12-06-2016, 12:31 PM
Thank you for the sharp and thoughtful comments/suggestions, dukealien. They are educational for me and hugely helpful. I've made some revisions, attaching comments/explanations/questions along the way.
A Silicon Valley Color Scheme(; Or a Sop to Goethe) Added the alt title with Goethe's 'poetics' (not science) of colors in mind; it's his discussion of the psychological impact of colors on mood and emotions (gaity, excitement, purity, power, youth, age, etc.)--it's an intriguing aesthetics that he intuits; that said, I do have much more in mind in this regard than I (explicitly) present in this brief poem; it takes me some time to part ways with all that I wish to convey and to come to terms with the limits of what I've actually produced on the page--the alt title's days are numbered ;-)
Under the cloud-wisped sky of celestial to Jordy;
Between the thistle and foothills of sienna to coyote;
Upon the shimmering Bay of viridian to sea;
There floats a grassy isle of myrtle to moss, You are correct--isle is better, perhaps because it's softer, an overall
sensibility that I'm shooting for here ; 'islet of myrtle' had a certain immediate
consonance to me such that I never stopped to consider an alternative, but
it's a 'hard' consonance.
Brimming with a colony of pelicans--each one
Achromatic white:
Indistinct, impartial, colorless, 'and' is gone--much better
As distant stars, sunlight, full night. Love your rewrite here (may I use it?); I was hung up--as this poem in particular has often left me--on 'sense'; 'distant' adds a nice rhythm and poetic imagery, even if it's unnecessary for grasping the stars' achromatic character (which I was hung up on), ditto for 'full night', whereas 'dark night' is clunky (and, worse, Batman-esque), but seduced me by emphasizing the (a)chromatic character pertinent here.
Clownish cruiser bicycles,
M&M-top umbrellas,
Giant swirly lollipops−
Green, yellow, red, blue; I genuinely disliked my treatment of the primary colors in these opening three lines (I had juggled the color order a few times, almost going with ending each line with 'blue'); I needed your poke here to get out of my being hell-bent on banging readers over the head with mind-numbing iterations of red, blue, green, yellow; long story, but my impulse in this stanza was precisely to eschew rhyme (there is only one, at the end) and rhythm in exchange for a style and form that was 'techy' stiff and monotonous and pure 'sense' (e.g., [b]a succession of 'em dashes', though I'm unsure if that's actually what they were; Note: I live under a mile from this 'three-headed dog'--enough said?). At the same time, I didn't quite wish to come out and express what I feel; I wanted to remain mainly in a descriptive register, and smuggle some sense of my feelings in the style/form. In any case, don't hesitate to let me know if this change doesn't do it--I'm unsure about it.[/b]
Rainbow optics ornamenting
The sprawling archipelago of specular architecture,
Reflecting gaily the ceaseless swarm of kaleidoscopic Fair enough on viewpoint, but google 'googleplex' and surf through the images--Silly Valley architecture is squat, and the mirrored facades, even in the pictures, do reflect an impressive expanse of the immediate foregrounds; that said, what matters most is what resonates off the page to readers (not what actually reflects off the buildings to viewers). Let me know what you think.
Kids−each one a fractal of chromatic intensity:
Singular, contrastive, vivid, Goodbye (and good riddance) to 'and'
As a perspective, a desire, a fantasy. I really wanted to annihilate the indefinite 'a' articles here, but a couple things leave me hesitant: my aim is to emphasize the singularity of each of these (abstract) things, something that to me seems to require the indefinite articles, especially here, since, for example, 'desire' means something quite different from 'a desire', with the former invoking the psychoanalytic concept that is amorphous and far from 'vivid', and the latter invoking something that 'is' or 'seems to be' within reach, so defensibly 'singular, contrastive, vivid'. Is there that much lost poetically here by leaving these indefinite articles in place?
