03-23-2017, 04:02 AM
I'm only assembled (It may be your intention, but the word "only" is misleading, because reading further on you suggest that there is more truth to you than meets the eye. How effective can another word be, or how effective can simply saying "I'm assembled" be?)
on the outside (I'm getting the sense that you're enigmatic, or superficial, or are suffering some kind of identity crisis.)
But you want to hear the truth ("But" seems to be an unnecessary word. Maybe, if you're open to expanding your poetic, you can utilize punctuation every now and then to express a change of thought.)
So untie me by (Enjambment used here to pull me into the next line, and I like how you strain this particular spot of the poem.)
the back of my mind (However, I feel like these two lines aren't actually tied together. In this case, I suggest using "from" instead of "by" to better bind the strained relationship of these two lines.)
I just want for you ("For" sucks the energy away. "I just want you" is so direct, so powerful. If you don't like being that direct or simple, maybe you can change the word "for" to something more seductive and alluring.)
to feel better (So far you've said interesting things, and I feel like you gave up on this line. Why is this line so bland?)
To feel lighter (The repetition of "to feel" doesn't feel significant enough to give it emphasis. Maybe you're trying to tell me this "you" person has a problem with feeling. However, I have to stop where I'm reading and go back to the beginning to find out whether you've suggested such a thing. Otherwise, it isn't wise to repeat words aimlessly.)
For eleven months (Eleven sounds important to you. So now I expect this number to be important to me, as the reader.)
I've tried to forget (The language starts becoming bland here. Time to bust out some dictionaries and thesauri. At this point it isn't wise to let your reader drift away. As the subject matter grows heavier, the words should grow heavier with it. Everything about the poem works as one body, one well-oiled machine. People want to feel how heavy this is becoming.)
the marks on your arms (Here you're talking about something new. So I suggested using heavier language. Maybe at this point you can use words that sound like slicing. Images that seep like blood. Be callous to the reader and disturb us with your feelings. Why can't you forget these particular marks? Marks could mean tattoos, birthmarks... Make it apparent that these marks were carved into skin.)
on your legs (I can imagine blood running down quivering thighs, or dried scabs eating the skin away. What do these legs actually looks like?)
across your stomach (At this point, it may be wise to make the stomachs of your audience churn. Make us feel what that scarred stomach made you feel, and use the context you have to make it visceral for us. "The blubber's slander spoke and gurgled/I could taste the heart burn". Do not be afraid to say what you're capable of.)
The first time I saw them
you were standing there
Smiling // welcoming (These three lines invite an opportunity to be deranged. After all that grotesque, scar-ridden imagery, this person is now trying to welcome you with a smile? This poem grows heavier and heavier as it progresses, keeping me attached to it.)
But I still think about you
from time to time
Often at the worst of times (This feels a bit sentimental. "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times." Be careful that you don't allude to something that will fracture and weaken the work you're putting in. The poem is so good up until this point. Now I'm confused because I don't know for certain if you are deliberately alluding to that quote.)
Like last night
I even had a dream
where it felt
just like last year (I invite you, again, to share your nightmare. Make me shiver. Creep into my nerves and shock me with insomniac madness.)
But I wrapped my arms
around you (Or, "my arms are bandages wrapped around your scabs". You're passing up a lot of opportunity, and settling for less. Remember, "Go in fear of abstraction." These lines here have discarded the power you were building on earlier.)
Just like
I never got the chance to (I'm confused here, because I actually don't know what you're saying. Just like what?)
When I woke up
I was too busy remembering
the cigarettes
and the perfume
And the light that moves around you (Here are more opportunities for you to use our senses against us. Cigarettes and perfume- opposing smells. How does the conflict between nice perfume and deathly cigarettes symbolize the conflict of this relationship you're remembering?)
On the day we spent
sitting in the sun
Listening to
Lilith
and Run Forever (That's nice. We've gone from disturbing to lovely. You can make the ride more smooth. I appreciate that you've given us some air with something nice to rest on, but the images are still underappreciated by the poet.)
I just wish that I had the guts (This seems to be alluding back to the scars on the stomach- so yes, I've now envisioned guts spilling out of those scars. Right after you took me on that nice, sunlit date. Thanks.)
to help you
But instead I just
swallowed my youth
with the vomit and the guilt (I love this line because guilt can make you vomit- literally. Maybe you can tighten the relationship and express that you are actually vomiting guilt as if it were a solid object. This, again, alludes to the power you punched into us when you talked about the scars on the stomach. I like that you tied end together this well.)
And I tied myself together ("Tied" , or "stitched"? Or something else entirely? Don't let go of the context. The context is what makes your poem sing. Or, in this case, vomit.)
And for eleven months
I tried not to remember (Eleven, again.)
