-23-2017, 11:02 PM by Todd.)
Revision 4
I. Infant
I begin as an actuarial calculation
back when they did figures by slide rule.
Through an alchemy of base metals,
Euclid’s perfect numbers,
my two-pound weight,
and mother’s dead rictus,
they determine a 38% chance.
Peter Singer has not yet written
to reject my being a person.
II. Toddler
I crawl and continue to crawl,
and my mother’s world withers
to a bent stalk, a blighted field.
Children are not the reason for divorce.
We mean to say, not the only reason.
III. Preschool
I wear leg braces beneath pants
so my parents will feel normal.
Frankenstein’s Monster is my normal.
He clomps like me, and doesn’t know
that all babies aren't born by lightning.
IV. Elementary School
I learn that friends only happen
when you stay still, hold your breath,
never break a pencil, and never go
to the sharpener.
Unobserved, children hunt in packs.
The principal says nothing
when my arms are held
when I’m hit.
He does say that a human bite
is filthier than a dog's after I bite
into Mickey’s forearm and spit
blood on him.
Now they just walk like me
when they think I’m not looking.
V. Junior High
In a town too small to have a McDonald's,
these years are a burning fuse.
The acid of puberty mixed with nothing
to do makes us fight. I never stop
fighting: 138 times and then I quit
counting.
I start getting love letters;
that's the way girls fight.
VI. High School
There’s a cure for me:
saw through the femur, and re-hamstring
like a guitar—a coin flip of normal or paralyzed.
I miss being able to hit someone. It feels like love.
Kid in a wheelchair tells me how lucky I am.
The freedom of not giving a shit
is a flower that breaks
through the pavement.
Revision 3
I. Infant
I began as an actuarial calculation
back when they did figures by slide rule.
Through an alchemy of base metals,
Euclid’s perfect numbers,
my two-pound weight,
and my mother’s dead rictus,
they determine a 38% chance. Peter Singer
had not yet written
to reject my being a person.
II. Toddler
I crawled and continue to crawl,
and my mother’s world withers
to a bent stalk, a blighted field.
Children are not the reason for divorce.
We mean to say, not the only reason.
III. Preschool
I wear leg braces beneath my pants
so my parents will feel normal.
Frankenstein’s Monster is my normal.
He clomps like me, and didn’t know
that all babies aren't born by lightning.
IV. Elementary School
I learn that friends only happen
when you stay very still,
never break a pencil and never go
to the sharpener.
Unobserved, children hunt in packs.
The principal said nothing when I was hit,
when my arms were held.
He did tell me that a human bite
is filthier than a dog's after I bit
into Mickey’s forearm and spat
blood on him.
Now they all just walk like me
when they think I’m not looking.
V. Junior High
In a town too small to have a McDonald's,
these years are a burning fuse.
The acid of puberty mixed with nothing
to do makes us fight. I never stop
fighting: 138 times and then I quit
counting.
I start getting love letters;
that's the way girls fight.
VI. High School
There is a cure for me:
Saw through the femur, and re-hamstring
like a guitar—a coin flip of normal or paralyzed.
I miss being able to hit someone. It feels like love.
Kid in a wheelchair tells me how lucky I am.
The freedom of not giving a shit
is like a flower that breaks through the pavement.
~~
Edit 3: Added some changes reflecting on everyone's comments
Revision 2
I.Infant
I began as an actuarial calculation
back when they did figures by slide rule.
Through an alchemy of base metals,
Euclid’s perfect numbers,
my two-pound weight,
and my mother’s rictus confused with a smile,
they determine a 38% chance. Peter Singer
had not yet written
to reject my being a person.
II. Toddler
I crawled and continued to crawl,
and my mother’s world withers
to a bent stalk in a blighted field.
Children are not the reason for divorce.
We mean to say, not the only reason.
III. Preschool
I wear leg braces under my pants
so my parents will feel normal.
This is my normal. Frankenstein’s Monster
clomps like me, and didn’t know
that all babies aren't born by lightning.
IV. Elementary School
I learn that friends happen
when you stay very still,
never break a pencil and never go
to the sharpener.
Unobserved, children hunt in packs.
The principal said nothing when I was hit,
when my arms were held.
He did tell me that a human bite
is filthier than a dog's after I bit
into Mickey’s forearm and spat
blood on him.
Now they all just walk like me
when they think I’m not looking.
V. Junior High
In a town too small to have a McDonald's,
these years are a burning fuse.
The acid of puberty mixed with nothing
to do makes us fight. I never stop
fighting: 138 times and then I quit
counting.
I start getting love letters;
that's the way girls fight.
VI. High School
There is a cure for me:
Saw through the femur, and re-hamstring
like a guitar—a coin flip of normal or paralyzed.
I miss being able to hit someone. It feels like love.
Kid in a wheelchair tells me how lucky I am.
The freedom of not giving a shit
is like a flower that breaks through the pavement.
~~
Edit 2: Leanne: You have a really good eye.
Edit 2.1: Tense change, thank you Kole
Revision
I.Infant
I began as an actuarial calculation
back when they did figures by slide rule.
Through an alchemy of base metals,
Euclid’s perfect numbers,
my two-pound weight,
and my mother’s rictus confused with a smile,
they determined a 38% chance. Peter Singer
had not yet written
to reject my being a person.
II. Toddler
I crawled and continued to crawl,
and my mother’s world shrank
to what would never be, a withered
stalk, a blighted field. Children
are not the reason for divorce.
We mean to say, not the only reason.
III. Preschool
I wore leg braces under my pants
so my parents would feel normal.
This was my normal. Frankenstein’s Monster
clomped like me, and didn’t know
that all babies weren’t born by lightning.
IV. Elementary School
I learned that friends happen
when you stay very still,
never break a pencil, never go
to the sharpener.
