03-14-2017, 03:02 AM
Hi Fox Womb,
Let me give you some comments to consider.
Best,
Todd
Let me give you some comments to consider.
(03-13-2017, 03:52 PM)Fox Womb Wrote: "Their eyes don't seem as friendlyWell, I hope the comments helped some.
Their smiles invisible
I can't reach out to you like I did before"--I have a friend that draws a lot of inspiration from song lyrics he's taken albums and written a poem from each song (not that the connections are always obvious). So, there's a place for that. While there's nothing wrong with using an epigram or quote to lead off a poem, or even bracket it as you've done here. You have to decide two things: does the quote outwrite your poem? (I think your fine here) Second does it add anything or was it simply the inspiration that got me writing? I'm not sure either of these quotes add anything and you can probably cut them. This is less a flaw though and more an opinion on my part.
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I'm only assembled--Your first line needs to pull us in. So consider what would be your most provocative opening. I think this line break after assembled isn't helping you. You may want to pull up the second line to end the first: "I'm only assembled on the outside" Now, that's an interesting opening.
on the outside
But you want to hear the truth--This is a nice follow-up because it implies the speaker is lying about their condition. As if they feel hollow or intrinsically empty but that it's a cover somehow.
So untie me by--Again think of each line as a unit for the poem. Breaking on by doesn't do much. Unless the break builds drama or layers additional meanings, it is usually better to break on concrete nouns or verbs or ideas that push your theme. Let's consider the full meaning without the breaks: "So untie me by the back of my mind." This reads a bit awkwardly to my ear. You may want to cut "me by". It is an interesting idea and I'm still with you .
Side note: You don't tend to use punctuation but you are capitalizing so I'm not having much issue interpreting where you're going. Some might have issues with it though.
the back of my mind
I just want for you--just is often though not always a throw away word. You can often cut it without issue.
to feel better
To feel lighter--This is not an interesting conclusion to the untying of the mind. This feel better/feel lighter idea reads a bit too abstract. I am not suggesting this as a rewrite just trying to illustrate what I'm saying, here is a place you could insert imagery. What if for instance this person untied the back of your mind removed the string tied it to their wrist, and were carried away by what came out as if your experiences were balloons--or some such. I'm not saying go there. I am saying think of a way you can use an image to make someone feel better feel lighter. Though when you think about it thematically it is the very fact that the mind was closed that they were supposed to feel lighter. So perhaps the image should be them putting something down to grasp the string. Just reasoning this out some.
For eleven months--Again why is it important to break on months. I won't keep doing this I think you get the point.
I've tried to forget--[b]You're missing an opportunity here to extend your metaphor. So when we last left our speaker, they were having their mind untied. Or put another way their partner no longer believed the mask they wore. They wanted to know what they really thought and this was a point of conflict for the speaker. At this point, you either need to have the contents of the mind spill out or you need to show why they are stubbornly refusing access (for instance, "Are the knots too tight/for eleven months I've tried to forget...")[/b]
the marks on your arms
on your legs
across your stomach--These breaks work well for me. I like the emphasize on each scarred body part. I get the sense this is cutter self-inflicted wounds.
The first time I saw them
you were standing there
Smiling // welcoming--These two lines standing, smiling, welcoming seem too static. Commit to something here. It reads to flat. I'm not sure what // is supposed to convey.
But I still think about you
from time to time--you could probably cut this line. I want you to notice that you've used two strophes where very little has happened. Poems need less meandering.
Often at the worst of times
Like last night
I even had a dream
where it felt
just like last year--Notice the number of "likes" here. Also telling us it felt like last year is too abstract. You can keep the phrasing but add something to give us an idea of what you mean, direct us a bit. (for instance: it felt like last year, all chocolate, sunsets and disappointment). I don't know something for us to conncect to.
But I wrapped my arms
around you
Just like
I never got the chance to--A lot you could condense here. Dreams allow you to add imagery which we can draw inferences from. Another possible idea for you to consider. Don't tell us about the dream show us the dream. I've added some possible cuts above for you to consider.
When I woke up
I was too busy remembering
the cigarettes
and the perfume
And the light that moves around you--I like this sequence. Cigarettes, perfume, and light give us something to hold onto.
On the day we spent--Cutting On would probably smooth this out a bit
sitting in the sun
Listening to
Lilith
and Run Forever
I just wish that I had the guts
to help you
But instead I just
swallowed my youth--I like this line
with the vomit and the guilt--and this
And I tied myself together
And for eleven months
I tried not to remember--You do a good job referencing the start of the poem. You could probably cut the I in this line.
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"Enclosed now
Isolated in a place that holds me back
When I reach out to you I know I seem cold
But it's hard to break
Hard to find another way
Nothing's changed"
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"Reach Out To You" by Adventures
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Best,
Todd
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson
