02-16-2017, 08:09 PM
This poem provides an interesting lesson to all poets: Once you create a pattern in a poem, you have to stick with it, and the pattern should unfold logically from one stanza to the next.
I admit that I don't understand what you are getting at with the images in the third stanza:
stare at the stars
envy the birds,
a baby, the dead;
feel the unseen
from stories you’ve read
It seems to me that you are trying to outline "who" you are spiritually or emotionally, but you used "who" in the second stanza, and there's the problem. Indeed, it seems to me that "who" is the word you want in all three stanzas. Right now you have this:
medically
just how you are.
forensically
just who you are.
empirically
just what you are.
So you have locked yourself into:
how/who/what
medically/forensically/[third option]
Instead of that, why not use "who" in all stanzas and end them like this:
just who you are
medically.
just who you are
forensically.
just who you are
empircally. [or another option]
or like this:
medically
just who you are.
forensically
just who you are.
empirically [or another option]
just who you are.
Like Lizzie, I don't like "empirically" -- but if you use "who" in each stanza, then you have more options, such as emotionally, spiritually, mentally, etc. The word "what" is tying you down.
There is a third potential problem with the poem: Does "empirically" (or emotionally or spiritually) logically follow "medically" and "forensically"? Why are forensics important? I think you need to figure out the logic of the progression -- i.e., what you are really trying to say. "Medically" and "forensically" both mean "physically" -- i.e., "medically" is the same as "physically for purposes of health" and "forensically" is the same as "physically for purposes of identity". So what follows "physically"? I think that either "emotionally" or "spiritually", and of those two concepts, "spiritually" is the most poetic. So:
medically
who
forensically
who
spiritually
who
is the logical progression for me.
I think the poem will work best if you use images in the third stanza that will appeal to the broadest number of people. I don't understand some of them, and I'm not sure of what you are trying to get at in that stanza.
I'm sorry for meandering, but I was trying to analyze the poem in detail.
I admit that I don't understand what you are getting at with the images in the third stanza:
stare at the stars
envy the birds,
a baby, the dead;
feel the unseen
from stories you’ve read
It seems to me that you are trying to outline "who" you are spiritually or emotionally, but you used "who" in the second stanza, and there's the problem. Indeed, it seems to me that "who" is the word you want in all three stanzas. Right now you have this:
medically
just how you are.
forensically
just who you are.
empirically
just what you are.
So you have locked yourself into:
how/who/what
medically/forensically/[third option]
Instead of that, why not use "who" in all stanzas and end them like this:
just who you are
medically.
just who you are
forensically.
just who you are
empircally. [or another option]
or like this:
medically
just who you are.
forensically
just who you are.
empirically [or another option]
just who you are.
Like Lizzie, I don't like "empirically" -- but if you use "who" in each stanza, then you have more options, such as emotionally, spiritually, mentally, etc. The word "what" is tying you down.
There is a third potential problem with the poem: Does "empirically" (or emotionally or spiritually) logically follow "medically" and "forensically"? Why are forensics important? I think you need to figure out the logic of the progression -- i.e., what you are really trying to say. "Medically" and "forensically" both mean "physically" -- i.e., "medically" is the same as "physically for purposes of health" and "forensically" is the same as "physically for purposes of identity". So what follows "physically"? I think that either "emotionally" or "spiritually", and of those two concepts, "spiritually" is the most poetic. So:
medically
who
forensically
who
spiritually
who
is the logical progression for me.
I think the poem will work best if you use images in the third stanza that will appeal to the broadest number of people. I don't understand some of them, and I'm not sure of what you are trying to get at in that stanza.
I'm sorry for meandering, but I was trying to analyze the poem in detail.