09-29-2016, 04:47 AM
I agree in large part with what Donald said above. The piece has a good core, but it gets a touch too wordy and has a bit of an inconsistent tone (to me at least). I tend to take this approach when dealing with focused meter/rhyme: if the reader has an acute sense of the author trying to force a rhyme, then the lines should usually be re-worked as much as possible. Obviously this isn't always easy, and I would say taking some extra time to write a few other stanzas to test could result in a better flow.
I know in my case I sometimes get target fixation, and once I have started with an image or idea I get committed to finding a rhyme. Unfortunately sometimes it's worth putting it aside (not throwing it out) and seeing what else might fit. I hope that makes sense.
If I were going to pick a place here to suggest that, it would be the below lines:
The oldest lion has accepted its limitations
Its mind slides though satin into thorn, thorn to shadow.
A bush may burn but only in failing machinations
His pride now has none.
You might set a goal of working on those in particular and see if you're able to rework the tone and rhyme there in a way that will improve the flow of the whole composition. In all, I really like where this is heading. Make some edits and you may have a nice piece here.
Regards,
JJ
I know in my case I sometimes get target fixation, and once I have started with an image or idea I get committed to finding a rhyme. Unfortunately sometimes it's worth putting it aside (not throwing it out) and seeing what else might fit. I hope that makes sense.
If I were going to pick a place here to suggest that, it would be the below lines:
The oldest lion has accepted its limitations
Its mind slides though satin into thorn, thorn to shadow.
A bush may burn but only in failing machinations
His pride now has none.
You might set a goal of working on those in particular and see if you're able to rework the tone and rhyme there in a way that will improve the flow of the whole composition. In all, I really like where this is heading. Make some edits and you may have a nice piece here.
Regards,
JJ