02-25-2017, 08:35 AM
I think the effect of the poem might be improved if you do not explicitly mention the word "music" in line 2. The subject is implied well enough in line 1 and throughout the poem that using the word itself becomes unnecessary and disrupts the imagery-focused tone of the rest of the poem. Beside, the impact of finally introducing the speaker's instrument and metronome in the last line would be much stronger if it is the first explicit, physical mention of music and related objects. Also, as others have mentioned, taking time to tighten up the rhythm of a few lines (line 4 and the final line stand out the most to me) will greatly help the aesthetics of the poem.
Overall, though, I really enjoyed the poem, especially as a musician myself. I really like your creative use of sentence structure (e.g. line 1) and, of course, the wonderful emotional impact of the poem as a whole.
Overall, though, I really enjoyed the poem, especially as a musician myself. I really like your creative use of sentence structure (e.g. line 1) and, of course, the wonderful emotional impact of the poem as a whole.