10-05-2016, 03:17 AM
Born from a time machine
A room This confuses me a little since it means that the room was born from a time machine
Buzzes, beeps again I'm confused, is the room buzzing and beeping?
My heart flits it is unclear why the speakers heart moves around
Almost 9 months This along witht he line after successfully conjures the thought of "birth" in my mind, which I'm assuming you were going for
Warmth, milk, sleep
Formula it is
A crib
Stable, bars
So much time to catch up on Is the mention of time here in any way meant to be related to the time machine metaphor?
Then to now
Is how much time?
A lifetime times a thousand
To get here
The year 1984
So this piece seems to contain a lot of promising ideas however in its current state it seems very incoherent primarily (for me) due to the fact that I was expecting the time machine metaphor to develop after the first line and it sort of went nowhere and instead led to birthing imagery... which seems disconnected. Many questions are unanswered for me as a reader like why does the speaker's heart flit? what's the use of "a crib, Stable, bars" etc
It's very vague. However I do sense that you have a definite vision for this, which you might be able to successfully and coherently develop if you use the time travel metaphor and develop it. All the best!
A room This confuses me a little since it means that the room was born from a time machine
Buzzes, beeps again I'm confused, is the room buzzing and beeping?
My heart flits it is unclear why the speakers heart moves around
Almost 9 months This along witht he line after successfully conjures the thought of "birth" in my mind, which I'm assuming you were going for
Warmth, milk, sleep
Formula it is
A crib
Stable, bars
So much time to catch up on Is the mention of time here in any way meant to be related to the time machine metaphor?
Then to now
Is how much time?
A lifetime times a thousand
To get here
The year 1984
So this piece seems to contain a lot of promising ideas however in its current state it seems very incoherent primarily (for me) due to the fact that I was expecting the time machine metaphor to develop after the first line and it sort of went nowhere and instead led to birthing imagery... which seems disconnected. Many questions are unanswered for me as a reader like why does the speaker's heart flit? what's the use of "a crib, Stable, bars" etc
It's very vague. However I do sense that you have a definite vision for this, which you might be able to successfully and coherently develop if you use the time travel metaphor and develop it. All the best!