Here is my latest edit. I got a lot of good feedback since my edit, and I wanted to show that I took it heart. I did my best to incorporate the advice. The goal was: Cut the unnecessary repetition, try to get rid of some cliches, and i did my best to make it more rhythmic but I'm not usually one to count syllables on every line. The opera singer in me finds a way to make it sound rhythmic in my head no matter what I write. Let me know if you all like the changes!
***Second Edit***
Watching shadows cast by clouds
dance on jagged mountains.
Feeling warm wind on my skin
like your soft exhale on my neck.
Being the cards you count on
when only desperation remains.
Sleeping with the lights on
because our love never sleeps.
Treasuring paint and canvas
that looks back with earnest eyes.
The soft song you hear
drifting from dream to dream
Learning a foreign tongue,
finding new ways to share our love.
Changing our names and traveling,
our true identities our secret.
My only truth is you,
and my only lie an end.
Barely making ends meet,
counting quarters from the couch.
Living off of ramen noodles,
your warmth is all I need.
Dumpster diving every Sunday,
I’m willing to take that leap.
I want our love up close and personal,
our eyes locked, bodies touching.
I want to be wherever you are.
because together we are unlimited.
But I will love you from the greatest distance,
when your heart isn’t lying next to mine.
Love is wherever we are.
***First Edit***
I want to watch shadows cast by clouds
dance on colossal mountains.
I want to feel warm wind on my skin
like your soft exhale on my neck.
I want to be the cards you count on
when desperation is all that remains.
I want to sleep with the lights on
because our love never sleeps.
I want to treasure paint and canvas
that looks back at me with honest eyes.
I want to be the soft song you hear
as you drift from dream to dream
I want to learn a foreign tongue,
to find another way to share our love.
I want to change our names and travel,
our true identities could be our secret.
I want my only truth to be you,
and my only lie to be an end.
I want to barely make ends meet,
counting quarters from the couch.
I want to live off of ramen noodles,
because your warmth is all I need.
I want to dumpster dive every Sunday,
I’m prepared to take that leap.
I want our love up close and personal,
our eyes locked and bodies touching.
I want to be where you are, wherever you are.
because when we are together we are infinite.
But I will love you from the greatest distance,
when your heart isn’t lying in bed next to mine.
Love is wherever we are.
*****Original*****
I want to watch the shadows cast by clouds
dance on the mountains.
I want to feel the warm wind on my skin
like your soft exhale on my neck.
I want to be the cards you count on
when desperation is all that remains.
I want to sleep with the lights on
because our love never sleeps.
I want to treasure the paint and canvas
that looks back at me with honest eyes.
I want to be the soft song you hear
as you drift from dream to dream
I want to learn a foreign tongue,
to find another way to share our love.
I want to change our names and travel,
our true identities could be our secret.
I want my only truth to be you,
and my only lie to be an end.
I want to barely make ends meet,
counting quarters from the couch.
I want to live off of ramen noodles,
because warmth is all I really need.
I want to dumpster dive every Sunday,
I’m ready to take that leap, with you
I want our love to be up close and personal,
our eyes locked and our bodies touching.
I want to be where you are, wherever you are.
because when we are together I feel infinite.
But I will love you from the greatest distance,
because your heart never seems to be very far.
Love is wherever we are.
***Your advice is always appreciated! Thank you for your time and energy.
The whole thing is BEAUTIFUL but this is where the poem really gets good for me!
I want to barely make ends meet,
counting quarters from the couch.
I want to live off of ramen noodles,
because warmth is all I really need.
(rewrite: because your warmth is all I need)
I want to dumpster dive
every Sunday,
(each?)
I’m ready to take that leap
, with you (Can we assume you mean with her? Rewrite: I'm prepared to take that leap)
I want our love to be up close and personal,
our eyes locked and
our bodies touching.
(is "our" needed? I'm not sure but it sounds better without it.)
I want to be where you are
, wherever you are.
because when we are together I feel infinite.
(I feel like infinite has more to do with quantity or an amount of something. Maybe invincible? Rewrite: Because with you I feel invincible - or - Together we are infinite?)
But I will love you from the greatest distance,
because your heart never seems to be very far.
(I don't think this last sentence is quite fluid or coherent. Maybe rewrite: I will love you from a distance even when your heart is far)
I also really enjoy the line "I want to change our names and travel," reminds me of me and my hubby!
Good job 
(09-15-2016, 06:34 AM)89layers Wrote: [ -> ]The whole thing is BEAUTIFUL but this is where the poem really gets good for me!
I want to barely make ends meet,
counting quarters from the couch.
