I See Yet

[mitsuch]

{FIRST EDITION}
I See Yet

I see us trees
growing to and from one another,
searching for the same light.
Yet you do not see me

I see us stars
Shining in the same sky
bright and indifferent.
Yet you do not see me

I see us drops
thundering from the dark clouds,
pattering on the self-same ground.
Yet you do not see me.

I see us buds
awaiting our evolution,
upon the grey-green fields.
I bloom.
You will see me.



I know this poem may seem superficial and pretentious to some, however it holds great meaning to me. I would earnestly request you to try and put yourself in it and feel what you may relate to. All advice and criticism is welcome, I am open to hard criticism so please do not hold back. I appreciate each post. Thank you.

[kolemath]

an interesting interconnectedness of nature emerges from the patterned opening lines from each stanza, as if trees, etc. are all one.  i'm not sure stars fits though, as the poem appears to be about tree growth. maybe stars fits though on second though, because, well, the sun.  i'm just not sure outer space is relevant here. 

some line comments

{FIRST EDITION}
I See Yet

I see us trees
growing to and from one another,
searching for the same light.
Yet you do not see me do you need yet?

I see us stars
Shining in the same sky no caps on shining
bright and indifferent. this line is weaker than the others
Yet you do not see me repetition works well in the poem

I see us drops
thundering from the dark clouds,
pattering on the self-same ground. same-self ties the theme of interconnectedness together and is just plain interesting 
Yet you do not see me.

I see us buds
awaiting our evolution, at first read, i didn't like evolution, but on the second reading i think i works
upon the grey-green fields. this line is weaker than the others
I bloom.
You will see me. didn't use yet here and it reads better to me



I know this poem may seem superficial and pretentious to some, however it holds great meaning to me. I would earnestly request you to try and put yourself in it and feel what you may relate to. All advice and criticism is welcome, I am open to hard criticism so please do not hold back. I appreciate each post. Thank you.

thanks for posting

[mitsuch]

an interesting interconnectedness of nature emerges from the patterned opening lines from each stanza, as if trees, etc. are all one.  i'm not sure stars fits though, as the poem appears to be about tree growth. maybe stars fits though on second though, because, well, the sun.  i'm just not sure outer space is relevant here. 

some line comments

{FIRST EDITION}
I See Yet

I see us trees
growing to and from one another,
searching for the same light.
Yet you do not see me do you need yet?

I see us stars
Shining in the same sky no caps on shining
bright and indifferent. this line is weaker than the others
Yet you do not see me repetition works well in the poem

I see us drops
thundering from the dark clouds,
pattering on the self-same ground. same-self ties the theme of interconnectedness together and is just plain interesting 
Yet you do not see me.

I see us buds
awaiting our evolution, at first read, i didn't like evolution, but on the second reading i think i works
upon the grey-green fields. this line is weaker than the others
I bloom.
You will see me. didn't use yet here and it reads better to me



I know this poem may seem superficial and pretentious to some, however it holds great meaning to me. I would earnestly request you to try and put yourself in it and feel what you may relate to. All advice and criticism is welcome, I am open to hard criticism so please do not hold back. I appreciate each post. Thank you.

thanks for posting

Hi! Thanks for the reply! I'd just like to state that the words here are all metaphors of nature and the universe but they refer to humanity. I really liked your suggestion to drop the YET. It seemed appropriate when writing the poem fr some reason. I'll take your other suggestions into account once I reach home. Thanks again!

[Achebe]

{FIRST EDITION}
I See Yet

I see us trees
growing to and from one another,
searching for the same light.
Yet you do not see me

I see us stars
Shining in the same sky
bright and indifferent.
Yet you do not see me

I see us drops
thundering from the dark clouds,
pattering on the self-same ground.
Yet you do not see me.

I see us buds
awaiting our evolution,
upon the grey-green fields.
I bloom.
You will see me.



I know this poem may seem superficial and pretentious to some, however it holds great meaning to me. I would earnestly request you to try and put yourself in it and feel what you may relate to. All advice and criticism is welcome, I am open to hard criticism so please do not hold back. I appreciate each post. Thank you.

Why the twist in the last stanza? There's no explanation for the sudden ability to see you. A bloom amongst blooms is a tree amongst trees.