Children aren’t innocent:
unobserved, they hunt in packs.
The principal said nothing when I was hit,
when my arms were held.
He did tell me that a human bite
is filthier than a dog's after I bit
into Mickey’s forearm and spat
blood on him.
Now they all just walk like me
when they think I’m not looking.
V. Junior High
These years are a burning fuse
for a town too small to have a McDonald’s.
The acid of puberty mixed with nothing
to do made us fight. I never stopped
fighting: 138 times and then I quit
counting.
I started getting love letters;
that was the way girls fought.
VI. High School
There was a cure for me.
Saw through the femur, and re-hamstring
like a guitar—a coin flip of normal or paralyzed.
I missed being able to hit someone. It felt like love.
Kid in a wheelchair tells me how lucky I am.
The freedom of not giving a shit
is like a flower that breaks through the pavement.
~~~
Edit 1: Mark, Crow, Rivernotch thank you for your comments. Even if I didn't end up taking your ideas I strongly considered all of them. It forced me to determine again why something was included. Thanks for the punctuation help I wrote this from a prompt and didn't clean it well. I tried a semicolon in one instance that I think I can get away with without an adverbial clause. I hope it all works better. There are more edits to go--but here's my first pass.
Original
I. Infant
I began as an actuarial calculation
back when they did figures by slide rule,
a strange alchemyof Euclid’s perfect numbers,
my two-pound weight,
and my mother’s painted on smile
to determine a 38% chance. Peter Singer
had not yet written
to reject my being a person.
II. Toddler
I crawled and continued to crawl,
and my mother’s world shrank
to what would never be. Dreams
like a blighted field. Children
are not the reason for divorce.
We mean to say, not the only reason.
III. Preschool
I wore leg braces under my pants
so my parents would feel normal.
This was my normal. Frankenstein’s Monster
clomped like me, and didn’t know
that all babies weren’t born by lightning.
IV. Elementary School
I learned that friends happen
when you stay very still,
never break a pencil, never go
to the sharpener.
Children aren’t innocent,
and they hunt in packs.
The principal said that a human bite
is filthier than a dog's when I bit
into Mickey’s forearm and spat
blood on him as his friends let go
of my arms.
Now they all just walk like me
when they think I’m not looking.
V. Junior High
These years are a burning fuse
for a town too small to have a McDonalds.
The acid of puberty mixed with nothing
to do made us fight. I never stopped
fighting, 138 times and then I quit
counting.
I started getting love letters
that was the way girls fought.
VI. High School
There was a cure for me.
Saw through the femur, and re-hamstring
like a guitar—a coin flip of normal or paralyzed.
I missed being able to hit someone. It felt like love.
Kid in a wheelchair tells me how lucky I am.
Everyone’s heaven is someone’s hell.
The freedom of not giving a shit
is like a flower that breaks through the pavement.
~~
Made some slight edits to one of my NaPM poems.
Hi Todd, this is already a very good poem and personally I am struggling to come up with a decent critique that is worthy of the poem. When I saw the title in the reader I headed straight for it and have read it several times now. Cerebral Palsy is an issue close to my heart as my Dad had it. I know all about my Dad's life from what the doctors said when he was born through his school days and beyond and there are certain similarities with your poem that are almost replica situations, which makes me wonder from what experience you are writing this. Although that's not me asking, it is a poem and I should treat it as a poem, but to me it is so much more than a poem so I don't know what use I can be of...
(05-27-2016, 01:47 AM)Todd Wrote: I. Infant -- I like the separate headings indicating stages of life. I also went and found this in NaPM and then realised that the theme was a list poem.
I began as an actuarial calculation -- An excellent start, I was unaware of the term 'actuarial' before, sonically and visually it works well with 'calculation'. Together they emphasise the cold, mathematical efficiency of a process that seems not to notice that there is a human involved.
back when they did figures by slide rule,
a strange alchemyof Euclid’s perfect numbers,-- not sure of the word 'strange' here, although 'alchemy' is perfect. A word like 'fantastic' or perhaps 'eccentric' essentially could mean the same as 'strange' but also with additional meaning. It all depends how you want the tone of this early passage to be, miraculous or...
my two-pound weight,
and my mother’s painted on smile
to determine a 38% chance. Peter Singer-- I presume that the 38% is an actual figure that has to be reached through this cold calculation, I was unaware that such methods were ever used. And ermm Peter Singer, I had never heard of him before. But now, yes, he is a conundrum and a half, but lets not let him distract from the poem. It may be a very definite Australian reference that people from other countries will not know but I was fine with looking it up and I understand the tone used here.
had not yet written
to reject my being a person.
II. Toddler
I crawled and continued to crawl,-- This seems to take on two meanings whether it be intentional or not. The obvious one being a disability which would necessitate crawling, the other one could be how a person with cerebral palsy might feel in society due to how they are treated. I know that your saying that he crawled and never developed into walking, but it has took me a couple of reads before I got that, but I think it could be more to do with the way I read it the first time. Perhaps someone else will say yes or no to how obvious it is.
and my mother’s world shrank
to what would never be. Dreams
like a blighted field. Children
are not the reason for divorce.
We mean to say, not the only reason. -- This the only stanza that touches on how others lives are effected. It is very poignant.
III. Preschool
I wore leg braces under my pants
so my parents would feel normal.
This was my normal. Frankenstein’s Monster -- The inclusion of Frankenstein's Monster is a great addition here,
clomped like me, and didn’t know -- also like clomped which as well as having an awkward cumbersome feel about it also has a slight hint of humour about it. Humour on the narrators part and his view of himself as if we are seeing a character and resilience starting to form at this age.
that all babies weren’t born by lightning.