I want to live off of ramen noodles,
because warmth is all I really need. (rewrite: because your warmth is all I need)
I want to dumpster dive every Sunday, (each?)
I’m ready to take that leap, with you (Can we assume you mean with her? Rewrite: I'm prepared to take that leap)
I want our love to be up close and personal,
our eyes locked and our bodies touching. (is "our" needed? I'm not sure but it sounds better without it.)
I want to be where you are, wherever you are.
because when we are together I feel infinite. (I feel like infinite has more to do with quantity or an amount of something. Maybe invincible? Rewrite: Because with you I feel invincible - or - Together we are infinite?)
But I will love you from the greatest distance,
because your heart never seems to be very far. (I don't think this last sentence is quite fluid or coherent. Maybe rewrite: I will love you from a distance even when your heart is far)
I also really enjoy the line "I want to change our names and travel," reminds me of me and my hubby!
Good job
Thank you!
I love your suggestions. I have made some edits, but I'll wait a few more days before I post the edit! I like it more already, thanks again.
(09-15-2016, 04:44 AM)operadiva Wrote: [ -> ]I want to watch the shadows cast by clouds
dance on the mountains.
I want to feel the warm wind on my skin
like your soft exhale on my neck.
I want to be the cards you count on
when desperation is all that remains.
That whole above stanza has very effective imagery as does the one below. Really brings me into your poem - keeps my attention
I want to sleep with the lights on
because our love never sleeps.
I want to treasure the paint and canvas
that looks back at me with honest eyes.
I want to be the soft song you hear
as you drift from dream to dream
I want to learn a foreign tongue,
to find another way to share our love.
I want to change our names and travel,
our true identities could be our secret.
I want my only truth to be you,
and my only lie to be an end.
I want to barely make ends meet,
counting quarters from the couch. ( this line is wonderful with the alliteration of counting and couch and even quarters almost feels like it fits. Very fun to say aloud and read)
I want to live off of ramen noodles,
because warmth is all I really need. ( I do agree about the your warmth for clarity, that stuck out on my first readthrough)
I want to dumpster dive every Sunday, ( I am not sure what switching every to each Sunday would do. I think I would leave it with every )
I’m ready to take that leap, with you ( I do agree cutting with you out helps the rhythm, Unless its a meter thing - then I cant help you)
I want our love to be up close and personal,
our eyes locked and our bodies touching.
I want to be where you are, wherever you are.
because when we are together I feel infinite.
But I will love you from the greatest distance,
because your heart never seems to be very far. ( I may just not be getting something but I wonder if you could re- word the last two lines of this stanza to have more of a punch . I can almost taste it but only almost.
Love is wherever we are.
***Your advice is always appreciated! Thank you for your time and energy.
I have not critiqued someone else's work since I was in high school ( 5 years ago) ; however I hope you still get something useful out of my ramblings. This poem has a nice flow and almost bouncing rhythm. Lots of good use of imagery and poetic devices like similes. There isn't anything that sticks out to me as totally detrimental here. Thanks for the read!
(09-15-2016, 04:44 AM)operadiva Wrote: [ -> ]I want to watch the shadows cast by clouds
dance on the mountains.
I want to feel the warm wind on my skin
like your soft exhale on my neck.
I want to be the cards you count on
when desperation is all that remains.
I want to sleep with the lights on
because our love never sleeps.
I want to treasure the paint and canvas
that looks back at me with honest eyes.
I want to be the soft song you hear
as you drift from dream to dream
I want to learn a foreign tongue,
to find another way to share our love.
I want to change our names and travel,
our true identities could be our secret.
I want my only truth to be you,
and my only lie to be an end.
I want to barely make ends meet,
counting quarters from the couch.
I want to live off of ramen noodles,
because warmth is all I really need.
I want to dumpster dive every Sunday,
I’m ready to take that leap, with you
I want our love to be up close and personal,
our eyes locked and our bodies touching.
I want to be where you are, wherever you are.
because when we are together I feel infinite.
But I will love you from the greatest distance,
because your heart never seems to be very far.
Love is wherever we are.
***Your advice is always appreciated! Thank you for your time and energy.
operadiva,
When reading this poem I felt restricted. For example; L1 of S1 you're telling me that you want to watch "the shadows" when it would flow so freely
without "the".
And in L6 of S5 you've wrote:
your heart seems to be very far and
to be isn't needed to achieve your ending.
Your heart never seems very far works fine.
My suggestion for revision is to go back through the poem, find areas where you've used
be, that, really, etc and see what happens when you take them out.
Good work.
Luna
(09-15-2016, 04:44 AM)operadiva Wrote: [ -> ]***Edit***
I want to watch shadows cast by clouds
dance on colossal mountains.
