01-10-2017, 06:40 AM
I can feel the hope and heartbreak in this poem, which means its on the right track. The emotion is there. But I agree you should try cutting a lot of the pronouns, and possibly condensing it a bit more. For instance, "I let you into my soul" might be stronger and more succinct than "I let you in. I let you see my soul" (or maybe there's something more provocative/razor sharp about "holding/feeling your soul"? maybe). It also removes one of the cliches, which I think might be pulling your poem away from its emotional strengths. More precise imagery vs. some of the cliches could make this very strong.