The Daily Grind

[89layers]

Sometimes you feel like you're up against a wall.
You hold on tightly, as all heroes do.
You're fighting with your all,
but it is not enough.
And you could give a damn if it's gonna be so tough.
You hide away the pain or you take another drink.
You pretend not to care, but you worry what they think.
If they think of you at all, you could gamble that they don't.
You pick your poison or your vice and pray it gets you through the day, but you know it won't.
You fumble through your days and flip through magazines.
You sit on your phone, staring at the screen.
Maybe go outside a bit if you can find the strength.
You tell yourself "tomorrow" or "it is not that bad."
But you can't even hear the music,
unless it tells of something sad.
All those songs that talk of promise! 
You just can't relate.
You care a little less each day until you're barely trying.
You get to work a little late, 
and no one is the wiser that your soul, inside is dying.
Then to wade through the hours and the bullshit, without a medal or a friend.
You go numb from lonliness and wish that it could end.
You escape reality through a day dream or a game, 
but duty calls your name.
You pack up your lunch and, with it, all your pain.
Then you paint your smile on, 
and shuffle off to start again.

[MindEraser]

I love the meaning of this poem (at least, what it means to me), I can relate to it very well. Very inspiring!
The only criticism I can give you is that the structure of your rhyming words seems off to me.
Sometimes the last word of a sentence rhymes with the last word of the next sentence, other times it skips a whole sentence before it rhymes.
But overall well done!

[89layers]

Thanks MindEraser.

I will try to tweak it a bit and see if I can make the rhyming consistent.  Much appreciated.

I was feeling depressed from the monotony and shackles of responsibility.  And I look around and see my husband and friends and family all depressed, too.  And it seems like we are all in need of some liberation.

Maybe liberation comes in different ways. But I was feeling in tune with their depression, as well as mine.

I hope that it what you got from it, but really, as long as it makes my reader feel anything, I am pleased.

Thank you for your response.

I love the meaning of this poem (at least, what it means to me), I can relate to it very well. Very inspiring!
The only criticism I can give you is that the structure of your rhyming words seems off to me.
Sometimes the last word of a sentence rhymes with the last word of the next sentence, other times it skips a whole sentence before it rhymes.
But overall well done!

[rollingbrianjones]

I think you communicate the thoughts and feelings of the underlying complications of everyday life for yourself and similarly affected readers really well. I had no trouble understanding or relating to this poem, in its entirety- and I think the constant assault of the word "You" ensures this (so, I guess this will be a big hit with people who "get it"- and perhaps confuse those that don't!). Even though it is obvious the writer is talking about him/herself, the continuous use of "you" simultaneously grabs the reader, bravo.

Have you read this back out loud? My honest opinion is that the meaning, communication to and influence on the reader are spot on. Really good. 
But it is let down a bit structurally here and there, at times potentially stopping the reader's flow. I know there isn't a set structure here, and I am all for that, but I think the poem could be made even better if made to comply with that unwritten, undefined structure: read-aloud-ability. This is just my opinion- I am a glutton for poetry that reads out loud even if it is perfect on paper and gets across it's intended message.

So to this effect I've put a few notes below to illustrate my opinion, and hopefully assist any revisions you make.

All in all, I really related to this poem and enjoyed reading it a lot!

[quote='89layers' pid='221487' dateline='1480906856']
Sometimes you feel like you're up against a wall.
You hold on tightly, as all heroes do. (love the idea of the daily grind being heroic! As so many peoples' days are a struggle, compared to the lucky privileged few!).
You're fighting with your all,
but it is not enough.
And you could give a damn if it's gonna be so tough.
You hide away the pain or you take another drink.
You pretend not to care, but you worry what they think.
If they think of you at all, you could gamble that they don't. Love the opening 8 lines. It actually pushes the poem's message without even needing the rest, in my opinion! Phonetically it reads really well. The rest of the poem does enhance this feeling, though, just it's great that it hits home early on.
You pick your poison or your vice and pray it gets you through the day, but you know it won't. I'm sure you deliberately extended this line- but after the first 9 lines rolled off the tongue I almost think it might better to continue the rhythm of the poem? By the time I've battled through this really long line my brain barely registers the don't/won't rhyme. 
(sugg: 
You hope your vices/poisons get you through the day, inevitably they won't.)
You fumble through your days and flip through magazines. 
You sit on your phone, staring at the screen.
Love the idea of fumbling through days, great phrase- I fumble through far too many days . Follow up is also strong but poetically/phonetically maybe revise whilst keeping the meaning, i.e: "you stare at the screen/always staring at the screen"? 
I'd consider the syllables in each line, though if you intend this to sound awkward you are succeeding, especially as the poem reads so smoothly thus far. Even if all is intentional to signify meaning, I think with revision of syllables through adding some relevant adjectives, you can make this read more smoothly and enhance the message- mirroring the ease with which many of us waste or "fumble through" such days. Maybe I'm going too far
(sugg:
You idly fumble through your days whilst scanning magazines,
You check your phone with every minute, staring blankly at the screen) 

