Born from a time machine
A room
Buzzes, beeps
My heart flits
Almost 9 months
Warmth, milk, sleep
Formula it is
A crib
Stable, bars
So much time to catch up on
Then to now
Is how much time?
A lifetime times a thousand
To get here
The year 1984
Definitely like this one.
Some comments:
Born from a time machine This implies the room was born from a time machine, maybe omit "born" and
use it father down in a way that links to the person in the room
A room does the room make the sounds, or are the sounds in the room?
Buzzes, beeps
My heart flits maybe not "flits" as this means "moves about" or "leaves", maybe revives, stirs, etc.
Almost 9 months shouldn't it be longer than 9 months? maybe omit or indicate somehow that this is "relative" time, not actual
Warmth, milk, sleep I like this
Formula it is maybe a stronger link to "milk" so the artificiality is enhanced
A crib
Stable, bars "stable" is prone to misinterpretation animal-wise
maybe another word
So much time to catch up on since this is a time machine, maybe use a metaphor that doesn't involve the word "time"
Then to now
Is how much time? maybe omit "Is"
A lifetime times a thousand
To get here
The year 1984 using "1984" as a surprise ending really doesn't work because "1984", by now,
is too much of a cliche. While I know this doesn't seem fair, it's the truth. You're going to have to
come up with a different surprise or realization to end it with.
I hope I haven't overwhelmed you with too many comments.
I truly do like the basic premise and visuals.
You have a poem well worth working on, I'm looking forward to seeing your revision.
(08-27-2016, 07:07 AM)stampede331 Wrote: [ -> ]Born from a time machine
A room
Buzzes, beeps
My heart flits
Almost 9 months
Warmth, milk, sleep
Formula it is
A crib
Stable, bars
So much time to catch up on
Then to now
Is how much time?
A lifetime times a thousand
To get here
The year 1984
I like how your first poem is also a poem about being born. It's cute. Were you actually born in 1984? Because I know next said it was cliched, but I mean if it's really when you were born, you can't help that. Unless it's a literary reference, in which case I apologize for it being lost on me, having never read the book. It kind of reminds me of...of Kal-El being transported from Krypton to Earth in that little pod traveling through space and time.
(08-27-2016, 07:07 AM)stampede331 Wrote: [ -> ]Born from a time machine
A room
Buzzes, beeps
My heart flits
Almost 9 months
Warmth, milk, sleep
Formula it is
A crib
Stable, bars
So much time to catch up on
Then to now
Is how much time?
A lifetime times a thousand
To get here
The year 1984
I remember having a baby and time disappearing completely. The fragmented sentences here is like what my brain was thinking in the sleepless nights, endless repetition. the 1984 line i dont understand, unless its how time stands still, and every year is 1984, the baby is big brother and theres no telling when there will be relief
Oooooh, I flippin love this. When I read it love the beat on the middle lines...The rhythm ..that's how it is in my head. I wouldn't change anything...except in stanza 4 'then to now/ is how much time' it feels a little wrong...can you play around with it? Reword it? Say the same thing with slightly different words?
That's it. Otherwise, I really dig it
Good luck, V
Thanks to everyone for reading. First off, I was born in 1984. This is not a literary reference. The poem came from a thought that I experience time and time again: the process of birth is actually the only form of time travel we currently have. Hopefully this thought is communicated in this very short poem. My other goal was to use as few words as possible to convey this message. I also continue to wonder if flits is the most appropriate word. Other than that, I'm glad that most of you enjoyed the poem and the stacatto meter I used, mostly because this is sort of told from a baby's perspective.
I think it's cognitively loose, strung together in the faith that it might make sense. Your time travel theory doesn't really come through. The idea that being born is a form of time travel might have a legitimate framework, but little of that is in the poem. The words just bounce off each other through vague conections in logic and sound.
Born from a time machine
A room This confuses me a little since it means that the room was born from a time machine
Buzzes, beeps again I'm confused, is the room buzzing and beeping?
My heart flits it is unclear why the speakers heart moves around
Almost 9 months This along witht he line after successfully conjures the thought of "birth" in my mind, which I'm assuming you were going for
Warmth, milk, sleep
Formula it is
A crib
Stable, bars
So much time to catch up on Is the mention of time here in any way meant to be related to the time machine metaphor?
Then to now
Is how much time?
A lifetime times a thousand
To get here
The year 1984
So this piece seems to contain a lot of promising ideas however in its current state it seems very incoherent primarily (for me) due to the fact that I was expecting the time machine metaphor to develop after the first line and it sort of went nowhere and instead led to birthing imagery... which seems disconnected. Many questions are unanswered for me as a reader like why does the speaker's heart flit? what's the use of "a crib, Stable, bars" etc
It's very vague. However I do sense that you have a definite vision for this, which you might be able to successfully and coherently develop if you use the time travel metaphor and develop it. All the best!
Your first line puzzle me as I don't see a woman pregnancy as a form of time machine, for me the idea of a time machine is something that transport from one time to another time without ageing and travel time is seconds or less, but every other line and as you say yourself, is about the process of birth and may I add growing up, so for me the word "machine" is the cause for my confusion so maybe "Born from time travel" which is a journey from the start of pregnancy then birth and living life, that way then you're leaving out thoughts of the meaning of the word "machine" or maybe its just me
Also I suppose memories would be a form of an inner time machine but then no one remember nine months and then birth but in saying all that I really do like your poem, it has put me through some serious thinking which I have enjoy, thank you
Like this loads.
[quote='stampede331' pid='215354' dateline='1472249277']
Born from a time machine
A room
Buzzes, beeps .......................I read this as both hospital equipment, and the 'whole time'-machine of life itself.
My heart flits
Almost 9 months
Warmth, milk, sleep..........................most excellent encapsulation.
Formula it is
A crib
Stable, bars.....................not sure how relevant the stanza is
So much time to catch up on
Then to now
Is how much time?.........................super muse.
A lifetime times a thousand
To get here
The year 1984..........................is the date important to you, does it need to be stated?
Literary reference? If not I would cut the line.