Our Love is Anywhere *second edit*

[Bueller]

Hi, operadiva! I've read through both versions, and I'm sorry to say I liked the first one best, and here's why:

First, the sentence construction you have going on in the first strophes is not correct. For instance, "Watching shadows cast....mountains" is not a complete sentence. It is a verbal clause. This could be rather easily remedied, but I thought that there was a power in the first version around "I want" that's getting lost in this one. The continual repetition of those exact words "I want" did get a little tiresome, to be sure, but there was a straightforward strength to it, where this version makes it seem like you're already doing those things. Personally, I'd just rather have complete sentences.

***Second Edit***

Watching shadows cast by clouds
dance on jagged mountains.
Feeling warm wind on my skin
like your soft exhale on my neck.
Being the cards you count on
when only desperation remains.
 
Sleeping with the lights on
because our love never sleeps. -- I like the content here
Treasuring paint and canvas
that looks back with earnest eyes. -- This image is a little off to me. The painting has eyes? Maybe.
The soft song you hear
drifting from dream to dream -- a little abstract, I think.
 
Learning a foreign tongue,
finding new ways to share our love. -- This is very vague. Doesn't add anything, to my reading.
Changing our names and traveling,
our true identities our secret. -- this is good, reinforces the intimacy
My only truth is you,
and my only lie an end.
 
Barely making ends meet,
counting quarters from the couch.
Living off of ramen noodles,
your warmth is all I need.
Dumpster diving every Sunday,
I’m willing to take that leap. -- I thought that this strophe was the strongest in the poem, but the one in the first version. It looses so much of its strength when it's taken away from the idea that it's a hope, a vision that you'd like for the future. I wouldn't have changed anything from the first version.
 
I want our love up close and personal, -- Up close and personal is a cliche.
our eyes locked, bodies touching.
I want to be wherever you are. -- comma here?
because together we are unlimited.
But I will love you from the greatest distance,
when your heart isn’t lying next to mine.
 
Love is wherever we are. -- I like this line.


***First Edit***

I want to watch shadows cast by clouds
dance on colossal mountains.
I want to feel warm wind on my skin
like your soft exhale on my neck.
I want to be the cards you count on
when desperation is all that remains.
 
I want to sleep with the lights on
because our love never sleeps.
I want to treasure paint and canvas
that looks back at me with honest eyes.
I want to be the soft song you hear
as you drift from dream to dream
 
I want to learn a foreign tongue,
to find another way to share our love.
I want to change our names and travel,
our true identities could be our secret.
I want my only truth to be you,
and my only lie to be an end.
 
I want to barely make ends meet,
counting quarters from the couch.
I want to live off of ramen noodles,
because your warmth is all I need.
I want to dumpster dive every Sunday,
I’m prepared to take that leap. -- this strophe (even though it's from a previous version, is a highlight for me.
 
I want our love up close and personal,
our eyes locked and bodies touching.
I want to be where you are, wherever you are.
because when we are together we are infinite.
But I will love you from the greatest distance,
when your heart isn’t lying in bed next to mine.
 
Love is wherever we are.

*****Original*****

I want to watch the shadows cast by clouds 
dance on the mountains.
I want to feel the warm wind on my skin
like your soft exhale on my neck.
I want to be the cards you count on
when desperation is all that remains.

I want to sleep with the lights on
because our love never sleeps.
I want to treasure the paint and canvas
that looks back at me with honest eyes.
I want to be the soft song you hear
as you drift from dream to dream

I want to learn a foreign tongue,
to find another way to share our love.
I want to change our names and travel,
our true identities could be our secret.
I want my only truth to be you,
and my only lie to be an end.

I want to barely make ends meet,
counting quarters from the couch.
I want to live off of ramen noodles,
because warmth is all I really need.
I want to dumpster dive every Sunday,
I’m ready to take that leap, with you

I want our love to be up close and personal,
our eyes locked and our bodies touching.
I want to be where you are, wherever you are.
because when we are together I feel infinite.
But I will love you from the greatest distance,
because your heart never seems to be very far.

Love is wherever we are.

***Your advice is always appreciated! Thank you for your time and energy.

You've got a lot of good stuff going on here, I just think you need to work on your sentence structure and decide whether this is a description of the present or a hope for the future.

Best,

Luke