01-03-2017, 06:05 AM
Winds of Anger
The hot winds of anger
blow across the frigid landscape.
Leaving only a desert
where flowers once grew.
Gone are the mighty oaks. 5
Gone are the gentle lilies.
Gone, the song birds
and the soaring eagles.
Deserted oasis;
poisoned waters; 10
parched bones
of the errant nomads.
Shimmers of promise,
mirages of hope,
proven elusive
on the arid horizon. 15
Travelers beware.
Drink not too deeply.
What seems sweet to the tongue
may sour in the belly.
A few things. I won't say your poem lacks authenticity—because it doesn't. However, I will say it lacks personality, which is a deeper level of authenticity. Using heat to symbolize anger is so prevalent that it's in our everyday speech with words like "fiery" and "heated." Desert imagery suffers a similar fate when referencing absence or desolation.
How can you articulate this feeling in a way that's personal and revealing?
With that being said... the anaphora and parallel syntax in stanza 2 is well placed, setting the poem in motion with its tensive energy. The fragmented list in the next stanza is refreshing too. Generally, I would say the poem's structure is solid. My only suggestion is to break up the lines more. Most, if not all, of them are end-stopped, which makes the poem predictable.
Articulation of feeling & thought is critical for poetry. To discover an alien, yet alluring, line is electrifying if not revelatory—as both a writer and a reader. Such lines expel clichés in favor of authentic originality.
The hot winds of anger
blow across the frigid landscape.
Leaving only a desert
where flowers once grew.
Gone are the mighty oaks. 5
Gone are the gentle lilies.
Gone, the song birds
and the soaring eagles.
Deserted oasis;
poisoned waters; 10
parched bones
of the errant nomads.
Shimmers of promise,
mirages of hope,
proven elusive
on the arid horizon. 15
Travelers beware.
Drink not too deeply.
What seems sweet to the tongue
may sour in the belly.
A few things. I won't say your poem lacks authenticity—because it doesn't. However, I will say it lacks personality, which is a deeper level of authenticity. Using heat to symbolize anger is so prevalent that it's in our everyday speech with words like "fiery" and "heated." Desert imagery suffers a similar fate when referencing absence or desolation.
How can you articulate this feeling in a way that's personal and revealing?
With that being said... the anaphora and parallel syntax in stanza 2 is well placed, setting the poem in motion with its tensive energy. The fragmented list in the next stanza is refreshing too. Generally, I would say the poem's structure is solid. My only suggestion is to break up the lines more. Most, if not all, of them are end-stopped, which makes the poem predictable.
Articulation of feeling & thought is critical for poetry. To discover an alien, yet alluring, line is electrifying if not revelatory—as both a writer and a reader. Such lines expel clichés in favor of authentic originality.
“Nature is a haunted house—but Art—is a house that tries to be haunted.” - Emily Dickinson