4th Edit - Silicon Valley Palettes

[tectak]

Silicon Valley Palettes
  Hi mahj, I come late to this but am pleased that you ARE workshopping it. First thoughts, though, are that it is more "shopping" than "workshopping" in that you have almost created a shopping list of adjectives loosely and patently connected by an analogous palette....that's fine as your title gives one to expect what is in the tin. The real issue, though, is how to introduce poetry in to the tome. It is not enough to use wordiness, especially jargon, as an attribute. You really need to draw a picture, paint a picture even, that the reader sees in the mind. To some extent I can see that you KNOW that this is true, and to a lesser extent you really are trying to pull it off; perhaps trying too hard?
My advice, and that is all it is, would be to get completely rid of the hyphens and use words to subtly meld the colour ranges, rather as you would ACTUALLY do when mixing on a palette, by smooth and velvety sonics. The hyphens digitise the process by making everything sound chopped and bitty...more analogue in the dialogue, please. A line-by-line (see what I mean?) would not help at this stage as you are probably quite well aware of what I am trying to say, albeit clumsily.
This is a very nice idea, not entirely new so watch out for unforced cliches ("cloud -wisped" fools no one, nor does "pulsing stars"), and avoid errors by not stepping out of the romance in to the science;"achromatic white" is a nonsense on all levels which leads you in to all kinds of wordy porridge towards the end....and the end is slurry, I'm afraid.


A cloud-wisped sky of celestial-to-tiffany,
thistle and foothills of sienna-to-coyote,
the shimmering Bay of viridian-to-sea,
            surround a grassy myrtle-to-moss isle,
            brimming with a colony of aquatic pelicans−
            each one achromatic white:
            indistinct, impartial, colorless,
            as pulsing stars, sunlight, clear night.
 
                        Giant swirly l@llipops,                     
            clownish cruiser bicycles,­­­
M&M-top umbrellas−blue
                        green
            red
yellow−
                        bound glaringly off squat
            specular architecture over a
sprawling synthetic archipelago,
                        raining warm rainbows on
            kaleidoscopic kids−each one a
fractal of chromatic intensity:
                        singular, contrastive, vivid,
             as a private perspective,
 desire, fantasy.





[pre verse
A Silicon Valley Color Scheme; Or a Sop to Goethe
 
Under the cloud-wisped sky of celestial to Jordy;
Between the thistle and foothills of sienna to coyote;
Upon the shimmering Bay of viridian to sea;
There floats a grassy islet of myrtle to moss,
Brimming with a colony of pelicans--each one
            Achromatic white:
Indistinct, impartial, and colorless,
Just like the stars, sunlight, and dark night.
 
Clownish cruiser bicycles­­­−yellow, blue, green;
M&M-top umbrellas−blue, red, yellow;
Giant swirly lollipops−green, yellow, red;
            Rainbow optics ornamenting
The sprawling archipelago of specular architecture,
Reflecting gayly the ceaseless swarm of kaleidoscopic
            Kids−each one a fractal of chromatic intensity:
Singular, contrastive, and vivid,
Just like a perspective, a desire, or a fantasy.
 
This is to say it like I see it, or not. 
But what am I to make of it?
                   Pelicans
                                           Can't
                                                             Hide
Behind
                   Achromatic
                                            White.
[/pre verse