IV. Elementary School
I learned that friends happen
when you stay very still,
never break a pencil, never go
to the sharpener. -- This is a sad but well thought out stanza, I actually didn't fully get what was happening the first two or three times I read it, but it's just clicked now. Perhaps the two lines below should not be separate from this part and even perhaps connected with another line or word not 'because' but something that would serve the same purpose. The reason he wants not to stand out is because children can be the cruelest most vicious of predators.
Children aren’t innocent,
and they hunt in packs. -- Although I think you have expressed it well here I think perhaps there is a chance to add just a bit more to stress how big the problem is because I think that this is the age where children are the cruelest and for someone who is different it must be such a massive issue.
The principal said that a human bite
is filthier than a dog's when I bit
into Mickey’s forearm and spat
blood on him as his friend’s let go
of my arms.
Now they all just walk like me
when they think I’m not looking. -- is there a possibility of bringing in 'clomp' again here in some way that benefits the narrator as he is the only one that is aware of the whole situation.
V. Junior High
These years are a burning fuse
for a town too small to have a McDonalds.
The acid of puberty mixed with nothing
to do made us fight. I never stopped -- I'm getting the sense here things have moved on a step and the mention of 'us' means that the fighting is not because people are making fun of him and him reacting, but more so that is just what they do. Have I got this correct.
fighting, 138 times and then I quit -- I like the very specific number here, is it intentionally related to the 38% reference in the first stanza... it seems to make sense that way for me.
counting.
I started getting love letters
that was the way girls fought.
VI. High School
There was a cure for me.
Saw through the femur, and re-hamstring
like a guitar—a coin flip of normal or paralyzed. -- I've just read about this operation now. What I didn't immediately get on the first time of reading was the importance of how this procedure could go one way or the just as easily. I know that 'a coin flip' illustrates how easily both outcomes are possible and in some ways that is perfect but I kind of want something more dramatic here, like THIS IS IT. Off the top of my head it's Russian Roulette with three bullets in the gun or something similar.
I missed being able to hit someone. It felt like love.
Kid in a wheelchair tells me how lucky I am.
Everyone’s heaven is someone’s hell. -- I was in two minds as to say whether or not this is bordering on cliche... "Someone's heaven is someone's hell" would be the cliche. But it's whether or not this gets away with it in this context. I'll need to think on this one thing a bit more, I feel as though I could be missing certain subtleties due to the late hour I now find myself writing this.
The freedom of not giving a shit
is like a flower that breaks through the pavement. -- I really like this ending and especially the last line which reminds me very much of one of my favourite quotes, "The drops of rain make a hole in the stone, not by violence, but by oft falling." - Lucretius, however I think that the flower breaking through the pavement is a far more powerful image.
~~
Made some slight edits to one of my NaPM poems.
I have actually done a better critique than what I thought I would be able to do. I thought that I would be making constant references to what I know about my Dad's life and how relevant etc... But I didn't, thank goodness for that.
As I said at the beginning I think this is a very good poem indeed that I would struggle to improve myself. I think that you have covered the subject of cerebral palsy intelligently and more importantly humanly. There are elements that I know for a fact to be extremely accurate in their representation, in some ways it makes it even more amazing that the situations that I am comparing have happened on total opposite sides of the planet. Human nature being the one constant.
Thanks for sharing this poem Todd, it was there all the time in NaPM and I was blissfully unaware,
This is wonderous. My comments are incomplete, with apologies. That said, the verse here is potbellied. Please liposuction the flabby language. As is, this poem smells like bacon.
Copy Edit
I. Infant
I began as an actuarial calculation[,]
--needs the comma bc "back . . . rule" is a parenthetical.
----Really, I'd prefer an em-dash, bc this nested list is unpleasantly cabbaged
back when they did figures by slide rule,
a strange alchemy of Euclid’s perfect numbers,
--"strange" is weak, inapt, and redundant
----the items in the series are definitionally strange
--"alchemy" is inapt
----you want "brew," "tea," "compound," or some such thing. Select a word that advances your purpose, not one that is leadenly descriptive
my two-pound weight,
--I'd prefer a scale on ounces. This figure is unbelievable, so precision will engender credibility
and my mother’s painted[-]on smile
--"painted-on" is inapt. It miscues an idea about lipstick, which would be askew
to determine a 38% chance. Peter Singer
--I'd love it if "38" were explored, as a numerology or a predictor
had not yet written
to reject my being a person.
--your being a person? Please air this out
II. Toddler
I crawled and continued to crawl,
and my mother’s world shrank
to what would never be. Dreams
like a blighted field. Children
are not the reason for divorce.
We mean to say, not the only reason.
III. Preschool
I wore [out:leg] braces under my pants
so my parents would feel normal.
This was my normal. Frankenstein’s Monster
clomped like me, and didn’t know
that all babies weren’t born by lightning.
IV. Elementary School
I learned that friends happen
when you stay very still,
never break a pencil, never go
to the sharpener.
Children aren’t innocent,
and they hunt in packs.
The principal said that a human bite
is filthier than a dog's when I bit
into Mickey’s forearm and spat
blood on him as his friend’s let go
of my arms.
Now they all just walk like me
when they think I’m not looking.
V. Junior High
These years are a burning fuse
for a town too small to have a McDonalds.
The acid of puberty mixed with nothing
to do made us fight. I never stopped
fighting, 138 times and then I quit
counting.
I started getting love letters
that was the way girls fought.
VI. High School
There was a cure for me.
Saw through the femur, and re-hamstring
like a guitar—a coin flip of normal or paralyzed.
I missed being able to hit someone. It felt like love.
Kid in a wheelchair tells me how lucky I am.
Everyone’s heaven is someone’s hell.
The freedom of not giving a shit
is like a flower that breaks through the pavement.