[mitsuch]

{FIRST EDITION}
I See Yet

I see us trees
growing to and from one another,
searching for the same light.
Yet you do not see me

I see us stars
Shining in the same sky
bright and indifferent.
Yet you do not see me

I see us drops
thundering from the dark clouds,
pattering on the self-same ground.
Yet you do not see me.

I see us buds
awaiting our evolution,
upon the grey-green fields.
I bloom.
You will see me.



I know this poem may seem superficial and pretentious to some, however it holds great meaning to me. I would earnestly request you to try and put yourself in it and feel what you may relate to. All advice and criticism is welcome, I am open to hard criticism so please do not hold back. I appreciate each post. Thank you.

Why the twist in the last stanza? There's no explanation for the sudden ability to see you. A bloom amongst blooms is a tree amongst trees.

It is when we bloom that we differentiate.

[Achebe]

{FIRST EDITION}
I See Yet

I see us trees
growing to and from one another,
searching for the same light.
Yet you do not see me

I see us stars
Shining in the same sky
bright and indifferent.
Yet you do not see me

I see us drops
thundering from the dark clouds,
pattering on the self-same ground.
Yet you do not see me.

I see us buds
awaiting our evolution,
upon the grey-green fields.
I bloom.
You will see me.



I know this poem may seem superficial and pretentious to some, however it holds great meaning to me. I would earnestly request you to try and put yourself in it and feel what you may relate to. All advice and criticism is welcome, I am open to hard criticism so please do not hold back. I appreciate each post. Thank you.

Why the twist in the last stanza? There's no explanation for the sudden ability to see you. A bloom amongst blooms is a tree amongst trees.

It is when we bloom that we differentiate.

And when trees grow cells differentiate. Two trees are not alike. Neither are two stars, unless you think that Sirius and Polaris are one and the same. To hold out two flowers as being examples of differentiation in contrast to the rest isn't convincing.

[QDeathstar]

Two trees aren't alike? They both got bark, have leaves, and grow in the forest???..

I think the last stanza needs some work. This appears to be a love poem of some sort, however the you will see me sounds threatening.... it makes you come out to be a creeper.

self-same ground is non-sensical. Your list... trees, stars, drops... is just that, a list. Theres no reason there, no second layer. Why not vines, comets, or snowflakes. There isn't anything unique about the random objects you've chosen to create unconnected metaphors.

it's great that the poem means something to you, but the preamble is completely worthless. Who cares if the poem means something to you. Don't ask for critique when what you really want is praise. Show it to your mom or post it on facebook.

[mitsuch]

Two trees aren't alike? They both got bark, have leaves, and grow in the forest???..

I think the last stanza needs some work. This appears to be a love poem of some sort, however the you will see me sounds threatening.... it makes you come out to be a creeper.

self-same ground is non-sensical. Your list... trees, stars, drops... is just that, a list. Theres no reason there, no second layer. Why not vines, comets, or snowflakes. There isn't anything unique about the random objects you've chosen to create unconnected metaphors.

it's great that the poem means something to you, but the preamble is completely worthless. Who cares if the poem means something to you. Don't ask for critique when what you really want is praise. Show it to your mom or post it on facebook.

I completely understand what youre saying. I see that now. There isn't a second layer... thats quite helpful actually. I really didnt post it for praise, I expected hard critique, and it is what I got. The message was just to say that i can see how it would look pretentious but it isnt meant to be. Your input is actually quite valuable to me so I genuinely thank you. This is a forum where people aren't easily impressed and that is what I love about it. When writing my next piece Ill keep your words in mind.

Why the twist in the last stanza? There's no explanation for the sudden ability to see you. A bloom amongst blooms is a tree amongst trees.

It is when we bloom that we differentiate.

And when trees grow cells differentiate. Two trees are not alike. Neither are two stars, unless you think that Sirius and Polaris are one and the same. To hold out two flowers as being examples of differentiation in contrast to the rest isn't convincing.

The point was to show that even in our interconnectedness and uniqueness the bloom is what differentiates but I can see that I have failed to do just that. I completely understand where youre coming from and when looking at from your perspective, I can see how unconvincing these words are. Thank you for your feedback, I'll work on this in my next piece.

[billy]

leave the personals out of the feedback /billy if you want to bring something up other than feedback to the poem use the pig's or the poetry discussion forum please

Two trees aren't alike? They both got bark, have leaves, and grow in the forest???..

