I Wonder

[Missy]

This is my first time accepting critique on my poems so I'm going to put this in the novice section...lol...I hope it's okay...
thank you :)



I Wonder

we
siege the forest.

as dawn approaches
waterfalls
and I
sit alone
inside
the empty
stall–

my fingers
trail
like lead
and quake
like thunder
and us,
I wonder.

inhaling the black
that slips from our mouths
and we suck it back.

the nightingale
that sleeps
as we
split the
upper seams
of our shirts
as breathing hurts
and us,
still I wonder–

why I'm yearning the black
that slips from our mouths
and we suck it back.

[Todd]

Hi Missy, welcome to the site!

You have a certain surreal quality here that I like in places. Let me give you a few comments. This isn't the sort of poem that holds you with its narrative. It holds you because it has an atmospheric flitting quality to it. There are some lines that I'm not a huge fan of--the opening for instance. I also am not enamored with waterfalls that sit alone, the that before sleeps, and the repetition of the black that slips from our mouths and all that.

I'll try to give a few line comments on what I do like though with some minor explanation. I want to be careful not to push you to much in any one direction as style is made up of a number of subjective, personal choices.

This is my first time accepting critique on my poems so I'm going to put this in the novice section...lol...I hope it's okay...
thank you



I Wonder

we
siege the forest.--feels awkward. Siege the forest even feels a bit off for how unconnected it seems.

as dawn approaches
waterfalls--This may work better reimagined as a simile (i.e., like a waterfall)
and I
sit alone
inside
the empty
stall–

my fingers
trail
like lead
and quake
like thunder
and us,
I wonder.--I like this entire sequence

inhaling the black
that slips from our mouths
and we suck it back.--This is a really neat surreal sequence. It's as if they are inhaling night. I like this. I think the surprise of the line is ruined a bit by repeating it later.

the nightingale
that sleeps--cut that perhaps, and maybe pull sleeps up a line.
as we
split the
upper seams
of our shirts
as breathing hurts
and us,--I would be tempted to see you cut the and, pull still up to end the line and end the poem on still. 
still I wonder–

why I'm yearning the black
that slips from our mouths
and we suck it back.

Just some thoughts. I hope some of that is helpful.

Best,

Todd

[Sparkydashforth]

Hi Missy, I won't even pretend to fully understand your intent and narrative in this poem, but
linear logic is probably the least important aspect of modern poetry. I like the surreal quality
of the piece.

This is my first time accepting critique on my poems so I'm going to put this in the novice section...lol...I hope it's okay...
thank you



I Wonder.........................I really do feel that you should consider a change of title,
for the phrase is repeated in the body of the poem, also the title adds nothing to
subjective understanding of the write.


we
siege the forest..................This has a violent undertone, as if to say we (as a group) force ourselves
into the forest environment, which is a clever way to set the mood of the piece.

as dawn approaches
waterfalls
and I
sit alone......................I think these lines needs a more descriptive rewrite
inside
the empty
stall–...........................'stall' means for me - toilet. Is that what you mean? If so, it's not that an unusual place to
muse within. It probably means something else in North Americas though!

my fingers
trail
like lead
and quake
like thunder
and us,
I wonder.............good lines, the 'I wonder' repeat works here.

inhaling the black
that slips from our mouths
and we suck it back...................These are my favorite lines, though my reaction is purely subjective.

the nightingale
that sleeps....................I would cut 'that'
as we
split the
upper seams
of our shirts
as breathing hurts
and us,
still I wonder–....................good lines, but here I would cut the repeat.

why I'm yearning the black................then cut 'why' here





and we suck it back.......then cut 'and'

Pretty cool wright.

[Missy]

thanks so much for the comments Sparky and Todd :)

I'll try and incorporate the suggestions you made and make the poem better. Maybe I'll update later, when I fix some things. 

Thanks again :)

[hesawacko]

Hi Missy,
I really like the images you draw, and the sparse tight flow... it totally makes me "wonder"... in a good way, but also for the life of me, i'm not really sure what its supposed to be about.  Or maybe its not supposed to be about anything, i'm just not sure.  I kinda want to understand the emotion and feeling in this poem, just some little thing to grab on to.  My first thought is maybe its the title.  Could it be a title that locks everything in, so i immediately understand where this journey is gonna take me? (for the record, i'm new to this myself - just giving my subjective feedback!)  My favorite lines are "inhaling the black that slips from our mouths and we suck it back".  I see you repeat it, which is kinda cool - adding to its importance.  Maybe you put it in again at the beginning, losing the "and" for a repetitive flow throughout poem?? (for the record, not sure you need the "and" in those lines)  Also,  "we siege the forest" feels just a little off for me to start... almost more confusing, than questioning or seeking.   However, I think you've got something pretty provocative here.  Great work!

