Autumn

[Wonderfullife]

This is my first poem, and only the six I've ever written. I think poetry is a great way to put into words many of the thoughts, feelings and emotions I experience. Just writing them down, in an article, is not for me.

You love to walk in the forest,
The autumn forest.
To see the place ablaze
Filled with an autumn haze.
You know this is no show
That soon there will be snow.
And all this will with white be covered
Just like my old mother’s cupboard,
You love to spend your time a-gazing.
At each one of all the amazing,
Trees in autumn colours blazing
Turning the place into an amazing
show that leaves you dazzled
Hearing the birds razzled
Seeing the leaves falling.
Hearing the owl’s calling
You love to see the autumn sun
To know the summer heat is done.
To sense the fragrant delight
Of an autumn twilight.
But now the sun is gone
Shimmering stars shine bright
So now goodnight
Dream of autumn delights.

[ellajam]

Hi, welcome to the workshops. I have a few suggestions for you to consider.

First, opening with "you" and then not developing who "you" is weakens the poem. Is it the reader, a friend, a parent, or is the narrator speaking of him/herself?

For me, Autumn is repeated too many times, in fact, with it as the title you probably don't need to mention it again.

And all this will with white be covered
Just like my old mother’s cupboard,

While I enjoy the rhyme of covered and cupboard, the first line is badly inverted, twisted for the rhyme, and the whole thing makes no sense to me. Mother's cupboard is covered in white? Huh?

In the lines starting with "At each one" the punctuation is off, take another look at it.

And finally, capitalizing the first letter of each line is not required, in fact out of style. If you feel it adds something to the poem that's fine but many poems, and probably this one, read more smoothly when upper case is limited to the start of sentences.

I hope these comments help somewhat, enjoy the journey.

This is my first poem, and only the six I've ever written. I think poetry is a great way to put into words many of the thoughts, feelings and emotions I experience. Just writing them down, in an article, is not for me.

You love to walk in the forest,
The autumn forest.
To see the place ablaze
Filled with an autumn haze.
You know this is no show
That soon there will be snow.
And all this will with white be covered
Just like my old mother’s cupboard,
You love to spend your time a-gazing.
At each one of all the amazing,
Trees in autumn colours blazing
Turning the place into an amazing
show that leaves you dazzled
Hearing the birds razzled
Seeing the leaves falling.
Hearing the owl’s calling
You love to see the autumn sun
To know the summer heat is done.
To sense the fragrant delight
Of an autumn twilight.
But now the sun is gone
Shimmering stars shine bright
So now goodnight
Dream of autumn delights.

[Scribner1]

I agree the opening with you could be different. I'm not an expert on critique, but I can float away in my mind and walk through the forest, details are limitless. I enjoyed this

[Wonderfullife]

Thanks for your comments and suggestions. I don't know if i am any good at it, but I do enjoy writing poetry.

[kylede87]

I love the theme of your poem, you paint a great picture. I do agree that the 'cupboard, covered rhyming scheme doesn't really work. Some of the rhyming sounds a bit forced too, like the "You know this is no show, that soon there will be snow" line as an example. Other than that, I think with some practice you will be just fine.

[bestoweroflight]

This is a beautiful first foray into painting a picture in our imaginations with words. Some advice i could give you is that as you write the lines, dont assume your poetry needs to rhyme in order for it to flow naturally. I don't blame you for this to be honest, I remember at primary school when they taught poetry, they always just get kids to start creating rhymes. From my own experiences in writing poetry, I think its best to first see if rhyming in necessary to the theme of the poem, and then use a database for rhyming words such as rhymezone.com to find words that rhyme with the core lines of your poem. I found myself to think more creatively when i had an exhaustive list of words to select from that rhyme with the previous words. But all in all, I think its a great start and I for one look forward to seeing you hone your skills as a poet with experience.


Ya Hagh

Bestoweroflight

[Wonderfullife]

Thank you for your encouraging feedback and useful suggestions. I often thought about putting into words my experiences while working, and living, abroad.
Poetry seems a more meaningful way to do this than to write factual travel articles.

[JaredEggo]

Wonderful work! A great job of painting a very vivid picture. Just a few suggestions, trying to not be overly repetitive.

This is my first poem, and only the six I've ever written. I think poetry is a great way to put into words many of the thoughts, feelings and emotions I experience. Just writing them down, in an article, is not for me.

You love to walk in the forest,
The autumn forest.     This line feels like a repeat of the first.
To see the place ablaze
Filled with an autumn haze.
You know this is no show
That soon there will be snow.     Maybe a bit of a forced rhyme. Also perhaps a comma instead of a period.
And all this will with white be covered
Just like my old mother’s cupboard,
You love to spend your time a-gazing.
At each one of all the amazing,     Maybe take out "each one"
Trees in autumn colours blazing     I would suggest changing "in Autumn" to "with".
Turning the place into an amazing
show that leaves you dazzled
Hearing the birds razzled
Seeing the leaves falling.
Hearing the owl’s calling
You love to see the autumn sun
To know the summer heat is done.
To sense the fragrant delight
Of an autumn twilight.
But now the sun is gone     This line feels a bit out of place. The poem rhymes except for this line.
Shimmering stars shine bright
So now goodnight
Dream of autumn delights.