Maybe go outside a bit if you can find the strength.
You tell yourself "tomorrow" or "it is not that bad." I'd consider revising this line, in terms of stresses and syllables- as again it's a little awkward to read, and I think with revision you can make it smoother, and emphasise your message further with stronger language. 
(sugg:
Maybe go outside a bit, if you can find the strength;
You convince yourself "tomorrow", preaching "it is not that bad.") 

But you can't even hear the music, (Yet instead of but? Actually read it again and preferred but- wasn't too keen on either, your forceful use of the word "You" to begin lines is much stronger than both but have to rejig whole line to change that)
unless it tells of something sad. (love this)
All those songs that talk of promise! 
You just can't relate. Another place where I'd consider adding a couple of syllables? (sugg: You quite simply can't relate - "quite simply" is awful/[athetic, I just used it to hopefully demonstrate the rhythm running along more smoothly)
You care a little less each day until you're barely trying.
You get to work a little late, 
and no one is the wiser that your soul, inside is dying. In line with your effective inconsistent meter, I actually think a short line would be great here! (sugg: They don't know your soul is dying.)
Then to wade through the hours and the bullshit, without a medal or a friend. You instead of to? cut the "the"s? Not sure the medal image is great here- "do you want a medal" is flippantly used in the UK as a phrase mocking people finding little achievement in small, seemingly easy things. 
(sugg: Then you wade through hours and/of bullshit without achievement or a friend.

You go numb from lonliness and wish that it could end. Maybe "you" instead of and? Your use of You is strong and enforces the message upon the reader, so surely better than "and" which has poetic quality nor effect upon the reader- can say the same thing but more effectively? I also feel an extra syllable makes this a better read (sugg: You're numb from looping loneliness, you wish that this could end)
You escape reality through a day dream or a game, 
but duty calls your name. Can further personify duty here, beyond just calling your name, suggestion underneath)
You pack up your lunch and, with it, all your pain.
Then you paint your smile on, 
and shuffle off to start again. (love the use of shuffle up, immediately I resonated of some of my own daily grinds)

Found the last 6 lines v.disjointed... felt like a tough read and I am a patient reader! Just didn't think it was on par with the rest of this piece. I assume this is deliberate but as a reader I enjoyed the last 6 lines the least by a long way, you made your point in earlier stanzas fantastically, with great rhythm, clever lines, forceful language in terms of the effect you want to have on the reader. 
(Sugg:
You're numbed by looping loneliness, you wish that this could end.
You escape your bleak reality, through daydreams or a game. 

Yet your duty rears its ugly head, she/he summons you by name;
So you pack your lunch and deep within you bury all your pain-
Then you paint your spurious smile on, 
Shuffle off and start again.


Sorry for a long critique within the novice threads, been at it 25 mins without really stopping, just scrolled up and saw length of it :
Just really liked this poem, purely as it hits home with me so strongly- and I wanted to give you every thought or idea to further inspire you if you revisit it. Also my suggestions are just that, maybe you read in a diff way. Some of them are not great but mainly used to demonstrate each point.

I think you have grasped the important part of poetry here, i.e. communicating a clear message, well done I think with edits this could be awesome!

RBJ

[hesawacko]

Ahhhh - life and responsibility.  I get you.  And i feel it here.  Which means its working. Sometime its tough to face the world each morning, yet again.  I think you've got the start of an artsy greek statue here, but i think it just needs some  more chiseling.  I think too many words are kind of getting in the way of the more powerful few.  I'm gonna type in my thoughts in just the beginning of your poem below to give you an idea of my thoughts.  I really think in this case - less is more.