I Wonder

we
siege the forest.

as dawn approaches
waterfalls
and I
sit alone
inside
the empty
stall–

my fingers
trail
like lead
and quake
like thunder
and us,
I wonder.

inhaling the black
that slips from our mouths
and we suck it back.

the nightingale
that sleeps
as we
split the
upper seams
of our shirts
as breathing hurts
and us,
still I wonder–

why I'm yearning the black
that slips from our mouths
and we suck it back.
[/quote]

[Mark Cecil]

Overall I very interesting piece you got here with some powerful images

This is my first time accepting critique on my poems so I'm going to put this in the novice section...lol...I hope it's okay...
thank you



I Wonder

we
siege the forest.  This sounds very aggressive but maybe that's the point.  I thought maybe putting "besiege" might be more accurate than siege but maybe that's me

as dawn approaches
waterfalls  This confused me - do you mean water falls as in its raining or the dawn approaches as/like waterfalls
and I
sit alone
inside
the empty
stall–

my fingers
trail
like lead
and quake
like thunder
and us,
I wonder.  This is my my favourite part of the poem - good imagery

inhaling the black
that slips from our mouths
and we suck it back.  This is a great but I wondering if you could make the intent more clearer.  This is an important part of the poem as you repeat it twice but what does it mean - does it just mean breathing and how does it relate to the title:  I wonder.  Could it be your wondering about life itself as your focusing on breathing

the nightingale
that sleeps
as we
split the
upper seams
of our shirts
as breathing hurts
and us,
still I wonder– I love this stanza

why I'm yearning the black
that slips from our mouths
and we suck it back.  I think its actually Okay repeating this part twice in the poem

[Missy]

I'm actually sort of embarrassed to tell what the poem means or the image I was using lol. Anyways, I'm not sure my poem means anything serious either. I was just using an image in my mind and trying to capture a moment of something interesting to me. That's what I do for most of my poetry. In this poem, I was actually thinking of the image of smoking. I wanted to capture that image of blowing out smoke, and then literally sucking it back in. On a side note, I don't actually smoke, and I have no idea how it works. I was just curious about it and wanted to write a poem. As for the waterfalls line, that is part of the forest, but also part of the bathroom where the setting takes place, like water rushing in. I wanted to capture the idea of seclusion, and of being alone by connecting the image of a waterfall to a lonely bathroom. "Siege the forest", I dunno what I was thinking, I guess it does sound violent, so maybe I'll just delete it or clarify. I just liked the way it sounded lol. Hopefully this clears up some confusion over the poem :)

Thanks again for the comments. I'll maybe add an update later with some of the suggestions, I was sort of busy today :)

[Todd]

The smoking thing makes perfect sense. Don't be embarrassed of your process. That's probably why this reminded me of Moontan by Mark Strand. Not that it's a copy in anyway just thematically linked. I didn't mention it earlier because I wasn't sure why it was coming to mind.

[Wonderfullife]

Hi Missy , I liked you poem. Overall, it conjures up images and memories of forest walks, and the simple pleasures they bring.
I found some sections a bit mysterious, which is good, as poetry, I think, is supposed to get us thinking, and imagining.
I would have chosen a different title, maybe something like-Alone- or -Breathing- as the poem gives me a sense of being alone and also of breathing in clean forest air, while breathing out polluted city air, or cigarette smoke.
Enjoyed the poem.


I Wonder

we 
siege the forest.

as dawn approaches 
waterfalls...Good word play, conjures up imagery
and I
sit alone
inside
the empty
stall–

my fingers
trail 
like lead 
and quake
like thunder.....Liked the imagery of this simple sensory delight
and us,
I wonder.

inhaling the black
that slips from our mouths
and we suck it back.

the nightingale
that sleeps
as we
split the 
upper seams 
of our shirts 
as breathing hurts
and us, 
still I wonder–

why I'm yearning the black
that slips from our mouths
and we suck it back.....This is good, as it gets the reading wondering.

