11-30-2016, 11:36 AM
RedBaron- True that! It certainly could be laced with much more emotion or bitterness or something! It does have a smidge of weariness to it, kind of a defeated "fine, you win" undertone. Thank you so much for the critique!
@Sparky
Hey! Thank you so much for writing back and giving some input!
Ok, so you do like the first line repeats? Because Mark Cecil says it's repetitive and I was wondering if he's right.. Then again, if I do take out the third stanza as you suggest (because it is unnecessary and that last line isn't true as you point out) then you only hear the line a total of three times which doesn't seem to be too much...
"Is that what you'd like?" Yes, this line is pretty inflammatory and accusatory, especially for the very beginning of the poem. But overall the poem is defensive and is written from the standpoint of someone who is being nagged/looked down on.
"So pristinely white" No, not a race comment. Although I did wonder and kind of figured that some would interpret it that way. I mean it to describe the preceding "guise". As in a guise that is pristinely white, as in flawless. The father maintains the appearance of being perfect and having a flawless (white) record.
I agree about the third stanza. Wasn't really great writing and so it kind of drags the poem down as uncalled for. And also true that good resides in and out of a wallet.
Yeah, that second to last line, I like it and it makes the poem sort of personal for me but overall it just feels really really out of place in the poem. I'll have to think up something else.....
Thank you very much for the critique! I'm glad you liked it and you were very helpful!! ^-^
~Jo
(11-26-2016, 12:10 PM)theredbaron Wrote: It's good that the message is clear, and the writing easy to understand. Though I feel that for this sort of topic, you could add more emotion, use stronger words. It sounds a bit distant to me, not sufficiently personal.
@Sparky
Hey! Thank you so much for writing back and giving some input!
Ok, so you do like the first line repeats? Because Mark Cecil says it's repetitive and I was wondering if he's right.. Then again, if I do take out the third stanza as you suggest (because it is unnecessary and that last line isn't true as you point out) then you only hear the line a total of three times which doesn't seem to be too much...
"Is that what you'd like?" Yes, this line is pretty inflammatory and accusatory, especially for the very beginning of the poem. But overall the poem is defensive and is written from the standpoint of someone who is being nagged/looked down on.
"So pristinely white" No, not a race comment. Although I did wonder and kind of figured that some would interpret it that way. I mean it to describe the preceding "guise". As in a guise that is pristinely white, as in flawless. The father maintains the appearance of being perfect and having a flawless (white) record.
I agree about the third stanza. Wasn't really great writing and so it kind of drags the poem down as uncalled for. And also true that good resides in and out of a wallet.
Yeah, that second to last line, I like it and it makes the poem sort of personal for me but overall it just feels really really out of place in the poem. I'll have to think up something else.....
Thank you very much for the critique! I'm glad you liked it and you were very helpful!! ^-^
~Jo
(11-27-2016, 01:39 AM)Sparkydashforth Wrote: Hi Jo,
A good write this.
(11-23-2016, 07:24 AM)Jo Frumple Wrote: What do you want of me father? The first line repeats in this poem work very well.
You know, I'll never be like you. ......conversational opening fits the subject
Is that what you'd like? ...............not sure about the question - not fair on a silent dad I think.
For a kid who'd be so quick to judge
To scrutinize and dissect all too? I like the pointedness of this, but it does seem a bit preciouses of the child.
What do you want of me father?
A wealth laden career and guise succinctly stated line
So pristinely white? ......race comment or an allusion to being the pillar of his community?
Perhaps a glib well-to-do consort? ...well said.
The pick relies on what his cash buys. excellent and stark observation.
What do you want of me father?
The dismal case prevails through it
No wealth no power
Will ever to you prove the verity
That good resides outside a wallet....................
I think you could do without this stanza. It breaks no new ground and ends on
a false statement. Good resides both in and outside of the wallet.
What do you want of me father?
I'll grow up and go on to do,
With all love in heart,
Searching truth, beauty, goodness for all.......I really dislike this line - far too precious
You know, I'll never be like you.....nice closing line