01-13-2017, 01:33 PM
Your edit is a clear improvement in language from the original - great to see that kind of instant improvement. However, as we often see with 'novice' poetry, you've sacrificed some of the meaning in your first iteration for a cleaner, more eloquent feel in the second. This is apparent in the second half of your poem, where the majority of the sentiment surrounding the romantic experience has been cut out, eg. 'tell me you feel the same way as I do', 'but sometimes dreams are only dreams', and etcetera. Be sure when you're revising a poem that the message you intended to express when you initially approached it is still maintained in your revision, and furthermore, be sure that you establish a message and topic before you even begin writing. All of this said, the contrast between your first and second versions of this poem is impressive!