I want to feel warm wind on my skin
like your soft exhale on my neck.
I want to be the cards you count on
when desperation is all that remains.
I want to sleep with the lights on
because our love never sleeps.
I want to treasure paint and canvas
that looks back at me with honest eyes.
I want to be the soft song you hear
as you drift from dream to dream
I want to learn a foreign tongue,
to find another way to share our love.
I want to change our names and travel,
our true identities could be our secret.
I want my only truth to be you,
and my only lie to be an end.
I want to barely make ends meet,
counting quarters from the couch.
I want to live off of ramen noodles,
because your warmth is all I need.
I want to dumpster dive every Sunday,
I’m prepared to take that leap.
I want our love up close and personal,
our eyes locked and bodies touching.
I want to be where you are, wherever you are.
because when we are together we are infinite.
But I will love you from the greatest distance,
when your heart isn’t lying in bed next to mine.
Love is wherever we are.
*****Original*****
I want to watch the shadows cast by clouds
dance on the mountains.
I want to feel the warm wind on my skin
like your soft exhale on my neck.
I want to be the cards you count on
when desperation is all that remains.
I want to sleep with the lights on
because our love never sleeps.
I want to treasure the paint and canvas ( I really love this bit, a potent image to me anyway)
that looks back at me with honest eyes.
I want to be the soft song you hear
as you drift from dream to dream
I want to learn a foreign tongue,
to find another way to share our love.
I want to change our names and travel,
our true identities could be our secret.
I want my only truth to be you,
and my only lie to be an end.
I want to barely make ends meet,
counting quarters from the couch.
I want to live off of ramen noodles,
because warmth is all I really need.
I want to dumpster dive every Sunday,
I’m ready to take that leap, with you
I want our love to be up close and personal,
our eyes locked and our bodies touching.
I want to be where you are, wherever you are.
because when we are together I feel infinite.
But I will love you from the greatest distance,
because your heart never seems to be very far.
Love is wherever we are.
***Your advice is always appreciated! Thank you for your time and energy.
Operadiva, This poem to me reads much more smoothly, it seems you got ride of some of the excess and the ending is much more clear now. I thoroughly enjoy reading this. It is not overly complicated and to the point, and it feels like a sweet daydream to me. The only thing I could maybe says is S3 L 6 the and of, " and my only lie to be an end," may be unneeded. Maybe someone with more technical knowledge will see something, but through my beginner eyes I see a clean well written poem. Thanks for being so quick with an edit it is fun watching the metamorphosis from the outside.
Hi opera - you might want to avoid:
1. repetition (too many 'I wants')
2. cliches ('colossal mountains', 'are infinite')
3. losing track of what you were saying (that you're PREPARED to go dumpster diving is not the same as saying that you WANT to live off ramen noodles. It's not clear as to why you'd want to be poor, it's different that you might not mind being poor, etc.)
But more importantly, there needs to be some sort of rhythm in your poem.
In the end, a poem is a song or a painting. It is not a list.
So you could try rearranging the words and getting a cadence going.
Example:
I want to learn a foreign tongue,
and find another way
to share our love; to change names
and travel,
our true identities a secret,
my only truth being you.
I want to barely make ends meet,
counting quarters from the couch,
and living
off ramen noodles,
my only warmth being you.
etc.
Hey! thank you for your feedback. I tried to make some changes based on your critiques. Let me know if you think I was successful in improving my work!
Hi opera - you might want to avoid:
1. repetition (too many 'I wants')
2. cliches ('colossal mountains', 'are infinite')
3. losing track of what you were saying (that you're PREPARED to go dumpster diving is not the same as saying that you WANT to live off ramen noodles. It's not clear as to why you'd want to be poor, it's different that you might not mind being poor, etc.)
But more importantly, there needs to be some sort of rhythm in your poem.
In the end, a poem is a song or a painting. It is not a list.
So you could try rearranging the words and getting a cadence going.
Example:
I want to learn a foreign tongue,
and find another way
to share our love; to change names
and travel,
our true identities a secret,
my only truth being you.
I want to barely make ends meet,
counting quarters from the couch,
and living
off ramen noodles,
my only warmth being you.
etc.
[/quote]
Hi, operadiva! I've read through both versions, and I'm sorry to say I liked the first one best, and here's why:
First, the sentence construction you have going on in the first strophes is not correct. For instance, "Watching shadows cast....mountains" is not a complete sentence. It is a verbal clause. This could be rather easily remedied, but I thought that there was a power in the first version around "I want" that's getting lost in this one. The continual repetition of those exact words "I want" did get a little tiresome, to be sure, but there was a straightforward strength to it, where this version makes it seem like you're already doing those things. Personally, I'd just rather have complete sentences.
