Edit 3
Sunday night resembled a dung beetle's heap,
but with a steady, broken sibilance at 2 a.m.,
the rain had hushed uncertainties,
save the spasmodic grating of a rusted iron gate.
On Monday, when the dentist opened,
my cavernous tooth was chiseled out
and placed into a pan.
Declaring sick leave,
a couple days slid into chrysalis and died.
Edit 1
Only that which rose above or stood out starkly
could be seen in the evaporating mist.
An oak swayed gently and unladen,
decades older than I had imagined,
and magnificent.
The cavernous tooth was chiseled out and placed into a pan.
The first bloody gauze looked like a pouch of nicotine. dip
Sunday's end resembled a dung beatles heap,
but with a steady, broken sibilance or rattling at 2 a.m.,
the rain had almost hushed uncertainties,
save the spasmodic grating of a rusted iron gate.
Declaring sick leave,
a couple days slid into chrysalis and died.
Old Version
Sunday ended like a dung beetles heap,
but with a steady, broken sibilance or rattling at 2 a.m.,
the rain had almost hushed uncertainties,
save the spasmodic grating of a rusted iron gate.
The cavernous tooth was chiseled out and placed into a pan.
The first bloody gauze looked like a pouch of nicotine.
Only that which rose above or stood out starkly
could be seen in the evaporating mist.
An oak swayed gently and unladen,
decades older than I had imagined,
and magnificent.
Declaring sick leave,
a couple days slid into chrysalis and died.
I'm not happy with the order of your stanzas - I want the second and third to change places, otherwise for me the transition from wakefulness at 2 a.m. to the tooth extraction feels too abrupt. Then the first two stanzas deal with the narrator's response to the situation, and the last two observe what happened from somewhere outside the situation.
(10-18-2016, 01:01 PM)just mercedes Wrote: [ -> ]I'm not happy with the order of your stanzas - I want the second and third to change places, otherwise for me the transition from wakefulness at 2 a.m. to the tooth extraction feels too abrupt. Then the first two stanzas deal with the narrator's response to the situation, and the last two observe what happened from somewhere outside the situation.
Sure, I'll give it a shot.
I have to admit I find the old version stronger. The line "Sunday ended like a dung beetles heap" is an opening that makes me more curious and it is more surprising and mysterious at the same time. I actually like that in the third stanza things smooth down a little and there is a moment of resignationthat is beautifully introduced by the vague presence in the line "Only that which rose above or stood out starkly". It's a very atmospheric poem and I enjoy it very much. Only thing that doesn't seem to work is the line "and magnificent". It doesn't add anything, which is weird, because the word itself is so heavy, but maybe that's the problem? Maybe try to put just the word "magnificient" as a fourth line in that stanza.
Thanks for people's comments. Definately agree about the magnificent line, should be cut. Will probably tinker with order based on suggestions. I see how the chryallus part could be funny. Kind of like a sarcastic thing sort of. Plus there's that m and m man in the corner who looks like Dr. Phil.
(10-18-2016, 11:30 AM)Brownlie Wrote: [ -> ]Edit 1
Only that which rose above or stood out starkly
could be seen in the evaporating mist. Hasn't mist already evaporated? It's a little like "melting water".
An oak swayed gently and unladen,
decades older than I had imagined, I like this image "unladen" is a great word, and I agree about chopping magnificent.
and magnificent.
The cavernous tooth was chiseled out and placed into a pan.
The first bloody gauze looked like a pouch of nicotine. I don't know what a pouch of nicotine is, so this simile falls a little flat for me - I can't picture it. Is it a pouch of chewing tobacco?
Sunday ended like a dung beatles heap, How does a dung beatles heap end?
but with a steady, broken sibilance or rattling at 2 a.m.,
the rain had almost hushed uncertainties,
save the spasmodic grating of a rusted iron gate. I like the wordiness of this last line, and I don't usually like wordiness (I don't really like the second line because of it).
Declaring sick leave,
a couple days slid into chrysalis and died. I like the ending.
Thanks for the read, I think the title might be a little punchier if you change the title to simply "tooth extraction". To me, "tooth extraction" gives me more of a punch in the gut (or jaw) sensation than "wisdom tooth extraction".
(10-23-2016, 05:21 AM)Wjames Wrote: [ -> ] (10-18-2016, 11:30 AM)Brownlie Wrote: [ -> ]Edit 1
Only that which rose above or stood out starkly
could be seen in the evaporating mist. Hasn't mist already evaporated? It's a little like "melting water".
An oak swayed gently and unladen,
decades older than I had imagined, I like this image "unladen" is a great word, and I agree about chopping magnificent.
and magnificent.
The cavernous tooth was chiseled out and placed into a pan.
The first bloody gauze looked like a pouch of nicotine. I don't know what a pouch of nicotine is, so this simile falls a little flat for me - I can't picture it. Is it a pouch of chewing tobacco?
Sunday ended like a dung beatles heap, How does a dung beatles heap end?
but with a steady, broken sibilance or rattling at 2 a.m.,
the rain had almost hushed uncertainties,
save the spasmodic grating of a rusted iron gate. I like the wordiness of this last line, and I don't usually like wordiness (I don't really like the second line because of it).
Declaring sick leave,
a couple days slid into chrysalis and died. I like the ending.
Thanks for the read, I think the title might be a little punchier if you change the title to simply "tooth extraction". To me, "tooth extraction" gives me more of a punch in the gut (or jaw) sensation than "wisdom tooth extraction".
some good points here. evaporating mist would be a good name for a knock off soda(i.e. mountain thunder).