Rewind (Revision)

[Todd]

I remember loving this and still do. Some notes below.

The chair rises from the floor Strong opening, I know something odd is happening here.
and you lower yourself
to sit down again, 
a ripple returning
to the pond’s surface.
While L4/5 are lovely and a strong, interesting image, for me they break up the scene, the image and sequence being built/unbuilt in the poem. If you want to use them maybe you can open with them, but ripple/pond holds a tinge of cliche.
Black smudges of mascara
race backward up your cheeks great film going in my brain
to settle around shining eyes—now dry. I think the dry is implied, if you need it maybe before eyes. I don't think you need to stress it because I've already watched the tears that streak her mascara roll back up and disappear.
With your fork, you remove 
food from your mouth, and like an artist You may not need the commas in these two lines.
reconstruct the unchewed almond-crusted salmon Strong image to rewind.
with garlic crisp potatoes. I unclear
my throat so I cannot say,
“We need to talk.” I'm a great fan of these last lines, so painful and so impossible to rewind, better chance of unchewing salmon.

~~


Slight revisions from a NaPM thread

Hope this helps.

It does help thanks. I don't necessarily need the ripple but I feel I need something there to slow down the pacing otherwise it feels too fast to me--too linear. I would love to cut those commas but I keep thinking I need them from a grammar standpoint--though maybe simply shifting the sentence around will make me arrive at a more satisfying configuration. I also like the idea of cutting the dry part. Let me give it some thought.

Appreciate the critique.

Best,

Todd