I appreciate your read and your connection with the subject matter. You wondered what experience I'm writing this from. For many of my poems I am an observer. In this case, I'm pretty much the speaker. This is one of the few poems that is as close to confessional poetry as I allow myself. That said, of course the poem stands alone and I have don't confuse critique with a critique on my actual experience. It was hard to find the distance to even get to this point with it.
(05-27-2016, 03:10 PM)ambrosial revelation Wrote: Hi Todd, this is already a very good poem and personally I am struggling to come up with a decent critique that is worthy of the poem. When I saw the title in the reader I headed straight for it and have read it several times now. Cerebral Palsy is an issue close to my heart as my Dad had it. I know all about my Dad's life from what the doctors said when he was born through his school days and beyond and there are certain similarities with your poem that are almost replica situations, which makes me wonder from what experience you are writing this. Although that's not me asking, it is a poem and I should treat it as a poem, but to me it is so much more than a poem so I don't know what use I can be of...
(05-27-2016, 01:47 AM)Todd Wrote: I. Infant -- I like the separate headings indicating stages of life. I also went and found this in NaPM and then realised that the theme was a list poem.
I began as an actuarial calculation -- An excellent start, I was unaware of the term 'actuarial' before, sonically and visually it works well with 'calculation'. Together they emphasise the cold, mathematical efficiency of a process that seems not to notice that there is a human involved.
back when they did figures by slide rule,
a strange alchemyof Euclid’s perfect numbers,-- not sure of the word 'strange' here, although 'alchemy' is perfect. A word like 'fantastic' or perhaps 'eccentric' essentially could mean the same as 'strange' but also with additional meaning. It all depends how you want the tone of this early passage to be, miraculous or...--Thanks I'll give this a look and try to pare back some of the unnecessary modifiers.
my two-pound weight,
and my mother’s painted on smile
to determine a 38% chance. Peter Singer-- I presume that the 38% is an actual figure that has to be reached through this cold calculation, I was unaware that such methods were ever used. And ermm Peter Singer, I had never heard of him before. But now, yes, he is a conundrum and a half, but lets not let him distract from the poem. It may be a very definite Australian reference that people from other countries will not know but I was fine with looking it up and I understand the tone used here.
had not yet written
to reject my being a person.
II. Toddler
I crawled and continued to crawl,-- This seems to take on two meanings whether it be intentional or not. The obvious one being a disability which would necessitate crawling, the other one could be how a person with cerebral palsy might feel in society due to how they are treated. I know that your saying that he crawled and never developed into walking, but it has took me a couple of reads before I got that, but I think it could be more to do with the way I read it the first time. Perhaps someone else will say yes or no to how obvious it is.
and my mother’s world shrank
to what would never be. Dreams
like a blighted field. Children
are not the reason for divorce.
We mean to say, not the only reason. -- This the only stanza that touches on how others lives are effected. It is very poignant.
III. Preschool
I wore leg braces under my pants
so my parents would feel normal.
This was my normal. Frankenstein’s Monster -- The inclusion of Frankenstein's Monster is a great addition here,
clomped like me, and didn’t know -- also like clomped which as well as having an awkward cumbersome feel about it also has a slight hint of humour about it. Humour on the narrators part and his view of himself as if we are seeing a character and resilience starting to form at this age.
that all babies weren’t born by lightning.
IV. Elementary School
I learned that friends happen
when you stay very still,
never break a pencil, never go
to the sharpener. -- This is a sad but well thought out stanza, I actually didn't fully get what was happening the first two or three times I read it, but it's just clicked now. Perhaps the two lines below should not be separate from this part and even perhaps connected with another line or word not 'because' but something that would serve the same purpose. The reason he wants not to stand out is because children can be the cruelest most vicious of predators.--I'll consider the rearrangement of the strophe.
Children aren’t innocent,
and they hunt in packs. -- Although I think you have expressed it well here I think perhaps there is a chance to add just a bit more to stress how big the problem is because I think that this is the age where children are the cruelest and for someone who is different it must be such a massive issue.--Good thoughts. I'll give this some consideration.
The principal said that a human bite
is filthier than a dog's when I bit
into Mickey’s forearm and spat
blood on him as his friend’s let go
of my arms.
Now they all just walk like me
when they think I’m not looking. -- is there a possibility of bringing in 'clomp' again here in some way that benefits the narrator as he is the only one that is aware of the whole situation.--I'll consider it.
V. Junior High
These years are a burning fuse
for a town too small to have a McDonalds.
The acid of puberty mixed with nothing
to do made us fight. I never stopped -- I'm getting the sense here things have moved on a step and the mention of 'us' means that the fighting is not because people are making fun of him and him reacting, but more so that is just what they do. Have I got this correct.--I meant it to be them making fun but mostly because they're bored and want to fight. If it wasn't one thing they would have focused on something else. Fighting just seemed to be something we all did.
fighting, 138 times and then I quit -- I like the very specific number here, is it intentionally related to the 38% reference in the first stanza... it seems to make sense that way for me.
counting.
I started getting love letters
that was the way girls fought.
VI. High School
There was a cure for me.
Saw through the femur, and re-hamstring
like a guitar—a coin flip of normal or paralyzed. -- I've just read about this operation now. What I didn't immediately get on the first time of reading was the importance of how this procedure could go one way or the just as easily. I know that 'a coin flip' illustrates how easily both outcomes are possible and in some ways that is perfect but I kind of want something more dramatic here, like THIS IS IT. Off the top of my head it's Russian Roulette with three bullets in the gun or something similar.--I'll think about it. The odds might be better now. It's been about 35 years. It was described to me as 50/50 at the time. I'll give the idea of added drama some thought.
I missed being able to hit someone. It felt like love.
Kid in a wheelchair tells me how lucky I am.
