01-14-2017, 09:49 AM
Threats
Staring at their faces
I know it better be good
They don't always work
Even though they should
Something to scare 5
Something to astound
Something that shows I'm not messing around
Timeout is soft
Naptime is weak
It's gotta be something that doesn't sound meek 10
I want them to know
I'm nobody's stooge
The threat should be epic, unforgettable, huge
The Earth will tremble 15
The mountains will rock
Is a year without food, too much
to pick up a sock?
I like the premise of the poem. Too many poets pen "sad" and/or "dark" poems (or "angry" ones if you're into slam poetry). So it's refreshing to read one that's humorous.
The plain style, parallel syntax, and rhyme scheme make it sound like a children's book —which fits well! However, some of the language comes off as too plain with words like good, soft, and weak. Try finding different, more interesting words to replace them. If not, vary sentence structures a bit if you're adamant about keeping the words... which brings us to the parallel syntax.
While the parallel syntax is appropriate, I would hold off on it in the beginning. Repetition is meant to increase tension, but this can't happen if it's too prevalent. It becomes monotonous —not tense.
You could also stray from the rhyme scheme a little to surprise the reader. For example, ABABA and CDCD could be followed by EFEG. (Dickinson was notorious for doing this!) Either way, I say explore your options and continue to have fun with it.
First and foremost, you can improve the reader experience by using punctuation throughout the stanza - I've always believed that poetry is meant to be heard, and the best way for an author to help the reader 'listen' is through creating pauses & stops where you would pause or stop if you were to read aloud.
Sort of. Punctuation isn't required in order slow down or create pauses in a poem. This can be done strictly through lineation and even syntax. It depends on what the poem is doing and who the poet is. I mentioned Dickinson earlier, and she's a great example of why omitting/decreasing punctuation can yield interesting effects. "Much Madness is Divinest Sense" puts her infamous dashes to good use by having them blur the relationship between some of the lines. A similar result could be done by leaving out punctuation all together.
Of course, punctuation can create just as interesting effects. I just wanted him to know that it isn't always necessary.
Staring at their faces
I know it better be good
They don't always work
Even though they should
Something to scare 5
Something to astound
Something that shows I'm not messing around
Timeout is soft
Naptime is weak
It's gotta be something that doesn't sound meek 10
I want them to know
I'm nobody's stooge
The threat should be epic, unforgettable, huge
The Earth will tremble 15
The mountains will rock
Is a year without food, too much
to pick up a sock?
I like the premise of the poem. Too many poets pen "sad" and/or "dark" poems (or "angry" ones if you're into slam poetry). So it's refreshing to read one that's humorous.
The plain style, parallel syntax, and rhyme scheme make it sound like a children's book —which fits well! However, some of the language comes off as too plain with words like good, soft, and weak. Try finding different, more interesting words to replace them. If not, vary sentence structures a bit if you're adamant about keeping the words... which brings us to the parallel syntax.
While the parallel syntax is appropriate, I would hold off on it in the beginning. Repetition is meant to increase tension, but this can't happen if it's too prevalent. It becomes monotonous —not tense.
You could also stray from the rhyme scheme a little to surprise the reader. For example, ABABA and CDCD could be followed by EFEG. (Dickinson was notorious for doing this!) Either way, I say explore your options and continue to have fun with it.
(01-13-2017, 01:22 PM)jrgxng Wrote:
First and foremost, you can improve the reader experience by using punctuation throughout the stanza - I've always believed that poetry is meant to be heard, and the best way for an author to help the reader 'listen' is through creating pauses & stops where you would pause or stop if you were to read aloud.
Sort of. Punctuation isn't required in order slow down or create pauses in a poem. This can be done strictly through lineation and even syntax. It depends on what the poem is doing and who the poet is. I mentioned Dickinson earlier, and she's a great example of why omitting/decreasing punctuation can yield interesting effects. "Much Madness is Divinest Sense" puts her infamous dashes to good use by having them blur the relationship between some of the lines. A similar result could be done by leaving out punctuation all together.
Of course, punctuation can create just as interesting effects. I just wanted him to know that it isn't always necessary.
“Nature is a haunted house—but Art—is a house that tries to be haunted.” - Emily Dickinson