I think the last stanza needs some work. This appears to be a love poem of some sort, however the you will see me sounds threatening.... it makes you come out to be a creeper.

self-same ground is non-sensical. Your list... trees, stars,  drops... is just that, a list. Theres no reason there, no second layer.  Why not vines, comets, or snowflakes. There isn't anything unique about the random objects you've chosen to create unconnected metaphors.

it's great that the poem means something to you, but the preamble is completely worthless. Who cares if the poem means something to you. Don't ask for critique when what you really want is praise. Show it to your mom or post it on facebook.

[Mark Cecil]

I think you need better structure and a more natural progression in your poem. Lets say through the seasons with one stanza per season with the bloom of spring your conclusion. Or a progression of one day with an additional stanza on the sun after stanza one and the stanza on the stars the penultimate one which marks the end of the day and the final stanza the next day with the flowers blooming.

[HaleINthewind]

{FIRST EDITION}
I See Yet

I see us trees
growing to and from one another,  (I like this image, the idea of trees growing in different directions sometimes coming together sometimes not works well )
searching for the same light.
Yet you do not see me

I see us stars
Shining in the same sky
bright and indifferent. ( with what kolemath was saying not strong, because it doesn't add anything, it is filling space. I think even saying something like  brightly indifferent or with bright indifference would work better. There is no clear message with this line.  Thats what makes it weaker.
Yet you do not see me

I see us drops
thundering from the dark clouds, ( maybe I am being over critical here but drops don't thunder so I am a bit lost in this meaning.
pattering on the self-same ground. ( This works well to highlight the separate drops ending in the same pace becoming the same)
Yet you do not see me.

I see us buds
awaiting our evolution,
upon the grey-green fields. ( I can see how this is not a strong image. It is hard to picture and doesn't evoke a sense of whats happening like your tree metaphor in the first stanza. Is grey- green suggesting its green but still kinda grey and not really all that nice and lush? It kinda seems like filler and doesn't really add to the understanding. There is definitely a better way to add to the poem in this line.
I bloom.
You will see me.



I know this poem may seem superficial and pretentious to some, however it holds great meaning to me. I would earnestly request you to try and put yourself in it and feel what you may relate to. All advice and criticism is welcome, I am open to hard criticism so please do not hold back. I appreciate each post. Thank you.

I agree with the others about the yet , it seems unnecessary and I think it takes strength out of the concept of you not being seen. Also the ending is a bit anti- climactic. Not much has changed from the beginner of the poem to the end. You guys are two in the same but different and then what? I guess all in all I didnt have much new to say about this but hopefully clarifying why those lines are weaker helps. This poem makes me want to know will the two ever be people together. even being seen doesnt mean being together. You can be seen then rejected. Thnks for the read.

[Lizzie]

Hi mitsuch. I have a couple of comments for you.

{FIRST EDITION}
I See Yet

I see us trees -- these initial lines (including the ones on following stanzas) would read more smoothly to me if you had 'as' before the objects, like "I see us as trees" "I see us as stars", etc.
growing to and from one another,  -- I don't understand how trees can grow in two different directions.
searching for the same light.
Yet you do not see me -- so, if the trees are in direct competition with one another for sunlight, and they're close to one another in physical space, how do they not "see" one another? We see our neighbors in some capacity. I just don't know how a tree would acknowledge the presence of another. I'm having the same issue with stars, drops, flowers -- I don't know how they would go about seeing each other.

I see us stars
Shining in the same sky
bright and indifferent. -- it doesn't seem like the speaker is indifferent, so there needs to be some kind of contrast that indicates that the indifferent one is the other
Yet you do not see me

I see us drops
thundering from the dark clouds,
pattering on the self-same ground.
Yet you do not see me.

I see us buds
awaiting our evolution,
upon the grey-green fields.
I bloom. -- perhaps, I will bloom and then you will see me?
You will see me.



I know this poem may seem superficial and pretentious to some, however it holds great meaning to me. I would earnestly request you to try and put yourself in it and feel what you may relate to. All advice and criticism is welcome, I am open to hard criticism so please do not hold back. I appreciate each post. Thank you.

Hope this helps some,

lizziep

[Krakus]

This might be a bit of a weak critique, but I actually got a very personal message from this poem. The last few lines, saying you'll bloom and be seen, makes it sound self centered. It's beautiful though. Up until that point, the entire poem was about how everything is interconnected. Which brings it together to me. It really seems more like an analogy for two people realizing, or waiting to realize what they are to eachother, and how they can both see how brilliant they each are.