(rape) Phnom Penh

[ellajam]

Hi, Flos, I found it coherent and interesting.There are a few bumps in the meter for me which I'll point out below. I enjoyed your use of rhyme, it added to the piece without being oppressive. I need to spend more time
with the poem to comment more but I wanted to start while I'm here. I also think you may want to consider a move to Mild Critique for more detailed comments, it seems like you put a lot of work into this.

(I was trying to achieve a narrator with a wandering, frazzled mind in this poem, but I fear it might have made it come across as incohesive and disorganized. Any advice to help with this particular issue [or any of course] is greatly appreciated.)

Phnom Penh

If I could know your sprawling city streets
just as I know those in this very town
(and that is thoroughly, I do attest) L2/3 seem to have some filler words you could replace with something more meaningful: very, I do attest.
then maybe once again we two could meet
just as we did when time bossed us around
but childhood kept us in its own warm nest— These lines are lovely.

We've flown since then I fear: unfurled our wings
still damp with sticky yolk and spread them out Strong, interesting image.
uncertain of where wandering winds would lead Not a fan of wandering winds.
and you have built a sturdy home with things
which give you no excuse to stop and doubt
aesthetic matters which serve no great need— Strong three lines but a meter bump with matters which, for me.

My dear, my house lies in fair shambles now
for I have fashioned it with foolish hope
that beauty would suffice to keep its shape: 
If only I could silently lie down
and sleep under your own roof I could cope
but as it stands these wounds will stay agape—

These city streets are closing in tonight
and now I doubt that I have ever known
them with the confidence that I have claimed
for when I try to picture them alight
with the same sunbeams that cover your own
I cannot see: they stay dark all the same.

Being in Basic, this may be too detailed so I stopped there, lovely piece.