(09-15-2016, 04:44 AM)operadiva Wrote: [ -> ]***Second Edit***
Watching shadows cast by clouds
dance on jagged mountains.
Feeling warm wind on my skin
like your soft exhale on my neck.
Being the cards you count on
when only desperation remains.
Sleeping with the lights on
because our love never sleeps. -- I like the content here
Treasuring paint and canvas
that looks back with earnest eyes. -- This image is a little off to me. The painting has eyes? Maybe.
The soft song you hear
drifting from dream to dream -- a little abstract, I think.
Learning a foreign tongue,
finding new ways to share our love. -- This is very vague. Doesn't add anything, to my reading.
Changing our names and traveling,
our true identities our secret. -- this is good, reinforces the intimacy
My only truth is you,
and my only lie an end.
Barely making ends meet,
counting quarters from the couch.
Living off of ramen noodles,
your warmth is all I need.
Dumpster diving every Sunday,
I’m willing to take that leap. -- I thought that this strophe was the strongest in the poem, but the one in the first version. It looses so much of its strength when it's taken away from the idea that it's a hope, a vision that you'd like for the future. I wouldn't have changed anything from the first version.
I want our love up close and personal, -- Up close and personal is a cliche.
our eyes locked, bodies touching.
I want to be wherever you are. -- comma here?
because together we are unlimited.
But I will love you from the greatest distance,
when your heart isn’t lying next to mine.
Love is wherever we are. -- I like this line.
***First Edit***
I want to watch shadows cast by clouds
dance on colossal mountains.
I want to feel warm wind on my skin
like your soft exhale on my neck.
I want to be the cards you count on
when desperation is all that remains.
I want to sleep with the lights on
because our love never sleeps.
I want to treasure paint and canvas
that looks back at me with honest eyes.
I want to be the soft song you hear
as you drift from dream to dream
I want to learn a foreign tongue,
to find another way to share our love.
I want to change our names and travel,
our true identities could be our secret.
I want my only truth to be you,
and my only lie to be an end.
I want to barely make ends meet,
counting quarters from the couch.
I want to live off of ramen noodles,
because your warmth is all I need.
I want to dumpster dive every Sunday,
I’m prepared to take that leap. -- this strophe (even though it's from a previous version, is a highlight for me.
I want our love up close and personal,
our eyes locked and bodies touching.
I want to be where you are, wherever you are.
because when we are together we are infinite.
But I will love you from the greatest distance,
when your heart isn’t lying in bed next to mine.
Love is wherever we are.
*****Original*****
I want to watch the shadows cast by clouds
dance on the mountains.
I want to feel the warm wind on my skin
like your soft exhale on my neck.
I want to be the cards you count on
when desperation is all that remains.
I want to sleep with the lights on
because our love never sleeps.
I want to treasure the paint and canvas
that looks back at me with honest eyes.
I want to be the soft song you hear
as you drift from dream to dream
I want to learn a foreign tongue,
to find another way to share our love.
I want to change our names and travel,
our true identities could be our secret.
I want my only truth to be you,
and my only lie to be an end.
I want to barely make ends meet,
counting quarters from the couch.
I want to live off of ramen noodles,
because warmth is all I really need.
I want to dumpster dive every Sunday,
I’m ready to take that leap, with you
I want our love to be up close and personal,
our eyes locked and our bodies touching.
I want to be where you are, wherever you are.
because when we are together I feel infinite.
But I will love you from the greatest distance,
because your heart never seems to be very far.
Love is wherever we are.
***Your advice is always appreciated! Thank you for your time and energy.
You've got a lot of good stuff going on here, I just think you need to work on your sentence structure and decide whether this is a description of the present or a hope for the future.
Best,
Luke
Thank you for your thoughts. I probably won't post another edit on the thread, but I wanted to let you know that I made some changes after reading your comments. Thank you again for your help.
(10-10-2016, 01:08 AM)Bueller Wrote: [ -> ]Hi, operadiva! I've read through both versions, and I'm sorry to say I liked the first one best, and here's why:
First, the sentence construction you have going on in the first strophes is not correct. For instance, "Watching shadows cast....mountains" is not a complete sentence. It is a verbal clause. This could be rather easily remedied, but I thought that there was a power in the first version around "I want" that's getting lost in this one. The continual repetition of those exact words "I want" did get a little tiresome, to be sure, but there was a straightforward strength to it, where this version makes it seem like you're already doing those things. Personally, I'd just rather have complete sentences.