Sometimes you feel like you're up against a wall.  Sometimes// you're up against the wall.
You hold on tightly, as all heroes do.  Holding tightly, as all heroes do.
You're fighting with your all,   Fighting with your all.  
(is there a bigger, stronger way to say this... "raging, fighting all"?)
but it is not enough.  It's never enough.  (or "yet, its never enough")
And you could give a damn if it's gonna be so tough.
You hide away the pain or you take another drink.
You pretend not to care, but you worry what they think.
If they think of you at all, you could gamble that they don't.
You pick your poison or your vice and pray it gets you through the day, but you know it won't.
You fumble through your days and flip through magazines.  
maybe "fumbling through days, flipping through magazines"
You sit on your phone, staring at the screen.  "sitting on phones, staring at screens"  shortening? flow better?
Maybe go outside a bit if you can find the strength.
You tell yourself "tomorrow" or "it is not that bad."
But you can't even hear the music,
unless it tells of something sad.
All those songs that talk of promise! 
You just can't relate.
You care a little less each day until you're barely trying.
You get to work a little late, 
and no one is the wiser that your soul, inside is dying.
Then to wade through the hours and the bullshit, without a medal or a friend.
You go numb from lonliness and wish that it could end.
You escape reality through a day dream or a game, 
but duty calls your name.
You pack up your lunch and, with it, all your pain.
Then you paint your smile on, 
and shuffle off to start again.

Again, strong emotion here.  And it carries thru... I just think it could be distilled, shortened, thinned - maybe some lines even combined... so that its honed to a sharp edged weapon... that really stabs at the reader!
that's just my 2 cents.  good work!

[89layers]

@RollingBrianJones

Wow!  I thank you so much for your long and thoughtful critique.  I stopped posting here awhile because I realized I really need to learn a little bit about poetry before I flood this site with all my woefully novice work.
 
This piece, though still novice, felt real to me.  Much more so then all the pieces I’ve written about longing and love – which were real too, but by their very nature generic.  You definitely reassured me that my message is resonating here though!
 
I will certainly take your critiques in to account.  And I agree it’s very weak in some areas.  I didn’t want to think about it too much as I was writing, lest the feeling escape me entirely.  But I can certainly rework it now and definitely going to use your input J

Regarding the "medal" it was meant to be a little humorous.  I meant it to suggest that for all our work, we really have nothing to show.  I'm ok with it seeming a bit sarcastically pitiful in this sense.  People get a medal for silly stuff here in the US as well.  And I normally don't condone such coddling but I think I will keep it, because I do like it in this piece.

 
Thanks again!

---

@ Hesawako

Thank you very much for your thoughts here.  I will be looking to rework this piece very soon

Best to you!

[amaril]

This poem is agreeable because it can easily be applied to a range of common circumstances, i.e. the feeling of working an unfulfilling job. However, IMO it lacks the specificity needed to be memorable. The best lines are

You pretend not to care, but you worry what they think.
...
You fumble through your days and flip through magazines.
You sit on your phone, staring at the screen.
...
You care a little less each day until you're barely trying.
You get to work a little late, 

because they describe concrete actions or perceptions instead of general sentiments. I think that these lines (and the poem in general) would be stronger with some situational/environmental context. Where were you as you stared at your phone? In a bathroom stall? Sensory details give a poem dimension, imo, and they tend to more precisely capture feelings than lines like

Then to wade through the hours and the bullshit, without a medal or a friend.
You go numb from lonliness and wish that it could end.
You escape reality through a day dream or a game, 
but duty calls your name.

do. However, the occasional 'cliche' or 'emotional summary' can give a voice character and make it relatable. This is why I like the "care a little less" line--I can relate to it, and I can see how the speaker would reduce their frustration about their life into such a statement. (plus it is a cool line in light of the earlier line about pretending not to care). I guess I am trying to say that I value specificity over simplification, but a good poem can make use of both.

[rollingbrianjones]

Good luck reworking- again, I commented at length as it really resonated with me and I really enjoyed it!

I'd not worry too much about posting or not posting your raw, reworked writings straight off- as your seemingly doubtful replies suggest some insecurity, which I hope doesn't overpower you.
Whether you are posting in "novice" or in "serious workshopping" on this site, from a couple of months of reading almost all submissions since joining... I feel this piece could be in either thread with the same criticism and suggestions.

