03-02-2017, 11:59 AM
Your vocabulary and imagery is really good, but I think you need to vary your pacing. Most of the lines all had 10 syllables in them, with some 9's and 11's thrown in there randomly, and you didn't use many commas or tools to create breathing room for the reader.
This is just something I threw together to explain to you what I mean
Ex. If I could know your sprawling city streets
as I know my own towns
Excuse me;
I know mine thoroughly, don't claim otherwise!
I digress,
Basically, just try to think about the space you put between each thought, and the images you want to have a harder punch and the one's that you want to be more subtle.
This is just something I threw together to explain to you what I mean
Ex. If I could know your sprawling city streets
as I know my own towns
Excuse me;
I know mine thoroughly, don't claim otherwise!
I digress,
Basically, just try to think about the space you put between each thought, and the images you want to have a harder punch and the one's that you want to be more subtle.