11-27-2016, 03:41 PM
(11-27-2016, 09:22 AM)CRNDLSM Wrote: Once upon a WiFi,I enjoyed reading this piece, yet a part of me hates what it is. First, the inconsistency. Wi-Fi, WiFi, wifi. Do you see what I mean? It's distracting. Beyond that, even including the line felt silly, but forgivable. Silly is okay, I suppose, but I'm not able to take anything out of this but a whimsical story as a result. One line missed a rhyme, of course. No good reason for that line to lack it. I suggest altering that line significantly.
I spied, the whole world wide, (why the first comma?)
terrorism every night. (starting the line with 'terrorism' felt odd - not in a good way. It left a bad taste)
When the flames touched the sky,
bank accounts went dry,
windows opened (AH!! There's no rhyme here! How could you?!)
and people tried to fly.
Once upon a WiFi,
I spied a private eye
looking for an alibi.
His lonely wife sharpened the knife.
Naive? sigh...
Another murder suicide.
Once upon a WiFi,
I spied a spirit guide
in the corner getting high.
Brains fried,
nowhere to hide
on beyond the great divide. (And this line broke everything good you had going. Really, a fair piece, but this line felt so cliché that it hurt)
Once upon a WiFi,
I spied two ships collide.
I'll never know why
everybody's gonna die.
Once upon a wifi... (oh, the inconsistency)
Now, either I missed the premise set by the title lines, or the execution of that premise (as I see it) failed almost entirely. I am not sure which is the case here. I'll be pondering this for a little while, and may have more to say.
If you're the smartest person in the room, you're in the wrong room.
"Or, if a poet writes a poem, then immediately commits suicide (as any decent poet should)..." -- Erthona
"Or, if a poet writes a poem, then immediately commits suicide (as any decent poet should)..." -- Erthona