Precision - Edit2

[QDeathstar]

Precision


Piss in a bottle
shit in a jar
bleed in a vial
have your gut scanned ~
all to find out
medically
just how you are.

Answer the phone
say the word “yes”
leave fingerprints,
mucus, saliva,
semen or hair ~
then all will know
forensically
just who you are.

Call the heat warm
stare at the stars
envy the birds,
a baby, the dead;
see and believe
what you have read ~
then you shall know
humanistically
just what you are.

Written after the annual physical, and reading that criminal elements are now making calls whose sole purpose is to get the unwary mark to say the word "yes" so it can be spliced in after an unrelated phrase such as, "You agree to pay $500 a month for this service?"

Hi. For me, this poem is very off putting. Its seems like it should be building to something, a wave of emotion, it shouts "i am profound", but i just feel like it falls kinda flat.

The poem took the most obvious way of getting to the writers intent that it feels kinda just spat out.

I don't think the "shall" helps either. It comes off sounding trying to hard to be profound. Humanistically feels clumsy. Spiritually probably works just as well. Medically who i am doesn't make a whole lot of sense. It should be health. So it's kinda of awkward again.... And i can't help but wonder the importance of me, forensically. My genetics or my heritigage.. but the forensic word choice is again, awkward for me.

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Maybe the second person view is what hurts this poem. first person might be better. e.g.,

my heart rate tells them who i am medically
my saliva tells them who i am forensically
but my reaction to death let's them know i'm human.