This is to say it like I see it, or not. Feisty me, is this last stanza. I originally ended the poem after the last line of the 2nd stanza (right where you suggest), and had sat on it that way for a couple days. But I wasn't satisfied that I would get a 'unanimous decision' and so had to go for a knock-out punch. "Like I see it" aims to resonate with the optical orientation here, while "or not" is my poaching of a (Elizabeth) Bishopean trope that qualifies a claim or aim in a gesture of reflexive honesty or even humility (i.e., I might have been shooting for pure description, but have I actually succeeded in circumventing my psyche and leaving out my own feelings and emotions?). Bishop's poems are replete with qualifying or self-questioning 'or's'; but this is not to say that I have pulled this off at all, not to mention with an aplomb anything close to hers (which I would NEVER claim--she is inimitable).
But what am I to make of it? If my (ostensible) register up to now has been optical/seeing/descriptive, here my aim is to cathect, to pull the plug on what I have (sincerely, or not) up to now tried to keep mainly corked, and I do this by making a shameless appeal to what might be my (etymological) 'right' if could presume to be a 'poet', and if by 'poetry' we might mean 'poesis', which means literally 'to make'. So, perhaps too lazily, I have 'made' (imagistically) a tiny piece of poetry wherein I let all too much hang out; hence, (as always) "trivial." In any case, I have broken out the line, performatively staggering it, so that it does not unfold embedded (hidden) within a conventional line of text. I also get the added emphasis of caps with each word, but I wouldn't claim that this works. Your comments here might have set the alarm on the shelf-life of this final stanza :-).
Pelicans
Can't
Hide
Behind
Achromatic
White.
Thank you so much again, dukealien!
A Silicon Valley Color Scheme; Or a Sop to Goethe
Under the cloud-wisped sky of celestial to Jordy; had to look up "Jordy," a very recent synonym for "azure," apparently
Between the thistle and foothills of sienna to coyote;
Upon the shimmering Bay of viridian to sea;
There floats a grassy islet of myrtle to moss, I get that it's small, but could it be "isle" rather than "islet?"
Brimming with a colony of pelicans--each one
Achromatic white:
Indistinct, impartial, and colorless, could do without "and" here
Just like the stars, sunlight, and dark night. could lose "Just" and "the;" "and dark night" stumbles. "full night?"
Clownish cruiser bicycles−yellow, blue, green;
M&M-top umbrellas−blue, red, yellow;
Giant swirly lollipops−green, yellow, red; you must be describing predominant color first in these three lines? Otherwise why the changing order? could that be made explicit, otherwise it looks a bit pointless and repetitive
Rainbow optics ornamenting
The sprawling archipelago of specular architecture, I'm not seeing kids, etc. reflected (specularly) in mirror-windowed buildings - "archtecture" takes the viewpoint up above ground level
Reflecting gayly the ceaseless swarm of kaleidoscopic
Kids−each one a fractal of chromatic intensity:
Singular, contrastive, and vivid,
Just like a perspective, a desire, or a fantasy. Parallelism with the end of S1 noted - need to lose some "a" here. Could the poem then end at this point?
This is to say it like I see it, or not. this line is obscure
But what am I to make of it?
Pelicans
Can't
Hide
Behind
Achromatic
White. seems trivial given the buildup - is this stanza (from "This is to say") disposable?
[/quote]
In a spirit of serioius workshopping..
What this poem lacks in rhythm, it does not quite make up in descriptive density/intensity. It seems, to me, cluttered with "a" and "the" which break up developing rhythms - a few examples noted above, but generally, you might be well advised to remove nearly all of them and add back only where essential to keep the rhythm flowing. Or replace them with more descriptive adjectives, but the poem is already fully packed with those IMHO.
(Title: Goethe wrote about color, but I have trouble casting him as a critic of the scenes described, much less a three-headed dog who must be pacified.)
The structure and richness of detail here are intriguing, but could be made more fun to read. If you'll pardon the rewrite for an example,
Indistinct, impartial, colorless
as sunlight, distant stars, full night.
With those reservations, an enjoyable and well-organized read. Thanks for posting!