There's nothing novice about artistically presenting a message so clearly, strongly and unavoidably as you have here. Read, rewrite, don't lose meaning, smash in some more coordinated sounds- and it will be up there with anything. Meaning is hard, artistic wording can be worked on. And you've nailed the hard bit.

RBJ

[ella27]

Really really love and relate to this. The slow deterioration of hope through out the poem is highly simbolic. I agree with other commenters on the importance of simplicity. What you're saying is very relatable and seldom spoken about with true honestly. The first paragraph is the weakest in my opinion while it gets better as it goes. The begininnng should be gripping and show more of a glimpse of the poem's theme. Sometimes rearranging or swapping certain paragraphs gives you a new perspective and creative light on your writing, maybe try that? All in all i appreciate your rawness on this subject human navigation through life. 

Sometimes you feel like you're up against a wall.
You hold on tightly, as all heroes do.
You're fighting with your all,
but it is not enough.
And you could give a damn if it's gonna be so tough.
You hide away the pain or you take another drink.
You pretend not to care, but you worry what they think.
If they think of you at all, you could gamble that they don't.
You pick your poison or your vice and pray it gets you through the day, but you know it won't.
You fumble through your days and flip through magazines.
You sit on your phone, staring at the screen.
Maybe go outside a bit if you can find the strength.
You tell yourself "tomorrow" or "it is not that bad."
But you can't even hear the music,
unless it tells of something sad.
All those songs that talk of promise! 
You just can't relate.
You care a little less each day until you're barely trying.
You get to work a little late, 
and no one is the wiser that your soul, inside is dying.
Then to wade through the hours and the bullshit, without a medal or a friend.
You go numb from lonliness and wish that it could end.
You escape reality through a day dream or a game, 
but duty calls your name.
You pack up your lunch and, with it, all your pain.
Then you paint your smile on, 
and shuffle off to start again.

[VINTAGEM]

The imagery of the poem is not so much but I can feel an outpour of emotion from this poem, which is great.
I am  a little worried with the informality of the words, I know it is supposed to follow modern writing but there is too much usage of slang in passages. It sounds very lyrical and in my humble opinion will make good lyrics to music rather than a style of poetry.
As commented you are very good with putting emotion across maybe if concentrate on the written prose it will make good poetry after all.

[Coquette16]

89Layers,
Even the title of this poem grabs me because I know I can identify with the daily grind just as much as the next reader. I certainly can identify with every image you include...being up against a wall, fighting with our all, hiding away the pain...it's all so real. I appreciate your candor. Typically, I would wonder about the point of view---"you" and "they" being ambiguous pronouns and can often hinder the strength of the voice in the poem. 

-Coquette 
(see notations below)

Sometimes you feel like you're up against a wall.
You hold on tightly, as all heroes do.
You're fighting with your all,
but it is not enough.
And you could give a damn if it's gonna be so tough.
You hide away the pain or you take another drink.
You pretend not to care, but you worry what they think.
If they think of you at all, you could gamble that they don't.
You pick your poison or your vice and pray it gets you through the day, but you know it won't.
You fumble through your days and flip through magazines. ----or Facebook! 
You sit on your phone, staring at the screen.   -----maybe "staring at the screen of my phone" instead of "sitting"
Maybe go outside a bit if you can find the strength.   ------keep the point of view consistent. Is this being said to yourself or a recommendation to the reader?
You tell yourself "tomorrow" or "it is not that bad."
But you can't even hear the music,
unless it tells of something sad.
All those songs that talk of promise!  ------around here the rhythm is lost...maybe tweak the lines for more consistency.
You just can't relate.
You care a little less each day until you're barely trying.
You get to work a little late, 
and no one is the wiser that your soul, inside is dying.
Then to wade through the hours and the bullshit, without a medal or a friend.  ------maybe make this line more succinct (take out "then")
You go numb from lonliness and wish that it could end.
You escape reality through a day dream or a game, ------good line
but duty calls your name.
You pack up your lunch and, with it, all your pain. ------love this line! Simple, yet so demonstrative of the negative that comes with mundane.
Then you paint your smile on, 
and shuffle off to start again.