10-26-2016, 01:48 AM
Maybe I don't like good poetry- unrefined or something- but I originally liked your first edit better. Trading jagged for colossal doesn't do anything for me. I don't really understand what difference it made, other than adding a jaggedness to that line instead of the more smooth colossal. Now I am realizing after re reading this multiple times over the weeks, that the loss of I want over and over really allows the images to flow much more clearly. I still dont get the purpose or jagged but oh well. I wish I had more "Critique" but I thought it worked before and I still do. I also like the change to more of a present tense in the beginning it makes it more real more tangible.