12-29-2016, 05:09 AM
I like the injection of spiritual thoughts and practices. The title instantly brought me to the tarot card "the hermit". I think the title is fitting and I personally would not change it.
(12-03-2016, 08:10 AM)lizziep Wrote: It's the season of walls, firm
as universal laws, with the perforation
of doors opening briefly like portals.
It's the season of windows—a candle
in the windowsill signals. <- could find another way to say this without using window twice. Otherwise I still think these first two stanzas sound nice back to back.
that something sentient still lives inside.
Headlights, strange and sharp in the dark, <- possibly exchange the word strange for another slightly more descriptive.
bore into the hulk of morning,
battling through its murky black.
There's curtain-cloaked lamplight glowing <- Here are you talking about the light coming from inside the frosty cars or the curtain cloaked lamplight that you are viewing the outside world through? Because if it's the first one, do the people all have curtains inside their cars?
through windows and frosty cars in driveways,
but people are planets of distant stars:
probabilities—inferences
from the way the light bends around them,
how it warps and curves.
It's reasonable to deduce
that the movement of cars cannot be random,
that the lamplight returns bearing promise and purpose.