[HopeVictoria56]

I really enjoy this poem.  It got me imagining a scene that I don't have any idea if it's what you intended.  I did pick up the smoking picture from the previous replies which is nice.  This person is smoking alone in a bathroom and is contemplating about another person.  When the thought of this person gets introduced, the pronouns switch from singular to plural.  There is an intimacy there because the smoke slips from the mouths of two people and is inhaled willingly or almost wantedly from both people.  The clothes come off as well.  It would seem to me the character in this poem has locked herself in a bathroom stall while she contemplates maybe why she yearns for it at all and what does it mean?

we
siege the forest.  This is the one thing I'm not personally enjoying is the nature that's presented because I'm seeing the bathroom scene and also the relationship that's playing out in the characters head. Neither of them for me are in a nature setting.  But of course I could be missing the mark totally.

as dawn approaches
waterfalls
and I
sit alone
inside
the empty
stall–  

my fingers
trail
like lead
and quake
like thunder
and us,
I wonder.  This stanza is great.  I can just see a zoomed in cigarette getting dragged and flicked in slow motion.

inhaling the black
that slips from our mouths
and we suck it back.

the nightingale
that sleeps
as we
split the
upper seams
of our shirts
as breathing hurts
and us,
still I wonder– I like one of the previous comments about ending on
"and us
still"

why I'm yearning the black
that slips from our mouths
and we suck it back

Great read. Thanks. Keep posting.

[Beardowulf]

Hi Missy,

As previously noted, there isn't a strong narrative with your piece, but the imagery and emotions invoked are the main components. I feel that the title works, expressing the wonderment of the speaker - the uncertainty in "yearning the black" or dark times/moments (At least this is my initial reading of your piece). I think your repetition of "black" works to trickle out the idea of the final stanza, however maybe using other words that connote to black or darkness will have a greater impact. The structure is also nice, compromising of mainly short lines except for the middle and last stanza. I'll do my best to leave some comments within your piece as well.

This is my first time accepting critique on my poems so I'm going to put this in the novice section...lol...I hope it's okay...
thank you



I Wonder

we
siege the forest. -- I like this as an opening line. Sets the stage for the rest of the poem,  we take control as the sun rises (dawn).

as dawn approaches
waterfalls
and I
sit alone -- This  is slightly confusing for me, "waterfalls and I sit alone inside the empty stall" I don't think the image here is effective - perhaps work the metaphor more.
inside
the empty
stall–

my fingers -- This stanza is perfect, encapsulate the notion of "wonder" and the similes work. 
trail
like lead
and quake
like thunder
and us,
I wonder.

inhaling the black
that slips from our mouths -- Bringing in the darkness of others?
and we suck it back.

the nightingale --powerful image, the nightingale is a powerful symbol used by many writers.
that sleeps --Maybe include a bit about how nightingales sing loud to overcome background noise to parallel its sleeping
as we
split the
upper seams
of our shirts
as breathing hurts
and us,
still I wonder–

why I'm yearning the black --I really like this final stanza, it provides closure and brings home your intent of "wonderment"
that slips from our mouths
and we suck it back.

I hope my comments and feedback are helpful. I enjoyed reading your piece multiple times, I look forward to seeing how it develops with everyone's feedback. Good luck with your writing!

Best,

Chris (Beardowulf)

[VINTAGEM]

This is my first time accepting critique on my poems so I'm going to put this in the novice section...lol...I hope it's okay...
thank you

I read through the poem the lines breaks however seem to come at random times, I cannot see sentence formation and punctuation at all, maybe it just got incorrectly formatted. Having said that the imagery of black smoke is nice but the poem does not follow sequence, it hops around the place. The title also seems unrelated to the poem itself. Other than that with work I  forsee a good poem coming out of this.

I Wonder

we
siege the forest.

as dawn approaches
waterfalls
and I
sit alone
inside
the empty
stall–

my fingers
trail
like lead
and quake
like thunder
and us,
I wonder.

inhaling the black
that slips from our mouths
and we suck it back.

the nightingale
that sleeps
as we
split the
upper seams
of our shirts
as breathing hurts
and us,
still I wonder–

why I'm yearning the black
that slips from our mouths
and we suck it back.