(So, my overall critique to you: Strengthen your images. Empower your words. Use the context you've created and bring it all together using relative associations. Good work!)
on the outside (I'm getting the sense that you're enigmatic, or superficial, or are suffering some kind of identity crisis.)
But you want to hear the truth ("But" seems to be an unnecessary word. Maybe, if you're open to expanding your poetic, you can utilize punctuation every now and then to express a change of thought.)
So untie me by (Enjambment used here to pull me into the next line, and I like how you strain this particular spot of the poem.)
the back of my mind (However, I feel like these two lines aren't actually tied together. In this case, I suggest using "from" instead of "by" to better bind the strained relationship of these two lines.)
I just want for you ("For" sucks the energy away. "I just want you" is so direct, so powerful. If you don't like being that direct or simple, maybe you can change the word "for" to something more seductive and alluring.)
to feel better (So far you've said interesting things, and I feel like you gave up on this line. Why is this line so bland?)
To feel lighter (The repetition of "to feel" doesn't feel significant enough to give it emphasis. Maybe you're trying to tell me this "you" person has a problem with feeling. However, I have to stop where I'm reading and go back to the beginning to find out whether you've suggested such a thing. Otherwise, it isn't wise to repeat words aimlessly.)
For eleven months (Eleven sounds important to you. So now I expect this number to be important to me, as the reader.)
I've tried to forget (The language starts becoming bland here. Time to bust out some dictionaries and thesauri. At this point it isn't wise to let your reader drift away. As the subject matter grows heavier, the words should grow heavier with it. Everything about the poem works as one body, one well-oiled machine. People want to feel how heavy this is becoming.)
the marks on your arms (Here you're talking about something new. So I suggested using heavier language. Maybe at this point you can use words that sound like slicing. Images that seep like blood. Be callous to the reader and disturb us with your feelings. Why can't you forget these particular marks? Marks could mean tattoos, birthmarks... Make it apparent that these marks were carved into skin.)
on your legs (I can imagine blood running down quivering thighs, or dried scabs eating the skin away. What do these legs actually looks like?)
across your stomach (At this point, it may be wise to make the stomachs of your audience churn. Make us feel what that scarred stomach made you feel, and use the context you have to make it visceral for us. "The blubber's slander spoke and gurgled/I could taste the heart burn". Do not be afraid to say what you're capable of.)
The first time I saw them
you were standing there
Smiling // welcoming (These three lines invite an opportunity to be deranged. After all that grotesque, scar-ridden imagery, this person is now trying to welcome you with a smile? This poem grows heavier and heavier as it progresses, keeping me attached to it.)
But I still think about you
from time to time
Often at the worst of times (This feels a bit sentimental. "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times." Be careful that you don't allude to something that will fracture and weaken the work you're putting in. The poem is so good up until this point. Now I'm confused because I don't know for certain if you are deliberately alluding to that quote.)
Like last night
I even had a dream
where it felt
just like last year (I invite you, again, to share your nightmare. Make me shiver. Creep into my nerves and shock me with insomniac madness.)
But I wrapped my arms
around you (Or, "my arms are bandages wrapped around your scabs". You're passing up a lot of opportunity, and settling for less. Remember, "Go in fear of abstraction." These lines here have discarded the power you were building on earlier.)
Just like
I never got the chance to (I'm confused here, because I actually don't know what you're saying. Just like what?)
When I woke up
I was too busy remembering
the cigarettes
and the perfume
And the light that moves around you (Here are more opportunities for you to use our senses against us. Cigarettes and perfume- opposing smells. How does the conflict between nice perfume and deathly cigarettes symbolize the conflict of this relationship you're remembering?)
On the day we spent
sitting in the sun
Listening to
Lilith
and Run Forever (That's nice. We've gone from disturbing to lovely. You can make the ride more smooth. I appreciate that you've given us some air with something nice to rest on, but the images are still underappreciated by the poet.)
I just wish that I had the guts (This seems to be alluding back to the scars on the stomach- so yes, I've now envisioned guts spilling out of those scars. Right after you took me on that nice, sunlit date. Thanks.)
to help you
But instead I just
swallowed my youth
with the vomit and the guilt (I love this line because guilt can make you vomit- literally. Maybe you can tighten the relationship and express that you are actually vomiting guilt as if it were a solid object. This, again, alludes to the power you punched into us when you talked about the scars on the stomach. I like that you tied end together this well.)
And I tied myself together ("Tied" , or "stitched"? Or something else entirely? Don't let go of the context. The context is what makes your poem sing. Or, in this case, vomit.)
And for eleven months
I tried not to remember (Eleven, again.)
(So, my overall critique to you: Strengthen your images. Empower your words. Use the context you've created and bring it all together using relative associations. Good work!)