01-14-2017, 03:36 AM
River, a couple (more) things:
It would read smoother if you took the reader for the whole ride. You start us off at splayed out vagina, which is more gynecologist's office than bedroom sexy (the sudden jolt of it, that is.) A little more in the way of foreplay, I should think.
Also, "splayed labia" would be better than vagina, because you mean to describe the external genitalia, I presume. If you are talking about the vaginal canal proper, than maybe something like stretched, because it would only be splayed out in extemis.
Still, I think you have an interesting piece on your hands.
Workshop? Hint, hint.
It would read smoother if you took the reader for the whole ride. You start us off at splayed out vagina, which is more gynecologist's office than bedroom sexy (the sudden jolt of it, that is.) A little more in the way of foreplay, I should think.
Also, "splayed labia" would be better than vagina, because you mean to describe the external genitalia, I presume. If you are talking about the vaginal canal proper, than maybe something like stretched, because it would only be splayed out in extemis.
Still, I think you have an interesting piece on your hands.
Workshop? Hint, hint.