Everyone’s heaven is someone’s hell. -- I was in two minds as to say whether or not this is bordering on cliche... "Someone's heaven is someone's hell" would be the cliche. But it's whether or not this gets away with it in this context. I'll need to think on this one thing a bit more, I feel as though I could be missing certain subtleties due to the late hour I now find myself writing this.--It's probably at least too predictable if not clicle. I think I'll just cut the Everyone line and let it sit without that line.
The freedom of not giving a shit
is like a flower that breaks through the pavement. -- I really like this ending and especially the last line which reminds me very much of one of my favourite quotes, "The drops of rain make a hole in the stone, not by violence, but by oft falling." - Lucretius, however I think that the flower breaking through the pavement is a far more powerful image.
~~
Made some slight edits to one of my NaPM poems.
I have actually done a better critique than what I thought I would be able to do. I thought that I would be making constant references to what I know about my Dad's life and how relevant etc... But I didn't, thank goodness for that.
As I said at the beginning I think this is a very good poem indeed that I would struggle to improve myself. I think that you have covered the subject of cerebral palsy intelligently and more importantly humanly. There are elements that I know for a fact to be extremely accurate in their representation, in some ways it makes it even more amazing that the situations that I am comparing have happened on total opposite sides of the planet. Human nature being the one constant.
Thanks for sharing this poem Todd, it was there all the time in NaPM and I was blissfully unaware,
Cheers for the read,
Mark
Thank you Mark. I appreciate the time you spent with the poem.
06-01-2016, 06:57 AM (This post was last modified: 06-02-2016, 01:45 AM by Todd.)
Hi Crow,
I appreciate your comments. Rather than engage with each one on the thread, I've printed them out and am working through your thought process. Thank you for the time you spent.
Best,
Todd
(05-27-2016, 03:11 PM)crow Wrote: This is wonderous. My comments are incomplete, with apologies. That said, the verse here is potbellied. Please liposuction the flabby language. As is, this poem smells like bacon.
Copy Edit
I. Infant
I began as an actuarial calculation[,]
--needs the comma bc "back . . . rule" is a parenthetical.
----Really, I'd prefer an em-dash, bc this nested list is unpleasantly cabbaged
back when they did figures by slide rule,
a strange alchemy of Euclid’s perfect numbers,
--"strange" is weak, inapt, and redundant
----the items in the series are definitionally strange
--"alchemy" is inapt
----you want "brew," "tea," "compound," or some such thing. Select a word that advances your purpose, not one that is leadenly descriptive
my two-pound weight,
--I'd prefer a scale on ounces. This figure is unbelievable, so precision will engender credibility
and my mother’s painted[-]on smile
--"painted-on" is inapt. It miscues an idea about lipstick, which would be askew
to determine a 38% chance. Peter Singer
--I'd love it if "38" were explored, as a numerology or a predictor
had not yet written
to reject my being a person.
--your being a person? Please air this out
II. Toddler
I crawled and continued to crawl,
and my mother’s world shrank
to what would never be. Dreams
like a blighted field. Children
are not the reason for divorce.
We mean to say, not the only reason.
III. Preschool
I wore [out:leg] braces under my pants
so my parents would feel normal.
This was my normal. Frankenstein’s Monster
clomped like me, and didn’t know
that all babies weren’t born by lightning.
IV. Elementary School
I learned that friends happen
when you stay very still,
never break a pencil, never go
to the sharpener.
Children aren’t innocent,
and they hunt in packs.
The principal said that a human bite
is filthier than a dog's when I bit
into Mickey’s forearm and spat
blood on him as his friends let go
of my arms.
Now they all just walk like me
when they think I’m not looking.
V. Junior High
These years are a burning fuse
for a town too small to have a McDonalds.
The acid of puberty mixed with nothing
to do made us fight. I never stopped
fighting, 138 times and then I quit
counting.
I started getting love letters
that was the way girls fought.
VI. High School
There was a cure for me.
Saw through the femur, and re-hamstring
like a guitar—a coin flip of normal or paralyzed.
I missed being able to hit someone. It felt like love.
Kid in a wheelchair tells me how lucky I am.
Everyone’s heaven is someone’s hell.
The freedom of not giving a shit
is like a flower that breaks through the pavement.
I hope to seriously get into this as soon as possible, but for now, a few small notes:
FIRST SECTION -- first sentence a bit weird:
I began as an actuarial calculation back when they did figures by slide rule, a strange alchemy of Euclid’s perfect numbers, my two-pound weight, and my mother’s painted on smile to determine a 38% chance.
needs just a tiny comma right after smile, I think, to work perfectly. though even without correction, when lined up, it's clear, so i guess it's enough.
SECOND SECTION -- dreams is also a bit weird -- fragments are bad in an otherwise grammatically conventional piece, I think, but connecting it to its preceding sister might complicate things. do so, and I would suggest using a comma, then changing the second line's "and" to a "while" -- but then, what would those dreams specifically refer to? hmm -- maybe give the statement a sense of time? "while.... / ...her dreams / becoming a blighted field. Children" but then that would remove the elusive sense of the original wording...
FOURTH SECTION -- better, I think, to remove the and in "and they hunt in packs", then use a colon preceding. impact through brevity, I suppose.
i'm so happy no one caught this --- and kinda annoyed the poet didn't. it's "friends let go", not "friend's let go", xP also, why would the principal say that while the speaker was doing all that violence? that is, i'd rather you use "after" than "when". and, for my first proper stylistic note, i would prefer "as his friends / let go of mine", simply because it sounds cleaner -- granted, a lot of other bits of the poem sound just as dirty, to the same good effect.
FIFTH SECTION -- irony: the typical spelling (though i believe even corporate breaks this one) is McDonald's. the comma in "fighting, 138" i think should be a colon, though that presents a bit of a problem regarding the next stanza, whose two lines definitely should be separated by a colon. or at least a period, since you have other subordinate clauses so separated (that.....hey, haven't yet been introduced! but anyway, it's more excusable in this sort of poetry than completely incomplete fragments, at least).