(09-15-2016, 04:44 AM)operadiva Wrote: [ -> ]***Second Edit***
Watching shadows cast by clouds
dance on jagged mountains.
Feeling warm wind on my skin
like your soft exhale on my neck.
Being the cards you count on
when only desperation remains.
Sleeping with the lights on
because our love never sleeps. -- I like the content here
Treasuring paint and canvas
that looks back with earnest eyes. -- This image is a little off to me. The painting has eyes? Maybe.
The soft song you hear
drifting from dream to dream -- a little abstract, I think.
Learning a foreign tongue,
finding new ways to share our love. -- This is very vague. Doesn't add anything, to my reading.
Changing our names and traveling,
our true identities our secret. -- this is good, reinforces the intimacy
My only truth is you,
and my only lie an end.
Barely making ends meet,
counting quarters from the couch.
Living off of ramen noodles,
your warmth is all I need.
Dumpster diving every Sunday,
I’m willing to take that leap. -- I thought that this strophe was the strongest in the poem, but the one in the first version. It looses so much of its strength when it's taken away from the idea that it's a hope, a vision that you'd like for the future. I wouldn't have changed anything from the first version.
I want our love up close and personal, -- Up close and personal is a cliche.
our eyes locked, bodies touching.
I want to be wherever you are. -- comma here?
because together we are unlimited.
But I will love you from the greatest distance,
when your heart isn’t lying next to mine.
Love is wherever we are. -- I like this line.
***First Edit***
I want to watch shadows cast by clouds
dance on colossal mountains.
I want to feel warm wind on my skin
like your soft exhale on my neck.
I want to be the cards you count on
when desperation is all that remains.
I want to sleep with the lights on
because our love never sleeps.
I want to treasure paint and canvas
that looks back at me with honest eyes.
I want to be the soft song you hear
as you drift from dream to dream
I want to learn a foreign tongue,
to find another way to share our love.
I want to change our names and travel,
our true identities could be our secret.
I want my only truth to be you,
and my only lie to be an end.
I want to barely make ends meet,
counting quarters from the couch.
I want to live off of ramen noodles,
because your warmth is all I need.
I want to dumpster dive every Sunday,
I’m prepared to take that leap. -- this strophe (even though it's from a previous version, is a highlight for me.
I want our love up close and personal,
our eyes locked and bodies touching.
I want to be where you are, wherever you are.
because when we are together we are infinite.
But I will love you from the greatest distance,
when your heart isn’t lying in bed next to mine.
Love is wherever we are.
*****Original*****
I want to watch the shadows cast by clouds
dance on the mountains.
I want to feel the warm wind on my skin
like your soft exhale on my neck.
I want to be the cards you count on
when desperation is all that remains.
I want to sleep with the lights on
because our love never sleeps.
I want to treasure the paint and canvas
that looks back at me with honest eyes.
I want to be the soft song you hear
as you drift from dream to dream
I want to learn a foreign tongue,
to find another way to share our love.
I want to change our names and travel,
our true identities could be our secret.
I want my only truth to be you,
and my only lie to be an end.
I want to barely make ends meet,
counting quarters from the couch.
I want to live off of ramen noodles,
because warmth is all I really need.
I want to dumpster dive every Sunday,
I’m ready to take that leap, with you
I want our love to be up close and personal,
our eyes locked and our bodies touching.
I want to be where you are, wherever you are.
because when we are together I feel infinite.
But I will love you from the greatest distance,
because your heart never seems to be very far.
Love is wherever we are.
***Your advice is always appreciated! Thank you for your time and energy.
You've got a lot of good stuff going on here, I just think you need to work on your sentence structure and decide whether this is a description of the present or a hope for the future.
Best,
Luke
This is a really moving and beautiful poem and I can see you've made a big improvement from the previous edits by taking out a lot of the repetition. The only thing I would point out is the line "sleeping with the light on, because our love never sleeps" I think this sounds a bit corny. I wonder if you could think of the light as a metaphor rather than literal e.g. "The light of our love remains, And it will never sleep" I'm just thinking off the top of my head I'm sure you can think of something better.
Maybe I don't like good poetry- unrefined or something- but I originally liked your first edit better. Trading jagged for colossal doesn't do anything for me. I don't really understand what difference it made, other than adding a jaggedness to that line instead of the more smooth colossal. Now I am realizing after re reading this multiple times over the weeks, that the loss of I want over and over really allows the images to flow much more clearly. I still dont get the purpose or jagged but oh well. I wish I had more "Critique" but I thought it worked before and I still do. I also like the change to more of a present tense in the beginning it makes it more real more tangible.