[/quote]
Hi Sparkydashforth,
Thank you for your comments! For starters, just to be clear, I don't hold against you your Ohio-ness (;-), as I know all too well from personal experience that we often can't control where we end up living (hence, this poem). I would love to be able to upload for you a picture of the 'specific' pelican colony that inspired my poem. Since I moved to this area 5 months ago, I have run or rode my bike past that pelican colony 2-3 times a week--and in order to reach the Bay, where upon the pelican colony resides, I run or ride LITERALLY right through the heart of the main MV Googleplex. Last weekend was the first first time, on a bike ride, that I decided to bring my poetry books and my computer and my camera (full disclosure, I don't own a smart phone--so, yes, an old fashioned camera). I have a picture of the pelican colony 'brimming' on its isle in the MV Baylands, a very short distance from the Googleplex. I began the poem the night after I returned from that bike ride--referencing my pictures throughout--and finished it the next morning. I would love to upload for you a picture of the pelican colony, but for the tech-illiterate life of me, I cannot figure out how to do so on this site. Can you PM me your private email address?
Mahjong
Hi Mahjong, I think this poem is, or could be very interesting. The theme is a good one, and worth some revision and development.
I agree with much of the previous editorial suggestions made by dukeeallen, so will not belabor those aspects.
My comments are more subjective and reflect a personal reaction, so take them as you find them.
I live in Ohio and feel very far away from the setting of this poem. Of course this is not the poets fault. I do think though that
you place too great an expectation of recognition on the general reader. That is where I think you should focus your attention
on the new edit. Lead the reader into the scene and locality in a more inclusive way.
[/quote]
A Silicon Valley Color Scheme(; Or a Sop to Goethe) Added the alt title with Goethe's 'poetics' (not science) of colors in mind; it's his discussion of the psychological impact of colors on mood and emotions (gaity, excitement, purity, power, youth, age, etc.)--it's an intriguing aesthetics that he intuits; that said, I do have much more in mind in this regard than I (explicitly) present in this brief poem; it takes me some time to part ways with all that I wish to convey and to come to terms with the limits of what I've actually produced on the page--the alt title's days are numbered ;-)
Under the cloud-wisped sky of celestial to Jordy;
Between the thistle and foothills of sienna to coyote;
Upon the shimmering Bay of viridian to sea;
There floats a grassy isle of myrtle to moss, You are correct--isle is better, perhaps because it's softer, an overall
sensibility that I'm shooting for here ; 'islet of myrtle' had a certain immediate
consonance to me such that I never stopped to consider an alternative, but
it's a 'hard' consonance.
Brimming with a colony of pelicans--each one
Achromatic white:
Indistinct, impartial, colorless, 'and' is gone--much better
As distant stars, sunlight, full night. Love your rewrite here (may I use it?); I was hung up--as this poem in particular has often left me--on 'sense'; 'distant' adds a nice rhythm and poetic imagery, even if it's unnecessary for grasping the stars' achromatic character (which I was hung up on), ditto for 'full night', whereas 'dark night' is clunky (and, worse, Batman-esque), but seduced me by emphasizing the (a)chromatic character pertinent here.
Clownish cruiser bicycles,
M&M-top umbrellas,
Giant swirly lollipops−
Green, yellow, red, blue; I genuinely disliked my treatment of the primary colors in these opening three lines (I had juggled the color order a few times, almost going with ending each line with 'blue'); I needed your poke here to get out of my being hell-bent on banging readers over the head with mind-numbing iterations of red, blue, green, yellow; long story, but my impulse in this stanza was precisely to eschew rhyme (there is only one, at the end) and rhythm in exchange for a style and form that was 'techy' stiff and monotonous and pure 'sense' (e.g., [b]a succession of 'em dashes', though I'm unsure if that's actually what they were; Note: I live under a mile from this 'three-headed dog'--enough said?). At the same time, I didn't quite wish to come out and express what I feel; I wanted to remain mainly in a descriptive register, and smuggle some sense of my feelings in the style/form. In any case, don't hesitate to let me know if this change doesn't do it--I'm unsure about it.[/b]
Rainbow optics ornamenting
The sprawling archipelago of specular architecture,
Reflecting gaily the ceaseless swarm of kaleidoscopic Fair enough on viewpoint, but google 'googleplex' and surf through the images--Silly Valley architecture is squat, and the mirrored facades, even in the pictures, do reflect an impressive expanse of the immediate foregrounds; that said, what matters most is what resonates off the page to readers (not what actually reflects off the buildings to viewers). Let me know what you think.
