01-16-2017, 03:29 AM
Yo TimeOut,
This piece seems a little forced, you may have opinions of Trump, or you want to portray a popular opinion of Trump, but to be honest I had no idea this was even about him until i read the comments. Maybe try to be a bit more straightforward and a little less metaphorical. You also stated your use of rhyme is due to writing raps. I can definitely feel for you here, the rhymes here are pretty weak but if spaced apart a bit more i feel some might have more impact. Maybe try slant rhymes, consonace and alliteration if your writing style stems from rap too. Maybe try everything besides perfect rhymes themselves,as ive heard theyre pretty hard to pull off.
Thanks for the read,
mike
This piece seems a little forced, you may have opinions of Trump, or you want to portray a popular opinion of Trump, but to be honest I had no idea this was even about him until i read the comments. Maybe try to be a bit more straightforward and a little less metaphorical. You also stated your use of rhyme is due to writing raps. I can definitely feel for you here, the rhymes here are pretty weak but if spaced apart a bit more i feel some might have more impact. Maybe try slant rhymes, consonace and alliteration if your writing style stems from rap too. Maybe try everything besides perfect rhymes themselves,as ive heard theyre pretty hard to pull off.
Thanks for the read,
mike
(01-12-2017, 06:54 PM)TimeOut Wrote: Truancy is a
huge nuance
You see today
world power
is calculated
in Twitter hours
Fake to you
is news to me
A mistake is
an Easy-Bake recipe
nuked to perfection
The burnt confections
once savored in
founding fathers'
bulleted collections
Popular doesn't mean
you're familiar
with poplar trees'
uprooted, colluded fruit
The apricot face
is a new race
in diplomacy
@LittleBoPeep
Shame 'bout those sheep
...WEAK!
Crit away