Wings

[Lizzie]

Edit 2: I decided to go back to the original and rework the poem as one, I think this represents more of what I was aiming at. Thanks for all the feedback and comments, I'm eager to hear what you all think of the rewrite!


Wings

You were there, I heard you. -- 'were there' is bland. It's too passive. The crow is a parasitic rider, to be sure, but not simply passive. Say more about the quality of its presence.
Subtle and soft at my back,
branches barren as I dared to glimpse. -- you could probably just say, 'I heard you: soft at my back, branches barren..." with no loss of meaning.

Creeping into the corners of my life,
a cooling doubt on my days -- cooling doubt? I don't understand how doubt is cooling. And why only in the day, particularly?
never fully formed, you'd spy. -- it reads awkwardly to have the subject and verb crammed into the final corner of this sentence. I'd reword.

Now you've come to the light. -- 'come into the light' is a cliche.
Your glistening feathers seen by all. -- you need a verb in here. I can imply one, as in 'are seen by all' but that's still awkward and not very interesting. I'd choose a verb that assists in bringing the subject to the forefront.
You are the crow come to make claim and you seek shadows no more. -- to claim what? why is it suddenly forgoing the shadows? what changed?

In me though, you find something new. -- don't need 'though'
You will not take me in a fight;
I go on my own, with choice.

You may carry me home,
but I will take you with me first
through what remains of this fragile life.

I do not mind the scars you will bring, 
the beating of your wings or -- you use the wing beating imagery again at the end and more effectively, so I'd choose something else here.
the cackle at my back as you sing. -- cackle is good. This is the kind of exciting, dynamic language that this piece needs more of.

This life is mine before yours.
I will carry you on my shoulder
and show you the hope even you cannot cease. -- 'cannot cease' is bland. Obliterate? Annihilate?

We will go together one day, -- 'go' is bland. Because it is not evocative, you've been forced to include two adverbs in the following sentence to bring the action that you shirked in the original line and relegated to a tacked-on clause. Make the initial verb carry it's weight, and you'll end up with a stronger, simplified sentence.
carried gently and softly away
by the drum beat of your outstretched wings. -- wing flapping as a drumbeat is good imagery

I think that the broad image of a crow on your back is a good one. It's been done before, so you need to make it as unique as possible. Overall, the verbs need to convey much more action and the descriptors need to pack more punch. But, the skeleton of the piece is good and you have lots of material to work from.

I hope this helps some.

Best,

lizziep