Kids−each one a fractal of chromatic intensity:
Singular, contrastive, vivid, Goodbye (and good riddance) to 'and'
As a perspective, a desire, a fantasy. I really wanted to annihilate the indefinite 'a' articles here, but a couple things leave me hesitant: my aim is to emphasize the singularity of each of these (abstract) things, something that to me seems to require the indefinite articles, especially here, since, for example, 'desire' means something quite different from 'a desire', with the former invoking the psychoanalytic concept that is amorphous and far from 'vivid', and the latter invoking something that 'is' or 'seems to be' within reach, so defensibly 'singular, contrastive, vivid'. Is there that much lost poetically here by leaving these indefinite articles in place?
This is to say it like I see it, or not. Feisty me, is this last stanza. I originally ended the poem after the last line of the 2nd stanza (right where you suggest), and had sat on it that way for a couple days. But I wasn't satisfied that I would get a 'unanimous decision' and so had to go for a knock-out punch. "Like I see it" aims to resonate with the optical orientation here, while "or not" is my poaching of a (Elizabeth) Bishopean trope that qualifies a claim or aim in a gesture of reflexive honesty or even humility (i.e., I might have been shooting for pure description, but have I actually succeeded in circumventing my psyche and leaving out my own feelings and emotions?). Bishop's poems are replete with qualifying or self-questioning 'or's'; but this is not to say that I have pulled this off at all, not to mention with an aplomb anything close to hers (which I would NEVER claim--she is inimitable).
But what am I to make of it? If my (ostensible) register up to now has been optical/seeing/descriptive, here my aim is to cathect, to pull the plug on what I have (sincerely, or not) up to now tried to keep mainly corked, and I do this by making a shameless appeal to what might be my (etymological) 'right' if could presume to be a 'poet', and if by 'poetry' we might mean 'poesis', which means literally 'to make'. So, perhaps too lazily, I have 'made' (imagistically) a tiny piece of poetry wherein I let all too much hang out; hence, (as always) "trivial." In any case, I have broken out the line, performatively staggering it, so that it does not unfold embedded (hidden) within a conventional line of text. I also get the added emphasis of caps with each word, but I wouldn't claim that this works. Your comments here might have set the alarm on the shelf-life of this final stanza :-).
Pelicans
Can't
Hide
Behind
Achromatic
White.
Thank you so much again, dukealien!
A Silicon Valley Color Scheme; Or a Sop to Goethe
Under the cloud-wisped sky of celestial to Jordy; had to look up "Jordy," a very recent synonym for "azure," apparently
Between the thistle and foothills of sienna to coyote;
Upon the shimmering Bay of viridian to sea;
There floats a grassy islet of myrtle to moss, I get that it's small, but could it be "isle" rather than "islet?"
Brimming with a colony of pelicans--each one
Achromatic white:
Indistinct, impartial, and colorless, could do without "and" here
Just like the stars, sunlight, and dark night. could lose "Just" and "the;" "and dark night" stumbles. "full night?"
Clownish cruiser bicycles−yellow, blue, green;
M&M-top umbrellas−blue, red, yellow;
Giant swirly lollipops−green, yellow, red; you must be describing predominant color first in these three lines? Otherwise why the changing order? could that be made explicit, otherwise it looks a bit pointless and repetitive
Rainbow optics ornamenting
The sprawling archipelago of specular architecture, I'm not seeing kids, etc. reflected (specularly) in mirror-windowed buildings - "archtecture" takes the viewpoint up above ground level
Reflecting gayly the ceaseless swarm of kaleidoscopic
Kids−each one a fractal of chromatic intensity:
Singular, contrastive, and vivid,
Just like a perspective, a desire, or a fantasy. Parallelism with the end of S1 noted - need to lose some "a" here. Could the poem then end at this point?
This is to say it like I see it, or not. this line is obscure
But what am I to make of it?
Pelicans
Can't
Hide
Behind
Achromatic
White. seems trivial given the buildup - is this stanza (from "This is to say") disposable?
[/quote]
In a spirit of serioius workshopping..