[Wonderfullife]

Thanks for your contributions and encouraging remarks. Your ideas and suggestions have certainly got me thinking in different directions. I think poetry is a great way to tap into the imagination and it's much better than just writing a 'cold' description of the forest, in autumn.

[Lizzie]

Hi Wonderfullife! Welcome to the site, and I'm glad to see that you've decided to give poetry a chance! It's hard work, but it's worth the effort to learn!

A couple of comments for you.

This is my first poem, and only the six I've ever written. I think poetry is a great way to put into words many of the thoughts, feelings and emotions I experience. Just writing them down, in an article, is not for me.

You love to walk in the forest,
The autumn forest. -- This line just isn't necessary because you could say autumn forest in the first line easily. Maybe construct a different line here with something else to rhyme with forest.
To see the place ablaze
Filled with an autumn haze.
You know this is no show
That soon there will be snow.
And all this will with white be covered -- as others have mentioned, this line reads awkwardly because of the delay of 'be' for the sake of the rhyme. Best to choose another rhyming words or think of another way to phrase.
Just like my old mother’s cupboard,
You love to spend your time a-gazing. -- don't like a-gazing. Nobody speaks that way, so I find it hard to take seriously.
At each one of all the amazing,
Trees in autumn colours blazing
Turning the place into an amazing -- I don't love the double amazing, especially there are so many other things that you could rhyme here.
show that leaves you dazzled
Hearing the birds razzled
Seeing the leaves falling.
Hearing the owl’s calling
You love to see the autumn sun -- wondering who 'you' is
To know the summer heat is done.
To sense the fragrant delight
Of an autumn twilight.
But now the sun is gone -- 'gone' doesn't work well because it's not a perfect rhyme with done, and all of your other rhymes are perfect or exact.
Shimmering stars shine bright
So now goodnight
Dream of autumn delights.

Hope this helps some!

Cheers,

Lizzie

[AttnAttack]

I'll echo what previous posters said about the mother's cupboard part, but add a little advice since I know its personal:

If you intend to bring in a part of the speakers life into the poem, you need to do better than just one refrain; add more complexity to the poem and tell us more about the speaker through comparisons to autumn, especially of color. As for right now, though, take it out. The current incarnation of the poem seems more inclined towards imagery and observation than of retrospection.

That being said, the rest of the poem doesn't suffer from the same "forced" impression the cupboard line gives, and flows quite nicely, although the word choices in rhyme seem a bit sophomoric.

[tommyb]

First, opening with "you" and then not developing who "you" is weakens the poem. Is it the reader, a friend, a parent, or is the narrator speaking of him/herself? 

I would love to see a return to "you", whoever that is, in the final few lines of the poem. It might be nice to introduce the character, then withdraw into the imagery, then bring them back again when they are almost forgotten.

Keep up the good work.

[Richard]

Hello Wonderfullife,
This is my first time giving feedback like this for a poem online, so it is fitting that you noted this is your first poem. First of all, I am going to go against the grain here and say that I liked the image of the mother's cupboard being compared to the first snow. I actually think you should write a whole poem just about that image.

Secondly, when it comes to rhyming, it's usually best to use longer lines. The reason for this is that shorter rhyming lines are often associated with nursery rhymes and humorous poems. I think you're going for a serious tone in your poem, so longer lines would help you communicate that better. As well, I think almost every poet goes through a time when they feel they need to rhyme, so if you are committed to rhyming, keep at it and think about using a rhyming dictionary. I know they have often helped me when writing in rhyming verse.

Overall, I see a lot potential in your poem, and it actually reminds me of my own poetry from about fifteen years ago. I look forward to reading more of your poetry in the future.

Keep on writing,
Richard

[Elizazile]

I like the imagery you are creating here! I do feel like some of the rhyming feels forced (as in the 'cupboard' line but also kind of throughout, such as the 'you know this is no show' line which felt weak to me/did not contribute to the sentiment of the poem but seemed to be there merely to set up a rhyme).  I think some of these instances are actually a bit distracting and detract rather than add. I guess I would suggest going back through the poem and seeing which individual lines do and don't contribute to the message, being willing to take lines our or replace them with ones that paint the image you want to paint, while being willing to lose some of the rhymes.

This is my first poem, and only the six I've ever written. I think poetry is a great way to put into words many of the thoughts, feelings and emotions I experience. Just writing them down, in an article, is not for me.

You love to walk in the forest,
The autumn forest.
To see the place ablaze
Filled with an autumn haze.
You know this is no show
That soon there will be snow.
And all this will with white be covered
Just like my old mother’s cupboard,
You love to spend your time a-gazing.
At each one of all the amazing,
Trees in autumn colours blazing
Turning the place into an amazing
show that leaves you dazzled
Hearing the birds razzled
Seeing the leaves falling.
Hearing the owl’s calling
You love to see the autumn sun
To know the summer heat is done.
To sense the fragrant delight
Of an autumn twilight.
But now the sun is gone
Shimmering stars shine bright
So now goodnight
Dream of autumn delights.