SIXTH SECTION -- the em dash appears -- once. how dare you! xD
Thanks especially for catching the stupid apostrophe. That's why we have editors no matter how many times you read it things will slip through. So great detail, RN. I will strive to address some of these issues in the revision.
Todd, I'm only going to look at the revision and I haven't read any other comments -- this was possibly my favourite to come out of NaPM and it was a great success in one of the kinds of poems I simply refused to tackle, a list. I found it deeply moving on first read, so let's see how I go with critique today...
(05-27-2016, 01:47 AM)Todd Wrote: Revision
I.Infant
I began as an actuarial calculation -- though I'm sure that there's an actuary somewhere who is bubbling over with emotion, the stereotype would of course lead us to believe that this is a dispassionate beginning, and that is the reading I'm prepared to run with
back when they did figures by slide rule.
Through an alchemy of base metals,
Euclid’s perfect numbers,
my two-pound weight, -- these lines all add to something hard and cold, a theoretical construct rather than a baby
and my mother’s rictus confused with a smile,
they determined a 38% chance. Peter Singer
had not yet written
to reject my being a person. -- morality is such a wonderful thing when it applies to theoretical constructs, rather than babies...
II. Toddler
I crawled and continued to crawl, -- this is subtle and much stronger for it
and my mother’s world shrank
to what would never be, a withered -- I tend to feel that "what would never be" is so unsubtle in contrast that it stands out as cliche. Personally, I'd remove it and go straight to the withered stalk
stalk, a blighted field. Children
are not the reason for divorce.
We mean to say, not the only reason. -- ending the strophe with a punch for the liars. Great.
III. Preschool
I wore leg braces under my pants
so my parents would feel normal. -- the child remains a reflection upon his parents -- it is interesting and quite accurate, I suppose, to place the only blame here on the parents' need for conformity, but of course society needs people to conform so it is by extension a much bigger thing than one family's image
This was my normal. Frankenstein’s Monster
clomped like me, and didn’t know
that all babies weren’t born by lightning. -- I am tossing up with suggesting "aren't" instead here. Although the piece is in past tense, this is an ongoing concept.
IV. Elementary School
I learned that friends happen
when you stay very still,
never break a pencil, never go -- consider "and never go" instead of the comma to change it up just slightly
to the sharpener. -- this is isolation in perfect vignette. Friends are not made: they happen, but only if you do nothing to frighten them away.
Children aren’t innocent:
unobserved, they hunt in packs. -- "children aren't innocent" seems overstated. I wonder what you'd think of "unobserved, children hunt in packs" or some such?
The principal said nothing when I was hit,
when my arms were held.
He did tell me that a human bite
is filthier than a dog's after I bit
into Mickey’s forearm and spat
blood on him. -- the different child is always the feral child. It's easier to pretend that the difference reduces the level of humanity than to examine what humanity actually entails.
Now they all just walk like me
when they think I’m not looking. -- oh yes, the artistry of the ape in its natural habitat.
V. Junior High
These years are a burning fuse
for a town too small to have a McDonald’s. -- consider reversing these lines, just because the burning fuse is an image diminished by the McDonald's thing. "In a town too small to have a McDonald's/ these years are a burning fuse". Also, does this need to be past tense?
The acid of puberty mixed with nothing
to do made us fight. I never stopped
fighting: 138 times and then I quit
counting. -- stopping counting instead of fighting is a perfectly logical thing to do
I started getting love letters;
that was the way girls fought. -- girls are now, and have always been, the nastier fighters
VI. High School
There was a cure for me. -- how would you feel about removing "for me" here?
Saw through the femur, and re-hamstring
like a guitar—a coin flip of normal or paralyzed.
I missed being able to hit someone. It felt like love.
Kid in a wheelchair tells me how lucky I am.
The freedom of not giving a shit
is like a flower that breaks through the pavement. -- I don't know how I feel about this close. On the one hand, it's a solid image -- on the other, I've seen it before. And just personally, I would have liked to see a cycling back to a mathematical metaphor, even though the poem has progressed to the organic. Maths is nature, after all...
I appreciate the time you spent and your careful read. I will definitely use a lot of it in revision. Since I agree with some of it immediately there will be a quick revision on some points raised, and some more thought put into the others.
Hi, Todd. I'm very impressed with your connection between strength and vulnerability in this piece and could point out (at least) a dozen lines that blow me away. It's a great read! I see you revised for verb tense, so I'd like to pick up that thread from Leanne.
[quote='Todd' pid='211227' dateline='1464281265']
...Frankenstein’s Monster
clomps like me, and didn’t know is the shift in tense here necessary? the literary present could be used for shelly's character? also, the agency of the verb didn't connects to the 'Monster.' might it encompass the monster and the speaker (grammatically speaking)
that all babies aren't born by lightning.
...I start getting love letters;
that was the way girls fought. other stanzas blend tenses to a beautiful effect, but i'm not sure that same power is achieved with these lines; can one 'start' in the present, then reflect on the way is 'was' in the past?
VI. High School
There is a cure for me:
Saw through the femur, and re-hamstring great work here
like a guitar—a coin flip of normal or paralyzed.
I miss being able to hit someone. It feels like love.
Kid in a wheelchair tells me how lucky I am.
The freedom of not giving a shit
is like a flower that breaks through the pavement. i get the symbolism completely, but might the symbol more closely connect to the previous images? we have the imagery of 'braces' in S3, just as tough as pavement and more true to the poem. braces are iron or steel, braces hold up other things too, structures for example...ideas?