What this poem lacks in rhythm, it does not quite make up in descriptive density/intensity. It seems, to me, cluttered with "a" and "the" which break up developing rhythms - a few examples noted above, but generally, you might be well advised to remove nearly all of them and add back only where essential to keep the rhythm flowing. Or replace them with more descriptive adjectives, but the poem is already fully packed with those IMHO.
(Title: Goethe wrote about color, but I have trouble casting him as a critic of the scenes described, much less a three-headed dog who must be pacified.)
The structure and richness of detail here are intriguing, but could be made more fun to read. If you'll pardon the rewrite for an example,
Indistinct, impartial, colorless
as sunlight, distant stars, full night.
With those reservations, an enjoyable and well-organized read. Thanks for posting!
[/quote]
Hi Sparkydashforth,
Thank you for your comments! For starters, just to be clear, I don't hold against you your Ohio-ness (;-), as I know all too well from personal experience that we often can't control where we end up living (hence, this poem). I would love to be able to upload for you a picture of the 'specific' pelican colony that inspired my poem. Since I moved to this area 5 months ago, I have run or rode my bike past that pelican colony 2-3 times a week--and in order to reach the Bay, where upon the pelican colony resides, I run or ride LITERALLY right through the heart of the main MV Googleplex. Last weekend was the first first time, on a bike ride, that I decided to bring my poetry books and my computer and my camera (full disclosure, I don't own a smart phone--so, yes, an old fashioned camera). I have a picture of the pelican colony 'brimming' on its isle in the MV Baylands, a very short distance from the Googleplex. I began the poem the night after I returned from that bike ride--referencing my pictures throughout--and finished it the next morning. I would love to upload for you a picture of the pelican colony, but for the tech-illiterate life of me, I cannot figure out how to do so on this site. Can you PM me your private email address?
Mahjong
Hi Mahjong, I think this poem is, or could be very interesting. The theme is a good one, and worth some revision and development.
I agree with much of the previous editorial suggestions made by dukeeallen, so will not belabor those aspects.
My comments are more subjective and reflect a personal reaction, so take them as you find them.
(12-06-2016, 12:39 AM)Mahjong Wrote: A Silicon Valley Color Scheme; Or a Sop to Goethe
Under the cloud-wisped sky of celestial to Jordy; .....I think this 'jordy' reference lays to much of a burden on the not very 'hip' reader like me.
Between the thistle and foothills of sienna to coyote;...........maybe after this line go straight to what is between?
Upon the shimmering Bay of viridian to sea;...........I think the 'upon' feels very old school here.
There floats a grassy islet of myrtle to moss, ................how about myrtle and moss?
Brimming with a colony of pelicans--each one
Achromatic white:...................................I would cut 'brimming' but I'm not a pelican expert - do they brim like gulls for instance?
The only pelicans I am slightly familiar with are the ones in Florida, and they seem to come in all shades of grey and brown.
Indistinct, impartial, and colorless,
Just like the stars, sunlight, and dark night................Just my subjective call, but I would cut 'sunlight and the dark, for the point is made already.
Clownish cruiser bicycles−yellow, blue, green; .................I can see all those tech-types on their clown bikes!
M&M-top umbrellas−blue, red, yellow; ...................Silicone Valley in some outward ways does display a juvenile mien, and manner.
Giant swirly lollipops−green, yellow, red;
Rainbow optics ornamenting
The sprawling archipelago of specular architecture,................I'm not sure where we are here, but I have never visited....so
Reflecting gayly the ceaseless swarm of kaleidoscopic
Kids−each one a fractal of chromatic intensity: ........Just my opinion but I would suggest 'chromatic fantasy' might be more apt.
Singular, contrastive, and vivid,
Just like a perspective, a desire, or a fantasy.............. Yes, you get to the 'fantasy' aspect here. Maybe devolpoe the fantasy theme here
and then end poem.
This is to say it like I see it, or not.
But what am I to make of it?
Pelicans
Can't
Hide
Behind
Achromatic
White.
I live in Ohio and feel very far away from the setting of this poem. Of course this is not the poets fault. I do think though that
you place too great an expectation of recognition on the general reader. That is where I think you should focus your attention
on the new edit. Lead the reader into the scene and locality in a more inclusive way.
[/quote]