Misfit Tears Edit #1

[ellajam]

Wonderful edit, some notes:

L2:
I think you've lost something by losing "one with myself", "one" does not mean the same thing. I'd love to see you find a strong word here that says what you mean.

L3:
I like to see "soul cries" disappear in favor of something more unique and sonically pleasing.

L4:
"slip not" is an unnecessary inversion, I suggest changing it. But I'm confused, tears don't normally come through fingers and I can't figure out what finger slits are. Maybe others will get it or you could clarify.

L5:
Not a fan of "for", it stilts the passionate feel of the poem.

L6:
Devest is an interesting choice, I like it a lot but from what I can find it doesn't need the hyphen and I don't need the vest image.

I believe the last four lines are one sentence.

I hope that's not too much, good work being done here.

Edit #1

I travel down a lonesome road
and call it being one.
Though my soul cries misfit tears,
they slip not through my finger slits,
but on your tongue.
Kiss me desperately
for I cannot stay long.
De-vest me, undress me.
I'll fall down gladly
with hopes to land somewhere beautiful.
Then tuck my heart back under my clothes
and keep walking.


Original:

I travel down a lonesome road
and call it being one with myself.
I let you in.  I let you see my soul.
Cried misfit tears on your pillow
and you still had me.
I'd fall down gladly
with hopes that I will land somewhere beautiful.
And here I am again.
Getting lost in daytime reveries.
Kiss me desperately.
Tell me you feel the same way I do.
Look into my eyes and undress me.
But sometimes dreams are only dreams.
Nothing more.
So I'll pick my heart up off the floor
and keep walking.