You have a gift with words. Thanks for sharing this. -Kole
I appreciate your comments. I'll make a tense change on the girl's fought area. I agree. I also here what you're saying on the last lines. I'm not sure I want to tie back to the leg braces for a variety of reasons. if I were to mix it up, I may go back to Alchemy and the transformation of base metals. I've messed around with that a little. Stalk/field earlier (though not in the first version) give me a bit of a connection to the current lines. I guess what I'm saying is I'm still thinking about it and haven't come up with anything new yet that satisfies me in its tone.
I appreciate all the critiques. They helped clarify much of this piece for me. I take a long time to do proper rewrites so I'm mainly posting this to let those who commented know that yes I do eventually get around to updating the poems. Mostly the critiques are just good to read and reflect upon whether I take any of the advice or not. The thinking is the important part. I still have some things to work out on this one but again more thinking required.
(05-27-2016, 01:47 AM)Todd Wrote: Todd, forgive me, it's late. great work. I will get back.
tectak Revision 3
I. Infant
I began as an actuarial calculation
back when they did figures by slide rule.
Through an alchemy of base metals,
Euclid’s perfect numbers,
my two-pound weight,
and my mother’s dead rictus,
they determine a 38% chance. Peter Singer
had not yet written
to reject my being a person.
II. Toddler
I crawled and continue to crawl,
and my mother’s world withers
to a bent stalk, a blighted field.
Children are not the reason for divorce.
We mean to say, not the only reason.
III. Preschool
I wear leg braces beneath my pants
so my parents will feel normal.
Frankenstein’s Monster is my normal.
He clomps like me, and didn’t know
that all babies aren't born by lightning.
IV. Elementary School
I learn that friends only happen
when you stay very still,
never break a pencil and never go
to the sharpener.
Unobserved, children hunt in packs.
The principal said nothing when I was hit,
when my arms were held.
He did tell me that a human bite
is filthier than a dog's after I bit
into Mickey’s forearm and spat
blood on him.
Now they all just walk like me
when they think I’m not looking.
V. Junior High
In a town too small to have a McDonald's,
these years are a burning fuse.
The acid of puberty mixed with nothing
to do makes us fight. I never stop
fighting: 138 times and then I quit
counting.
I start getting love letters;
that's the way girls fight.
VI. High School
There is a cure for me:
Saw through the femur, and re-hamstring
like a guitar—a coin flip of normal or paralyzed.
I miss being able to hit someone. It feels like love.
Kid in a wheelchair tells me how lucky I am.
The freedom of not giving a shit
is like a flower that breaks through the pavement.
~~
Edit 3: Added some changes reflecting on everyone's comments
Revision 2
I.Infant
I began as an actuarial calculation
back when they did figures by slide rule.
Through an alchemy of base metals,
Euclid’s perfect numbers,
my two-pound weight,
and my mother’s rictus confused with a smile,
they determine a 38% chance. Peter Singer
had not yet written
to reject my being a person.
II. Toddler
I crawled and continued to crawl,
and my mother’s world withers
to a bent stalk in a blighted field.
Children are not the reason for divorce.
We mean to say, not the only reason.
III. Preschool
I wear leg braces under my pants
so my parents will feel normal.
This is my normal. Frankenstein’s Monster
clomps like me, and didn’t know
that all babies aren't born by lightning.
IV. Elementary School
I learn that friends happen
when you stay very still,
never break a pencil and never go
to the sharpener.
Unobserved, children hunt in packs.
The principal said nothing when I was hit,
when my arms were held.
He did tell me that a human bite
is filthier than a dog's after I bit
into Mickey’s forearm and spat
blood on him.
Now they all just walk like me
when they think I’m not looking.
V. Junior High
In a town too small to have a McDonald's,
these years are a burning fuse.
The acid of puberty mixed with nothing
to do makes us fight. I never stop
fighting: 138 times and then I quit
counting.
I start getting love letters;
that's the way girls fight.
VI. High School
There is a cure for me:
Saw through the femur, and re-hamstring
like a guitar—a coin flip of normal or paralyzed.
I miss being able to hit someone. It feels like love.
Kid in a wheelchair tells me how lucky I am.
The freedom of not giving a shit
is like a flower that breaks through the pavement.
~~
Edit 2: Leanne: You have a really good eye.
Edit 2.1: Tense change, thank you Kole
Revision
I.Infant
I began as an actuarial calculation
back when they did figures by slide rule.
Through an alchemy of base metals,
Euclid’s perfect numbers,
my two-pound weight,
and my mother’s rictus confused with a smile,
they determined a 38% chance. Peter Singer
had not yet written
to reject my being a person.
II. Toddler
I crawled and continued to crawl,
and my mother’s world shrank
to what would never be, a withered
stalk, a blighted field. Children
are not the reason for divorce.
We mean to say, not the only reason.
III. Preschool
I wore leg braces under my pants
so my parents would feel normal.
This was my normal. Frankenstein’s Monster
clomped like me, and didn’t know
that all babies weren’t born by lightning.
IV. Elementary School
I learned that friends happen
when you stay very still,
never break a pencil, never go
to the sharpener.
Children aren’t innocent:
unobserved, they hunt in packs.
The principal said nothing when I was hit,
when my arms were held.
He did tell me that a human bite
is filthier than a dog's after I bit
into Mickey’s forearm and spat
blood on him.
Now they all just walk like me
when they think I’m not looking.
V. Junior High
These years are a burning fuse
for a town too small to have a McDonald’s.
The acid of puberty mixed with nothing
to do made us fight. I never stopped
fighting: 138 times and then I quit
counting.
I started getting love letters;
that was the way girls fought.
VI. High School
There was a cure for me.
Saw through the femur, and re-hamstring
like a guitar—a coin flip of normal or paralyzed.
I missed being able to hit someone. It felt like love.
