10-20-2016, 06:24 AM
I have to admit I find the old version stronger. The line "Sunday ended like a dung beetles heap" is an opening that makes me more curious and it is more surprising and mysterious at the same time. I actually like that in the third stanza things smooth down a little and there is a moment of resignationthat is beautifully introduced by the vague presence in the line "Only that which rose above or stood out starkly". It's a very atmospheric poem and I enjoy it very much. Only thing that doesn't seem to work is the line "and magnificent". It doesn't add anything, which is weird, because the word itself is so heavy, but maybe that's the problem? Maybe try to put just the word "magnificient" as a fourth line in that stanza.