11-03-2016, 12:18 PM
Your revision to use "Hephaestus" instead of "a steam trains trod" was a good move. It rhymes with "Staff and patients in the next verse, and feels like a great fit instead of the alliteration of "train" and "trod. Rayheinrich suggested taking out the "around and around". I'd agree, that it was irritating, but I don't think it should be taken out. For me, it broke up the poem enough to make it edgy instead of moody, and gave it a feeling of OCD.
The alliteration between "glare and gait" is a bit odd, as RiverNotch stated. I'm not sure about that one though. It didn't really catch my attention until I'd read it a few times.
The alliteration between "glare and gait" is a bit odd, as RiverNotch stated. I'm not sure about that one though. It didn't really catch my attention until I'd read it a few times.