Kid in a wheelchair tells me how lucky I am.
The freedom of not giving a shit
is like a flower that breaks through the pavement.
~~~
Edit 1: Mark, Crow, Rivernotch thank you for your comments. Even if I didn't end up taking your ideas I strongly considered all of them. It forced me to determine again why something was included. Thanks for the punctuation help I wrote this from a prompt and didn't clean it well. I tried a semicolon in one instance that I think I can get away with without an adverbial clause. I hope it all works better. There are more edits to go--but here's my first pass.
Original
I. Infant
I began as an actuarial calculation
back when they did figures by slide rule,
a strange alchemyof Euclid’s perfect numbers,
my two-pound weight,
and my mother’s painted on smile
to determine a 38% chance. Peter Singer
had not yet written
to reject my being a person.
II. Toddler
I crawled and continued to crawl,
and my mother’s world shrank
to what would never be. Dreams
like a blighted field. Children
are not the reason for divorce.
We mean to say, not the only reason.
III. Preschool
I wore leg braces under my pants
so my parents would feel normal.
This was my normal. Frankenstein’s Monster
clomped like me, and didn’t know
that all babies weren’t born by lightning.
IV. Elementary School
I learned that friends happen
when you stay very still,
never break a pencil, never go
to the sharpener.
Children aren’t innocent,
and they hunt in packs.
The principal said that a human bite
is filthier than a dog's when I bit
into Mickey’s forearm and spat
blood on him as his friends let go
of my arms.
Now they all just walk like me
when they think I’m not looking.
V. Junior High
These years are a burning fuse
for a town too small to have a McDonalds.
The acid of puberty mixed with nothing
to do made us fight. I never stopped
fighting, 138 times and then I quit
counting.
I started getting love letters
that was the way girls fought.
VI. High School
There was a cure for me.
Saw through the femur, and re-hamstring
like a guitar—a coin flip of normal or paralyzed.
I missed being able to hit someone. It felt like love.
Kid in a wheelchair tells me how lucky I am.
Everyone’s heaven is someone’s hell.
The freedom of not giving a shit
is like a flower that breaks through the pavement.
~~
Made some slight edits to one of my NaPM poems.
Hi Todd. I'm going to critique this one without looking at any of the other comments and come to it fresh. Not sure which style you prefer, fresh or informed. Feel free to inform me of the proper way of approaching this.
I find that the voice wavers between past and present tense. I'd write it all in present tense, since past is so frequently done with 'this is a life's story' pieces. So, I'll highlight in green the verbs I see in past tense, so I'm not frequently pointing it out. I suppose you run the risk of it sounding too diary like, so you'll have to make your choice of what sounds best, I'd just keep it consistent because I was distracted.
Also, I read this one a while ago and several lines have always stuck with me. I think of them randomly, and I've highlighted those in pink to let you know they have a staying power.
(05-27-2016, 01:47 AM)Todd Wrote: Revision 3
I. Infant
I began as an actuarial calculation
back when they did figures by slide rule. -- good showing of time
Through an alchemy of base metals,
Euclid’s perfect numbers,
my two-pound weight,
and my mother’s dead rictus,
they determine a 38% chance. Peter Singer had not yet written
to reject my being a person. -- you have three my's in a short space. You could eliminate the one before 'two-pound weight' with a little re-wording or just say "and mother's dead rictus."
II. Toddler
I crawled and continue to crawl, -- I like the contrast of the victory here for the speaker and the withering of the mother in the next line
and my mother’s world withers
to a bent stalk, a blighted field. Children are not the reason for divorce. We mean to say, not the only reason.
III. Preschool
I wear leg braces beneath my pants so my parents will feel normal.
Frankenstein’s Monster is my normal. -- here again there's three my's in a row, but this is extreme fussiness on my part.
He clomps like me, and didn’t know
that all babies aren't born by lightning.
IV. Elementary School
I learn that friends only happen when you stay very still,-- I'd lose 'very' or use another word. It's a weak word. I like the idea of needing to stay still, when contrasted with the predatory imagery of the next stanza. It's very Jurassic Park.
never break a pencil and never go
to the sharpener.
Unobserved, children hunt in packs.
The principal said nothing when I was hit, -- maybe include a break on 'nothing' and make this 4 lines
when my arms were held.
He did tell me that a human bite -- like the contrast of his silence in the previous stanza and him speaking here
is filthier than a dog's after I bit
into Mickey’s forearm and spat -- I like the specific of 'Mickey'
blood on him.
Now they all just walk like me -- do you need 'all'?
when they think I’m not looking.
V. Junior High
In a town too small to have a McDonald's, -- been there, lived that -- good invocation of place
these years are a burning fuse.
The acid of puberty mixed with nothing
to do makes us fight. I never stop
fighting: 138 times and then I quit
counting.
I start getting love letters; -- good use of the much misused semi-colon that's the way girls fight.
VI. High School
There is a cure for me: -- I'd keep the voice consistently conversational, so I'd say "there's a cure"
Saw through the femur, and re-hamstring -- saw doesn't need to be capitalized coming off of a colon
like a guitar—a coin flip of normal or paralyzed.
I miss being able to hit someone. It feels like love.
Kid in a wheelchair tells me how lucky I am.
The freedom of not giving a shit
is like a flower that breaks through the pavement. -- maybe break on 'breaks' and make this 3 lines. I'd go full metaphor on this one and lose the 'like.'
This is one of my favorites on the site, and I'm glad to get the chance to work with it.
Okay Lizzie, I agreed with you about cleaning up the tenses. You also had some really good editorial catches. I made a few other very minor changes of my own. My feeling is that the more consistent tense helps the poem. I'm still debating the arrangement of the final lines (I may go with it or revert to the last arrangement--though really that's pretty minor).
wae aye man ye radgie
